I got a text from a beautiful friend of mine, telling me I had ten days until Soul Survivor.

I did a bit of a double take....I was positive I had at least two and a half weeks.

So I suppose its about time to do my usual apprehensive blog about it...So here it comes.

I'm very muchly torn when it comes to Soul Survivor. On the one hand, I'm so excited. Some of my best memories are from Soul Survivor, and this will be my third year. Which in itself is a bit scary, its gone so fast!
The first year I went, I felt a bit alone in terms of who was there. Which was fine in the end, 'cause I made friends with Emmy, whom I spent almost the entire week with. I also managed to make friends with Jasper.
Which looking back, for someone terrified of talking to people for fear of them hating me, thats pretty good!
So despite some of the people there making it clear they didn't want me around, I had an okay year. Spiritually too, it was awesome.
Last year was the best year friend wise. I had Ellie (Which alone would make it awesome), Bunting (Who would make it awesome on his own, but combined with Ellie put me at the top of the happy list), plus Matt who I was close to, and lack of scary people. I was so comfortable nearly all of the time. But it was a weird year spiritually. Very weird.

This year, I'm hoping, I'll have an awesome year both spiritually and friend wise. I'm hoping to spend alot of my time with Laura, whom I adore. Having conquered my fear of being alone at any point (Its now only some points), I'm also hoping for some time to be on my own. I'm thinking I'll probs get that when I wake up, cause I've always woken up stupidly early at SS. I'm hoping that I can handle the new situations with people I don't know that well as well as I have been doing reccently, so that its not an issue. I'm hoping I'll have a God filled week that will make me want to change my life.

What's more likely to happen though, is I'll end up depressed and sat in the corner of the marquee with noone to talk to.

Ah well. We live and learn.

Its just so soon! I wasn't prepared for it. Ahh. Oo. EEEP :) <3

Dear All.

I would like to use this post in order to offer my weeks notice resignation.

I feel I can no longer continually make attempts at our friendships if I am continually shot down. Though I can understand the occasional need to postpone, or genuine issues, it is the persistant ignoring which has caused the most problems. This also comes from instant deferral of friendship status when another is around.

Furthermore, the lack of reply to various attempts at contact, refusal of potentail dates to meet up, as well as purposeful avoidance at events like Riverside, or sightings in town, make my resignation necessary.

From this point forward, I will rarely go to such lengths to meet up with friends whom do not respond.

Thank you.

Ps- This excludes Rach.




Now thats over, I wanted to make a point about a mongoose.

It may need to change to a compliment. I havent decided yet :P

I have the Florence Album, finally.
And its amazing. I would reccomend it to anyone :D

BUT anyways. I feel the need for random complaints, and as I have nothing better to do, they may as well go on my blog :)

My shrink upset me to the point I might not go back. After I explained to her, basically what was in my last two posts, she countinually asked me if there was any point me trying to be myself, when pretending to be someone else and never letting my guard down was easier.
I was a bit...For fucks sake, I was really mad. The point of it was that my self harming gets worse the less myself I am, and though it is easier to pretend sometimes, rather than face things, its internalizing, which she is there to stop me doing.
Argh it made me angry.
Anyway, she likes doing little drawings and flowcharts of me being upset, she's done it about various incidents that bug me, and though they have no use for me, it means she understands what I say better, so I let her do it. She drew a line across the paper and asked where my shield was now, where it usually is, when it isnt up, etc.

So obviously, at the moment I'm like a brick wall. Full sheild :)
When i met her I was at half shield, cause its slowly got worse.
Usually Im at about half shield.

Then she asked me when I was ever at no shield.

Its a good question. And most of the time, with noone. It used to be with Jasper, but not so much any more-though that may change after Soul Survivor when I can chill with him for a bit.

And then I wondered about the people I hang around with ususally, and though I'm close to alot of them, I think I'm close to so many so that I don't have to open up to anyone. Plus, most of them aren't the heart to heart type. I'd end up scaring them off :P

Anyone I've known for less than a year, I can tell them things, but am not me.

So I let her babble for a few minutes about how I didnt need to be me, and let my mind think about it.

And I finally worked it out. Ellie :)

And I feel the need to be stupidly mushy, so I really hope she doesnt read this cause it'll make me sound like a freak, but I'm in the mood to write it :)

The day we spent in London, I was a tad bit grumpy. Both of us were tired. But I was so freaking happy.
I wasn't having to be funny, or clever, or control the situation. I was relaxed, and chilled, and I felt more like me than I think I have in years. And thats how I think of me. When I'm with Ellie, we can talk about anything. And its okay to do that. I can freak out, shout and complain, and its okay, cause I trust her to the point I have no defences up. Because I don't need them :)

Its a lovely phenomenon :) And I love her to the point bordering on the slightly ridiculous. And she has no idea how much she means to me, cause I have no idea how to tell her. Shes the most awesome person I know :)

Anyways, I'm bored now :P I'm thinking watching a bit of daytime telly on an iplayer, and maybe some more blogging on a seperate subject. Or else I might just look on ebay for ways to spend some money :P

<3

Do you even miss me?
Have you even noticed I'm not around?
That we havent spoken in months?
That the few times we do hang out, we don't mention it afterwards?

I'm slowly dropping into my grumpy and bitter self.

My confidence has been knocked several times recently, and so obviously, my defences are at the all time high. I've got to the point in social situations that I go so far into myself emotionally, that I dont function. I feel like someone acting as myself, the me that people require me to be in various situations.

Its like being trapped inside yourself, as melodramatic as that sounds, because I do want to chill and hang out with people, so I'm trying to come out of myself, I'm just not sure I can any more. I don't even recognise myself when I'm out sometimes, its a bit too weird.

And I'm meeting new people and going into new situations, where I genuinely feel like I have no control of what I do or say. Its like auto-pilot, but someone elses.

Its irritating me.

Anyway. Riverside laters. One new person and a weird couple situation. Ayayeysh :/

I miss Ellie and Laura :(

I feel like a horrible person.

I hate couples. The idea of trying to talk to one whilst their face is on someone elses, never seeing them cause they prioritise, and having to listen to them waffle about how perfect the other person is, does my head in.

At the same time, I adore couples. I'm a total old romantic, where romance is possible, I find it beautiful. My secret love is chickflicks, because theres always love, no matter how cheesey or predictable.. I know how happy it makes people, and how its all worth it, for anything.

But OH MY LORD how much I hate listening to couples. When you're trying to have a civillised conversation and they just have to tell you how amazing the other is. For a while its cute. Its really sweet even. But after you've heard the same compliment for someone else about five times, you begin to get irritated by a) Hearing about it, and b) Their apparent lack of imagination.

But I would never break up or wish for the break up of various couples. I might be grumpy, but thats all it is. I would never wish for any less happiness for any of my friends.

So I'm sorry that things end up that way.

It was so much less complicated when we were small.

The one thing I really don't like about this blog is that the text always makes it look block-y.

Which means its boring and unbroken up.

So I'm just gonna do a post with some pictures, and I'll work out a blog post for them later :)

There have been four key things that have happened over the last two weeks, which I'm pretty sure I never got around to blogging about :)

One- Mullins' birthday. I ended up going for a meal with him and his family. There was going to be more of us, as in, another non-related, but Mullins left it a bit too late and it just ended up as me. Which scared me a bit, I'll be honest, but I went non-the-less.
To be honest, the situation would theoretically be entirely out of my comfort zone. To go out with four people, two of them parents, one a younger family member, and only one friend, to a resteraunt which would be inside with no escape, having never met the parents before..?
Would scare the hell out of me.
But I felt okay. Like I had the confidence to do it. And I ended up being able to talk to everyone there, without being too scared. And so it was nice, especially to be able to celebrate Mullins' birthday with him :) He really is like my little brother again :)

Two- Riverside. The biggest one we've ever had, there was twenty of us, just crashing riverside and getting glared at by old people. The main difference with this one though was that we had two new people, one planned, one accidental :)
Rhiannon brought Vicky, whom I didnt talk to but I wish I had. Have heard well loads about her but have never spoken to her. They kind of kept themselves to themselves a bit :)
And I brought Greg. Who is a friend of a friend starting Brookey 6th form in september. I was a bit...muddled about the idea of meeting him. I'd spoken to him online alot, because Gaby asked me to talk to him, but ofc, everyone's different online. I'm more confident online, and I was a bit worried about how I act- cause usually I go quiet when I'm scared, and I actually wanted to talk to him. But it was alright. A little bit of a stop-start, cause I had to go here and there to begin with, but I think i genuinely got on well with him. And he fit into our group like...I dont know. Something that fits well :P. He was liked by everyone I spoke to.
Though it did spark about fifty thoughts when he said it sounded like our group had everyone they needed...Cause where do I fit in that?
But hey. Have diary-ed about that one :)

Three- Nicks Baptism/Church/Birthday/Roseannas House :) It scared the crap out of me the idea of going to church again, cause I hadnt been in ages, and having just dyed my hair, could have been disasterous for what little confidence I actually had. But I took my coffee, which ended up feeling like a safety net, and forced myself to enjoy being there. I did, admittedly, continually compare it to MBC, which I found much, much, much better than the service being given- purely on enthusiasm. Which is something I'll blog on later, cause it was kind of a big deal. And then afterwards, I didnt feel the same loss, confusion and claustrophobia I usually do, and so just bounced in and out of conversations and places I needed to be.
Was amazing to see Nick Baptised though. Im so proud of how far he's come. I really hope he'll stick with it, and I'll get to see him grow spiritually as well as physically :)
But we went back to the Sheffords house for Lunch, which frankly, is always a good idea. The idea of people scared me a bit, but again, i bit the bullet and it was worth it for the amazing food, and the fact I was allowed thirds :P. It was nice to hang out with Zan properly as well, plus meet even more of her beautifully large family. Though I was concerned when they went through the photo albums and I was in one :(

Oh. And Roseanna got soaked. It woz lolz ye?

Four- Movie Night. Woahh that one was interesting. I went early to hang out with some of the randomers that were also early, and after an hour of beer-pong without the beer, I was a bit restless. When everyone started arriving, it got a bit more interesting.
I realised whilst I was there that I didnt have any safe people there. Since people have been coupling up (another grumpy blog post to follow), I've felt more and more out of it from the group. After all, when you're trying to talk to someone who has their face attatched to someone elses, it gets a bit uncomfortable.
But it was for most of it, okayish. I forced myself to hang out with the people I wouldnt usually one-on-one with, which was kind of nice. I leapt into protective mode for Hooban, which I havent done in a long time. It was great to see Bunting and Dave also :)
Was interesting to see Greg in the group again when it was more intimate (Being at a house rather than at the riverside). Unsurprisingly, he pulled. Which makes me consider he could be the new Matt- but without the history or girlfriend. Not sure. We'll have to see where it goes. But I also think he might actually stick with us next year. Time will tell, but he seems to actually like hanging with us. I also want to prove the people that said he wouldn't wrong.
Its nice, I genuinely think of him as a good friend now :) Which makes me proud I've managed to be sociable and not scare someone away :P
I did however, nearly destroy half of the male population on that day. I'm getting that because I'm skinny, I get picked up and thrown everywhere. Which granted, Is amusing about 6/10 times. But when it proper hurts me, i began to get seriously pissed off. Which, added to my headache, meant i was grumpy for half the night. Which i hate that i did, but still. Cant be changed :/
Watched Nightmare on Elm Street and Zombie Strippers. Which were both HILARIOUS. I know i shouldnt've found either of them funny, and ofc they were NOT my choice of films, but my goodness did I laugh. Which made me feel better :)
The whole sleeping thing was a bit disasterous though. I hated having so many people around me in a closed space. I ended up listening for my ipod for an hour, then walking away to find Mike and Luke awake :) So had a nice conversation with them :)

Ellies tomorrow! Woot! Wish me luck!

(Will edit pictures and length later. This is just to shut up some people :P)

It’s a big word for three letters




I've been thinking about what it means now, having read Sex God by Rob Bell, knowing most of the ideas that the bible has about it, and how it is in the media, the world and school, and because its suddenly become very real for some people in my ‘crew’

When you're young, it’s easy to understand that sex is saved for marriage, in which case its 'making love' (Which I’m sorry, but is way too cheesy to say that often =P). Sex is just the means to make a baby, and no one really understands it. It’s something that’s laughed at as a naughty grown up word.

Then you grow up a little bit, and you start to be taught about sex in school. You learn the mechanics of it, what to do, how it works, how the baby is actually made. But still, for the most part, you stay away from it. Because it’s just not feasible. Especially at an age where you can’t make your mind up, but mostly because it’s still a grown up thing to do. Its on your mind so much to insult people with what knowledge you have, but they’re even more limited than experience.


Church preaches to save it for marriage. It’s sacred, and God frowns upon multiple sexual partners. Nuns and Monks are celebate, because it distracts them from worship.

When you get to the age I am now, which 16, and you're in a crowd that is male dominated, sex is talked about ALOT. The guys all want it, want to talk about it, and want to race to it, want to pretend they've done it, know what they're talking about..... Etc.
And is it any surprise? Nearly every film we watch involves sex in some way, TV show, drama, whatever it is...There’s a pressure not to become the forty year old virgin.

As a world becomes less religious or faith-fuelled, the rebellion of that is an increase on that which satisfies. In this case, I’m talking about sex.

Because waiting for marriage...Well, in the world we're in now, relationships just don’t last. More and more people are getting a divorce, re-marrying, or not getting married at all.
Sex is just a part of relationship....
Isnt it...?

Because my friends are suddenly discovering that the relationships they have now that they’re older, come with a decision. Do they do what society encourages, or what morality encourages?
Do they want to be admired for saving themselves, or laughed at for not getting any?


School, in later life, teaches us what it is, how to do it, and how we could easily catch an STD, promoting safe sex, etc. But there is no emphasis on what it means morally. Every child in school now knows to use contraception for fear of pregnancy or some disease, but very few people link that to what sex actually is. It’s a huge thing. And it’s thrown away so often, because people think it’s what is expected of them.

I guess this rant has come out primarily because my friends are slowly becoming more and more serious about it, and want advice. But it kind of scares me in a way. Because on the one hand, I’m against it- which comes from my church background. But on the other hand- I don’t see why not.

Which is case in point of an example of modern society’s upbringing.
Ayeyeeeshh :)

Wishing is very important. Though its instantly linked- in my mind at least - to Disney, the whole wishing upon a star thing, wishing (as Nick put it so beautifully), "Wishing is a manifestation of hope, so is good".

Even though I adore the musical Wicked, they have it slightly wrong. Wishing does not only wound the heart. It heals it too!

Cause seriously, Cinders would have got nowhere if she hadn't been wishing. Nor would Alladdin when you think about it. And then that would be at least two pretty awesome films that don't exist, just because people were too worried to wish in case it 'wounds the heart'.

Its important to have dreams and hope. If you don't wish for something, you're less likely to get it. Its like...When you're little. And you wish every birthday for something usually materialistic and needless. But it makes you smile and happy :) So even if it doesnt come true, something good has come of it.

And, according to the online dictionary, a wish is defined as a longing. So really, how can longing wound the heart? You don't know what happens yet! Maybe you'll get your wish soon! Or get a better one granted!



So Claire, my most beautiful darling, keep wishing :)


Is it bad that at this point, I would really like a wishfish?

Today...was....awesome.

Honestly? Last night? A wreck. I was beyond hope, panicking about stupid little things and unable to work out who to text- if anyone. I was gonna text Ellie, but by this point i'd worked out that she was on D of E, so didn't bother. I was gonna text Rachel, but deleted the same text three times, cause i knew she was busy. Mike was in a bad mood. The list continued as to why I shouldnt text anyone for help.

So when I woke up, I was grumpy. I agreed to go to Picnic in the Park yesterday, purely because Nick nagged. I got up...cleaned a tiny bit....went on the computer to blog about how grumpy I was...

And then got a text from a dear friend asking if i was home. Um....Yes...?

SO LAURA CAME TO SEE ME :D

Ohhhh the excitement is massive. I was so happy to see her it was unreal.

And, and and, she's one of the few friends I have that I am totally comfortable around. Like, no joke, I feel happy for once :D

Mwa ha ha.

Though now I miss her even more :/

Ahh dears. Five and a bit weeks to Soul Survivor! And I'm stupidly excited now! :D

Next up- Blog post rant about stupid people :)

And so it has arrived. The dreaded friday in which I have to go out and make a fool of myself.

Otherwise known as Prom.

I.....Cant say im looking forward to it. Nor would I not do it. Theres a weird kind of medium of acceptance, but thats about it.

Its gonna be a laugh, seeing everyone, hanging out for however many hours. The fact that after half an hour I get to wear converses just makes the entire thing even more awesome.

And Its not like I'm worrying about it. I dont think I look that bad, I dont have to worry about falling over, and theres no way in hell I'm gonna dance unless its the daddy dance with Bunting, so thats not really my worry.

I dont know what it is.

I mean as I sit typing, my nails are perfectly painted by some scary woman yesterday. My hair is like something out of the eighties and makes me a fire hazard. And though I am not in the dress yet, I'm already in the dress mindset, and am for once, not sat like a man.

But its not meeeeeeeeee....Which I think is what it is. I'll enjoy it as an experience, but the whole thing is terrifying for me. I look so very different, Im gonna have to act different...Etc.

Though I do love that while I'm being mopey, Claire popped up on msn and just said "3 and a hlaf hours until u can wear ur converse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Which is true. I'm happy, so long as I can smuggle them without Dad seeing.


Ahwwwwwwww I dont like itttttttttttttt :'(