In possibly one of the more surprising moves of my life, I recently became engaged to the most amazing person I have ever met. It happened on the 29th of Februrary, and I am unbelievably excited!

I have to admit, I did know it was coming. Literally the only fear I had through was that people wouldn't take me seriously.

From our first date, I knew I was going to marry Daniel. I knew it, without a hint of a doubt. In the time that I've been with him, I still haven't had a single doubt that I couldn't spend the rest of my life without him.

Its funny how all of the cliches I used to hate, they're actually true! That you can know if you want to marry someone. You can stomach wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone. I'm so happy it's unbelievable.

It's also turned me into a massive girl! I hadn't even thought about a wedding until my psychology class got overly excited about it. Now I'm watching 'Don't Tell the Bride' and feeling all girly, and like I need to dream about it.  Something I always said though, was that it's not a massive drama, or a chance to be an evil bitch- it's a celebration. To me, the wedding is us going ; 'Hey guys! ZOMG we're getting married! Come join us having a laugh!'. And I'm surprisingly quite excited about it.

And my future with Daniel...I'm so excited. We've got so many plans for the future and I can't wait for them to happen. Everything seems so slow now from us starting our future. I'm just buzzing.

This was very ramble-y and babbley but I don't care :)

Having been perusing the Kindle site, in order to find books on Othello (y'know...To get ahead of the game...), I found this!

I don't think anyone, not even a top celebrity wedding planner, could create a wedding up to her standards.
Um. Why on earth is she on don't tell the bride then? Surely, should she be so pedantic about her wedding, she should...I don't know...Organise it herself? Yikes!

At the end of the day, the wedding day is most importantly a wedding, not a party. 
Well, yeah. This is true. But A) Your wedding should be a celebration, and B), The point surely should be the marriage? Being with someone you love no matter the day?

THAT'S MY DRESS!
Well no, it's not going to be, because your future hubby is going to pick a different one.

It's my dream dress!
Well why agree to let him pick another one then?


Wouldn't it be great if he picked the same one?
Um. A miracle. But don't rub it in, mother dear!

If he gets it wrong, I'm going to be like, 'How well do you know me?'
Considering you will have spent months agonising over which one, how he is supposed to pick one- when he cant ever see them on- that you specified?!

"I want you to think what I want, when you pick wedding dresses, not what looks good on you". (Bride to future sister in law)
...Bitch!

And then I stopped watching.

Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear.

I really don't care about my exam tomorrow.

Last year, I took philosophy, and drilled it into my brain. There wasn't an analogy, or a counter argument, or a past question I didn't know.

And for all my efforts, and A's in class, and feeling satisfied when coming out of the exam, I got a D.

In case you missed that, I got a D.

I have no issues with what grade I get, but it threw me a bit. Of the exams I thought I did badly in, Philosophy wasn't one of them at all. I thought B/C kind of grades, but not a D.

So I said I'd retake, and maybe the Uni's would ignore that I messed up initially.

And they did! Completely. They haven't set a reset grade mark. Which means it now doesn't matter what I get in this exam to be be able to go to Uni. So....I really CBA.

I'm drilling it into my brain again, I know loads of examples and ideas and names and quotes, but if I come out and it was a rubbish paper- I don't care. If I get a rubbish grade- I don't care. Its unnecessary.

All of it rested on Uni, and Uni doesn't care about it. So there's really no point.

I  keep dreaming about Sheffield Uni. It ticks every box so far, and I really really hope that when I go to see it, it lives up to expectations. My life is falling into place quite nicely.

The only thing I'm missing is girls. I mentioned it to Daniel and I didn't realise how much so, I've lost a lot of my outgoing-ness, because I hang around with my guys. And my guys are fantastic, they really are, I adore them, and out of the people I want to keep in touch with forever, they're the ones I'd pick. But I miss having a girly best friend, the one who you can tell everything. I have, granted, Rachel, and Ellie, and Roseanna, who are amazing, and I get that from them- but I so rarely see them, I almost forget how to.

It's one of the things I'm really looking forward to and hoping for in University, that I can find that again.

I am, when I think about it, excited for university. It's going to be epic! The more I talk about it the more I want to do well so I can go and enjoy it. Everything has the potential to fall perfectly into place, and I love the idea of it...

So...8 months?

If we were close enough, I would soooo highlight how silly you are :) <3

People seem to be writing New Years posts, so I feel I should follow suit.

The last year was very topsy turvy. I had some of the worst moments of my life, but indeed some of the best, and most perfect. I can't say I'd want to have this year all over again, but at least I wouldn't mind reliving the good bits. Like an annoying compilation tape :)

This year however, I'm going to make my year. My year. Purely because of the plans I have, and the back up plans I have, and the back up plan for my back up plan. I won't let anything go wrong this year.

Similarly, something that will happen this year will literally make my entire year. There's no way I'm going to allow anyone to take that happiness away from me.

I'm not floating on air happy, because that would mean everything was in place. But I'm down to earth happy- happy that I've got the life that I have, cautious, more than I like, of the future, but just happy. Very happy.

I'm with everyone who claims that nothing changes but the date, but if you can change your mind set, why not upon the changing of the year? I started this year with the man I love, and I intend to end it similarly.

SO.... Happy new year!

I was pondering, as I do sometimes, where I am now.

Its as I was wrapping up Christmas presents in fact. My list, as per usual, was pretty long for the amount of people I wanted to buy for.

As I thought about it realistically, I cut a few names off.

And then a few more...

I really cling to the idea of Christmas being a time for love and for giving. I love surprising people with a present, though I hate when people get grumpy because they hadn't got me anything. That's not what it's about.

So my list has shortened, and those I spend money on has changed. Its almost hierarchical now, those most important get the better gifts. Which is almost a shame, but as I sat thinking about it, it's worked out pretty well.

You see, I lost a large group of the friends. And whether now, I have lost them or not, I'm not close with them like I was. It makes me feel really lonely sometimes, but then I think actually, sure, that might be true, but really I have the group of friends who actually care about me now, so it doesn't matter.

In fact I'm a little bit proud of how I've been using my loneliness. Where previously, I couldn't, for serious fear of some kind of panic, wander around the house without someone with me, or walk to a lesson on my own, I now do. I don't care. I can go into the common room and work my socks off, and then have time to chill out in the evening. I now hate working at home, but it means I'm actually doing better than ever before. A load of my notes are typed up, my essays are in on time, and I'm chilled about more of it.

Its odd what losing friends does to you.

But then this way, I get the enjoyment of handing out presents to my actual friends. The people who stood by me and helped me, and this is partially my way of saying thank you.

I'll probably do a soppy blog nearer the time, but it was just something on my mind.

The word lost has interesting connotations.

The dictionary defines it as follows....



Now, the ones I am most interested in, are numbers two and three.

Number two implies that there is a heavy possibility of being found. That instead of being gone indefinitely, it in fact is something that can be recovered easily. When I lose my keys, I don't instantly decide that its hopeless and run and get keys cut.

As the great band Scouting for Girls once said, 'I know I'm lost but I'm waiting to be found'.


There's always a way to recover anything.

Number three on the other hand, implies a misdirection. A path you've followed which took you the wrong way for a small amount of time.

The three hour detour my Father thought would be a detour, when In fact it just got us very lost.

We got where we wanted to go. It just took a while. We had to go off course to find the right course.

We got lost, and then we got there. We found our way.

Therefore, it would be logical to infer that we can find what is lost once more.




Don't give up hope. I'm always going to be here if ever you want me, and they'll be the same.

So Ebay is the online marketplace, a glorified technological car-boot sale with all the fortunate filters, and bargains like 99p socks you didn't actually need- they just were 99p, and so you had to buy them.

I discovered ebay a few months ago. Three, to be precise. I never used it, as my Dad had an account, and he insisted he should deal with ebay. Only getting him to agree to buy anything would take a week, by which time the item had ended and I'd have to repeat the cycle in finding it.

With my own pay cheque and ebay account though, it's been disastrous.I have spent, within the three months, £136, nearly all of which were presents for friends. Well, if there's a sealed version of something for a fiver worth thirty, I'm gonna buy it, aren't I?

Sigh. The problem seems to be my own competitive nature. After being beaten several times, I've become the master of 'sniping'- waiting until the last minute (at times like this, I do love my smart phone) before bidding, so anyone not doing similar has no chance of winning. If someone is doing the same, I engage in a mini-war, in which I pay over what I intended to, because I refuse to lose.

You can see where the issues lie, lets be honest.

If they're not, I usually get a nice bargain, which the postman resents as the poor guy has to carry so much stuff its unbelievable. No one wins. Bar me, and the people at Christmas. But currently, just me.

It amuses me at least, and really, that's all that matters.

DumdumDAHDUM.
DumdumDAHDAHDUMDUMDUM.
DumdumDAHDUM.
DumdumDAHDAHDUMDUMDUM.

Oh the joys of having an irritating tune stuck in my head. Have hum and see if it gets stuck in yours too.

SO, update for the day, my English Coursework is done! Huzzah! Well, first draft at least. I think it'll do okay actually, because I'm quite passionate about each of the authors I'm writing about. I'm just hoping I haven't babbled too much just because I like them so much :)

I don't have much to say today.

OH! I've begun to feel like a right snob, and I really hate it.
I try to get alot of my work done in school now, because it free's up my time to go out outside of school and enjoy myself. I used to doss in my free's and get by on last minute efforts, but now I'm trying to knuckle down and get myself in a good position for university. It means I spend alot of time focussed on some work in the common room, usually with headphones in. When I don't wear my headphones though, the conversations...throw me a little bit. Often its really rude or crude. Listening to the rudeness of a certain group, and the absurdity of them moving the room to best suit them, really bugged me. We began this year acting as a whole year group, and now we're back to the same old spiteful groups, pressured into one small room in which we all have to listen to each other. Its like putting a lid on a bubbling pot, I'm just waiting for something to go massively wrong in there.

Anyway. Uninteresting complaints, I shall try to think of some more interesting ones later.

Ummm.

It's not going well.

I used to plan blog posts, know exactly what I wanted to say. Now I just babble a bit. I don't have nearly as much to complain about because Daniel makes my life happy.

OH!

I know what I can talk about.

I really need to start taking care of my appearance more. I know I have the ability to scrape by looking okay, but often I roll out of bed exhausted, wash my hair and let it dry, go to school with glasses, curly hair and no make up.
I'm too tired to be bothered to put the effort in, and at the same time, I care only what Daniel thinks of me. He cares little about how I look, because the less time I spend in front of a mirror ignoring him, the more time I can spend with him. Or something about him liking me as I am. Or something.
Its reassuring, and happy, and lovely, and new, but at the same time I feel a bit guilty about being an eyesore :P I'll have to start putting the effort in for more people than just Daniel :L

Much love, for I am bored of babbling :)

I've only gone and decided to make a come back! YEAH! Check me out!

I'm in a rather good mood today. I am absolutely shattered from a very tiring day at work and a few migraines during the week,  but I'm pretty content!

I applied to UCAS finally. My choices stand at-
-Kent
-Christ Church Canterbury
-Leeds
-Sheffield
-Lancaster.

All of which are for Theology and English Literature combined honours. My dream would be to get into Kent, because their course combines English and American literature, but they're having issues with my Pre-U at the moment.

And considering I'm supposed to be calmer to have it all out of the way, I'm actually more worried now! My application is pretty weak, considering I technically have only two AS levels as I'm retaking Philosophy, and my Pre-U has no use just yet. If it's recognised at all that is!

I'm more worried about rejections. However, I have a plan for if I don't get in- I'll just work my way up through work for another year, and re-apply. It's genuinely not a worry for me, I love work, and its just putting it off for a year really.

What else?

Well I feel really comfortable and secure in my friends again. Took a while, but I'm there! I was surprised by how much I actually found solace in the people I work with. I genuinely have about three friends there I really wouldn't want to live without, and another ten I could easily and happily hang out with, and another ten (which is pretty much all of them), whom I love to bits and just need to know a little better.

I love that its Christmas and so we're getting new people. I feel all knowledgeable and happy to know that they're in the same position I was! I've made pretty good friendships with alot of them, which just makes me happy :)

I've also been surprised how much I enjoy game nights. I never minded watching them, so I enjoyed going anyway, but actually taking part now is epic. To go round the guys house, whether its Luke/Nick/Greg, or Jo/Zoey/Daniel, or Mark/Daniel, its something we genuinely have a laugh over. I know some people roll their eyes over xbox, but its just something to laugh at. Its more challenging and sociable (and fun), than watching a film for the time, and I'm damn competitive :P.

I have such happy times now. I love going out and doing random things I wouldn't have done before.

I just really need to get my butt back into gear when it comes to school. I really haven't the energy or the care to keep rolling out work I don't care about, even though I know I should!

Case in point, English coursework due Friday.

Not really anywhere near done.

Oooops....

But my blog is all new and pretty!

And there's a section on what Tom will do when he's prime minister :)

LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

If ever I said anything to you, you'd glaze over it, or just tell me I only said it because we're friends.

Well... We're not friends now, are we really? I wish now it wasn't like this, but it does allow me to say things I couldn't say before.

So I'm going to be completely honest about you. I'm not looking for anything from it, but now you can at least see I can be objective in what I say.


You're beautiful.

Didn't you always say you were too ugly to have a boyfriend? You have no reason to be self conscious around him at all. You never have.

You don't see it because you have blinkers on, which stop you from looking at yourself properly. You could look at anyone we see to be massively attractive, and so long as you analyse them enough, they all have flaws. Everyone has flaws.
When you look in the mirror, you ignore how beautiful your eyes are. How perfect your face is. How incredible your smile is. You just zone in on what you perceive to be an imperfection. Very very rarely is that imperfection actually imperfect.

Its really upsetting because it gets you down, and it really shouldn't. You're stunning, and I've told you that for so long and I really wish you'd believe me. I have nothing to gain from telling you this, but I want you to start believing in yourself.

But that's something else, I'm really proud of you too. You  used to claim you had no friends, and look at you now! You've got an amazing group, and I'm so proud of you for what you've done with your exams. You work damn hard and you deserve recognition for it.

I just want to give you some magic cure which will convince you I'm telling the truth, because I know you'll probably just ignore this too. But I hope more than anything you take in this, because you're gorgeous, and its time you realised that for yourself :)

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I messed up.
And I'm sorry that's not enough.

How can I bring up your blogs when we don't talk?

How can I go back to expecting you to open up to me when we're barely friends right now?

My blog usually is my cry for help.

I check yours everyday too.

I know you're happy elsewhere. I assume the ones directed at me are the method in which you end our friendship.

You were too scared to open up to me when we were close, I wouldn't expect you to now.

And no- I rarely used to bring up your blog around you. Its personal. I just watched you to work out myself if you were okay.
Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

I'll delete this later, because I know when I calm down I'll regret it, and I hate when people bitch like this.


But for now, You know what? I'm done with being diplomatic.

There are times when yes, I can rationalise it to sort out in my head and make it all okay.

There are other times, like now, when I'm pissy and grumpy and I'm damn well angry about this pointless situation.

1- You have no idea how much it hurts that you haven't bothered to talk to me, and expect me to talk to you first every time. If you're planning to argue that I didn't make the effort, how many times have you text me first? You don't make conversations when I try to text you, you post all over facebook about something that you invited me too, which I'm apparently now not invited, and then you tell me its because you have spaces you're just seeing who attends. Thats besides the point about whether I'm invited or not.
I'm upset- but I'm not angry. I love you. I'm sorry I've just ranted about you unnecessarily. But I've just spent half an hour in tears so you can suck it up that I want to blog about it.

2- You get drunk and go mental at me. For some stupid excuse, lets be honest. You hadn't told me you had an issue with me, and then you go mental. Fucking pointless. You know if you'd've spoken to me about it I'd've listened? And now, you wont even look at me. You wont talk about me, I find out you've been bitching about me. Practically a week before I'd written a draft blog about how I'd loved how I'd got closer to you and you really felt like a friend. I'm such an idiot.

3- You confused me. I genuinely don't think we have issues. But you've blanked me since we've come back to school. Every time I've spoken to you, you've got out of the conversation as quick as possible. I'm probably most upset about losing you, because I don't understand why, and we've been friends for so long.

4- You barely even need a paragraph. You know we're not friends over something we could solve in a second. But you don't need me any more, and you've made that clear.

I'm such an idiot. And I'm a lonely idiot.

My life has its ups and downs, just like usual.

I always now have faith that at every one of my downs, there will be an up to see me through.

Every now and again though something will catch me off guard. Like today, when I'm tired and exhausted and cold and not entirely dry from the downpour.

I get reminded ridiculously strongly that I've lost half my friends.

I miss them. Of course I do. And I know I could probably find a way to get them back. But I don't even think they'd want me now.

Even the ones I thought I was fine with...

I've been replaced. Its not something I'm bitter about, it just is as it is.

Don't get me wrong, my life has got so much good in it.

I just sometimes wish it had that little bit more again.

I promised Leila I'd write a blog a day for 10 days, to make up for the lack of blogging as of late. I've always said that I blog less when I'm happy because I have less to complain about, but I'll give it a go!

It will probably be a mixture of the letters I'd send to people - but obviously cant- and the general updates on what's going on with me. I didn't realise how many people use my blog as a chance to find out how I am when they're unable to talk to me.
As its late, I'm tired, and wish to sleep, this will start tomorrow- but that way, I get to do a full one plus another nine.

All my love xx
Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

I've been trying to be really careful recently not to upset anyone by saying this, but I don't think there's any point in hiding it-

I'm happy.

Really happy. My life is working out and everything just seems to fit into place now. I have a fantastic boyfriend, I've found out the people who look out of me no matter what, and they're the friends I know I'll never lose, I have no idea where I'm going in the future, but I'm enjoying the work I do at school, and the job that I have.

I'm moving forward. I love that even when things get really bad, I have a core faith in myself that I never used to. I trust in more of my decisions and I wont apologise unless I mean it.

The things that have upset me reccently with my friends, I've finally distanced myself from. It really upset me that rather than talking to me about it, they held it back, got further and further away from me, and then just were furious. That ruins things, whereas others just talked to me about it outright. The people who talked to me about it I listened to. The ones who shouted I got upset by, and it changed things only for the worse.

Now though, I've chilled out about it. If people want to talk to me, I'd love to talk to them. I have nothing against people, but I'm not willing to try when they aren't. Because I'm happy how I am.

The other things that upset me, like my failure of an impending future, a few psychos, and some small things that caught up with me, I don't care. Not in an agressive 'RAWR I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU!' way, but  'Meh, you're not so bad. I can deal with this' kind of way.

My deal is that I have something in my life that makes me so happy. Some people hate that. Thats their problem. Part of me wants to go back to the person who would suck it up and blame it on myself, but I'm no longer willing to do that. I accept that people change, and thats where my line is drawn, and my happiness began.

Its the reason I've been so happy for the past year or so, because of this refusal, so I'm not willing to change it to be honest.

Sorry :)

So with the 'rents away for a bit, and the house owned essentially by Daniel and myself, I'm learning how to do a whole lot of new things. Domestic things, like washing and cleaning and such.

Its really odd! Prime example, I'm cooking stir-fry tonight. Now, to most, thats the easiest thing to cook ever. I've just never done it before. So it's all exciting and new.

The other thing I've been doing is catching the occasional Bus. Catherine and I were complaining about them today. I'm not as anti-buses as she, who thinks they should have a test before you get on the bus to identify if you're an idiot, and if you are you're not allowed on the bus. In fairness, I saw some of the loud shouty idiots who got on her bus, and I understand her concerns, however I feel it might be a little harsh :L

I do find my bus funny though. The public one this is, not the school one. For example, today, i had some random woman trying to talk to me, who kept grabbing my arm. Another who was shouting something about Cambridge. And another who ranted about her shopping bill. To herself!

That wasn't even whilst I was on the bus. On the bus it just got weirder. An old guy tried to get to the back of the bus, but caught his leg on a teenagers bag, which he hadn't yet pulled in.

The old guy grumbled at the back, supported by the shopping-shouty-woman, to which the kid turned round and started mouthing off about how rude he was. The woman sat next to him, who turned out to be his mum, instead of apologising or making amends for her sons rudeness, agreed with him!

Then it gets weirder, because crazy Cambridge lady then somehow managed to bond with the Mum over complaining.

Im not even sure how it happened.

A happy ending to be sure, but an odd one. Magical you might say.

Maybe it was! Maybe she was a crazy wizard woman.

Who knows. It is Huntingdon after all.