Where im in the middle of who i am, who i could be, and where i want to go.


There is a part of me, who sits at church listening to endless preaching at a brick wall. I dont let it in. It doesnt mean anything to me.

And i know as i sit there, what im doing is rubbish, and i could easily run to the front in front of everyone and just sit infront of the cross and cry.

But i cant bring myself to do it. I wont let me. I refuse.

Because i dont want to put my dependancy on someone else, whether unfailible or not. I dont want to go back to the expectancy of being perfect. Whether they mean to or not, thats what i get when i do so. I cant handle it. I believe in God, but I cant always trust in him. I guess its a design fault.

Im also at the point in which i could easily go back to self harming. Because i've ratialionized it to the point in which i know it makes me feel better, im not going to kill myself so why shouldnt i..?

But then i saw the reaction yesterday to my latest slip up...

I spent an hour in tears.

I dont know if i can handle that....And to be honest, i never want to give Mike a reason to dump me...So as 'bad' as it is, i cant go back to it...

Well i could, but it wouldnt be worth it. Not at all.

So im kind of in the middle. Im not good enough for my friends, i do not deserve the amazing boyfriend that i have, and yet any attempt to lower myself further seems to be prevented.

Hmmm....