I feel the need to blog, because I'm feeling a lack in blogs...

Well actually, blogs have been updated quite alot reccently, but still, i felt the need to sit at the laptop and waste a few hours instead of doing homework or coursework.
Which is on the other computer.
Honest.

So I've started to redecorate my wall again. Its been fun actually, finding the pictures that meant somethin to me when i printed them off, or old photos of me when i was young, or just ones i forgot i had. Its lookin pweettyyy =D

Im also determined to start my spiritual writing again. I know they were terrible, but the more of them i write, hopefully theyll get better. Katie has also offered to help me, offering opinions and etc, so I'm lookin forward to that =)

Also with katie is a mini her-me-and-God night. Worshipping and etc. Have been too busy reccently, but at some point i will, and im really looking forward to it.
Katie called it a youth revivial, but i love how people are becoming independant- Instead of sitting around waiting for church to be what they need, theyre making situations where they can get the spiritual help that they need. I love it.

Dont know if i mentioned that i'm never going back to scary creepy lady ever again, but well, im not =P She was scary and creepy and i'm well shot of her =)

I went on a date with Michael on sunday!!

At bloomin last.

We've been out before, obviously, but never anything actually labelled a date or formal enough if that makes sense. But we went on sunday, to the cinema to see Dorien Gray.

Which well made me think, and is one of those that i'm gonna read the book (Which i am only a few chapters in and already i like more =P) and then write somethion on it.

But dont bother going to see it tbh.

The first half is Dorian Grey having sex with anyone and everyone, getting off with girls and guys alike, then killing random people. Then the next half is still sex and drugs, but with a tiny bit of repentance, which he then ruins by killing moer people.

This of course will only make sense if you have a vague concept of the Dorian Gray idea, but still. Dont bother with it =/

Im very much enjoying crucible. Its alot more talking than ignite was, and I'm not as of yet terrified of the people in my group. Jamies lovely enough, and everyone else changes but im not overly uncomfortable.

I like it. I know it has a bit of work to do, but i dont mind going, i enjoy it, everyone talks to anyone and people call me by name.

Its niice =)

My current booklist is as follows.

1) Dorian Gray. Obvious reasons.
2) Dracula. Apparently its really slow, but if i become stubborn enough, i will read it =)
3) To kill a mockingbird. Again. So that i can find quotes easier in lessons, but i like the book anyways =)
4) Catch 22. Dont have it, but will scaff it somewhere. Always intruiged me =P
5) Narnia Books. Only intended to read Dawn Treader, but now i've started i may as well finish =)
6) A Christmas Carol. Just cause its on my shelf and hasnt been read.
7) Wonderful Wizard Of Oz. For the perspective on Wicked =P

Bored. Babbling. Bye!

Michael is pweeeeeeetty =)

And cant play Knights of Cydonia

HONEST =D

Love him =)

I am so exhausted =(

And now i have physics to do =/

Meh.....

Its times like this that Twitter is better for me than Blogger. Very rarely. But occasionally =).

Love you Helen =)

Will write more
When i remember
What i was gonna write
In the first place
You can tell
My concentration
Is not what it was.

I hate being a christian =(

Especially when doing RE homework

Where they ask for what you know...

And i COULD just write what everyone else will, which is just enough to get away with it, but no more...

BUT NO. I know too many interesting things i have to write about =(

My hand hurts =(

It is 9:40 and for the first time in a long time, I'm not at Roseannas =)

Thats right, I'm skipping church today to go to...

A baptism.

Aren't I the biggest rebel you ever saw? =D

So its Katie Steads Baptism, and myself and many other lovely people have been invited.

Surprised? I was!!

Only problem is, i have no idea where to go for it. Its a house address, never been, no idea...
Eep.

But then Im going to hers afterwards, with a crowd of people whom i love very very much.

So it should be a good weekend all in all yes?

Pfft. Havent done my Physics coursework, or my RE, or various other ones.

Or as of yet, eaten, brushed my hair or teeth, or got dressed.

OOOO Dad got a radio for his aniversary (Cause radios rarely work in our house) and it WORKS! So i have it on nice and loud while he is out, enjoyng the sweet sound of Heart Cambridge. Woop Woop =D

Anyways, the point of this blog was none, but I have since thought of one.

Baptism.

Believe and be baptised yes?

Well, for the first year of me being a Christian, I was on fire for God. By the end of it, I wanted to be baptised.

I was told no, i hadnt been Christian for long enough. Obviously they were very nice about it, but overall the answer was no...

I have mixed feelings about this. In a way its good, because my testimony now is one that shows so much more experience, and what people might need to hear, than it would have done previously.
But it was the only time I have ever felt was right.

I remember meeting up with John Smith before he became our pastor officially, in starbucks wth Roseanna.
He asked Roseanna about her baptism that was only a few months previously, and then heasitantly asked me if i had been baptised. I said no. He asked if it was somethng I would consider.

I said i knew i would never be perfectly happy with myself or my situation when i got baptised, that wasnt what i was waitng for, i just wanted to be in a slightly better situation than i was then, i was going through something i needed to get out of before I thought about it.

He told me that was very wise.

But now i wonder if i was making excuses. I mean, obviously, as i promised myself my testimony would be totally honest if i ever dd, i couldnt've stood at the front of the church and tell all of them about my self harming- it'd be unfair on my parents to hear it first time that way.

But now they know. And I'm even further from God. And I have no intention of baptism for a good few years yet, if at all.

Yet I am beyond excited about the upcoming baptisms.

Hmmmm....

Anyways, must leave to attempt to prettyfy myself as much as possble before I leave, and undoubtedly I'll end up dstracted by something shiney.

I went to a form of therapy last night, for my self harming.
It was crap to be honest, completly useless, but Mum thinks i should go a few times to be sure...Which i think is just a waste of money, but still.

Umm i like this new layout i have. The quotes are from a song by Dave Matthews, which you seriously should listen to, its actually amazing =)

I am very much in love with Miss Sadie Hays, who should blatently slap the butlers for being idiots towards her =(

And i appear to have reverted back to being convinient.

Im sick of people changing how they act, because its not as cool to be friends with me in certain circles.

Im sick of people havin a go at me for nothing

Im sick of people acting like the friendship we have is just convinient. A way to be sure theyre never alone, but nothing more, and making me feel like i was a fool for believing otherwise.

Im really fed up with wanting to cut and knowing i shouldnt.

Im fed up with God moving in leaps and bounds in everyones life, and yet my attempt to communicate with him failed miserably.

Im fed up with pretending i belong at church now...I blatently dont, and now im not 'needed' or wanted, im actually wondering why i go.

Im sick of sitting in silence because people dont realise how broken up about it i am.

And im really really really fed up because when i say people, i actually mean one person.

Pfffffffffft.

Aint life grand?

Am playin around with blog templates btw =)

I cant seem to post comments at the moment, but Jodie you should SO go for purple boots =)

"That of course isnt a baaaaad grade, you could probably retake if you'd like to get your predicted grade, and what with your score on your last module it'd be pretty difficult to get the next grade unless you aced it..."

Etc.

To be honest, i didnt pay much attention.

Want to know why?

I GOT AN A!!!!

In my maths =D Which i am well happy with.

And an A* in Physics and Chemistry Module (CHEM WOOP WOOP =D Like the lesson, love the teacher =) ) and an A in Biology (Best subject did least? huh?)

Random excitement, thats all my grades for now.

OHMYGOODNESS CONGRATS Jodie and Zan =)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

This is a somewhat random post, just for the record. =)

I just keep thinking about what would happen if i lost someone. I've been listening to Skillet's new album (Its amazing, go buy =D), and there is a song on there called Lucy.

Hey Lucy, I remember your name
I left a dozen roses on your grave today
I'm in the grass on my knees,
wipe the leaves away
I just came to talk for a while
I got some things I need to say

[Chorus]
Now that it's over
I just wanna hold her
I'd give up all the world to
see that little piece of
heaven looking
back at me
Now that it's over
I just wanna hold her
I've gotta live with the choices I made
And I can't live with myself today

[V2]
Hey Lucy, I remembered your birthday
They said it'd bring some
closure to say your name
I know I'd do it all different
if I had the chance
But all I got are these roses to give
And they can't help me make amends

[Bridge]
Here we are
Now you're in my arms
I never wanted anything so bad
Here we are
For a brand new start
Living the life that we could've had

Me and Lucy walking hand in hand
Me and Lucy never wanna end
Just another moment in your eyes
I'll see you in another life
In heaven where we never say goodbye

[Bridge]
Here we are, now you're in my arms
Here we are for a brand new start
Got to live with the choices I've made
And I can't live with myself today

Me and Lucy walking hand in hand
Me and Lucy never wanna end
Got to live with the choices I've made
And I can't live with myself today

Hey Lucy, I remember your name

I just cant seem to get those out of my head.
What happens if one of my friends- or even me to someone else- became a name. A memory. All that was left of something/someone so vibrant and alive.

Unable to ever talk to them again. Just a cold stone to remember someone who once had a massive part in so many peoples lives.

It'd be so inpersonal.

I've never lost anyone that close to me before, my grandparents sure, but i was young and barely remember them...

I find people intruiging- because as cheesy as it sounds, everyone is different, which is what makes everyone interesting. Everyone has a link to someone else...

What happens if you lose one of those links?

I've never really thought about it before. Suicide i have thought of enough times, but never really what would happen if it was a friend of mine, rather than me...

Remembering them every now and again and going to talk to a gravestone when it may have been texting before..? The only affection you can show is cleaning weeds from the stone? Bringing flowers where before it might have been chocolates, or starbucks, or anything.

I cant get my head around it. Im not sure why im even thinking of it all that much
I remember your name...Once you were here and now all i have is memories.

Creepy much?