This is just to remind me, if in less than one years time, Luke Edward Thorneycroft is playing World of Warcraft, he owes me a fiver =D

If not, im not allowed to make any more Rhiannon jokes =(

Blogging takes too much effort...

But its this or German Coursework....

I is thinking blogging is a better plan =)

Though not, of course, in the long run...


Pshwaw. So i am thinking currently about the T-shirts i have finally had ordered, which i should get tomorrow, made by the amazing (and pretty hawt =)) Johnny Durham. His website is hereee and i love him =)

Im also thinking about Operation Beautiful, which Roseanna mentioned to me...Its basically some girl who wants to leave random nice messages about beauty in random places on mirrors, which will get rid of 'fat', or the label at least.

I've heard this idea alot before, but Its just kinda been reinvented in my head. Its well worth checking out if you google it and want to be awesome =D

So today was a weird contrast with yesterday. Yesterday, i had so much fun, enjoyed myself, had a laugh, and today, some of my worst insecurites came out...

I just feel so crap about myself right now, and it doesnt help that some of the scars on my arms have decided to pop up once again, so i have to wear a sweatshirt when im around my parents...Its too hot. Im not complainin about the heat...Im complainin about the jumper, always!!!

I dont really know what to do with myself.

Blergh.

Heat.

I do need you baby, i always will, you ground me and have stuck with me for so long, i love you so much and i will always need you with me, and i havent the faintest idea what i would do without you.

I always have and i always will need you =) You cant get rid of me that easy!
I have no better friends than you =) baby i have other friends, i do, but they would never ever ever replace you, ever, you mean too much to me

I talk different things to different people babes, guys to sadie, s/h to Roseanaa...but i always need you, I just like being able to be myself around you, and I would talk to you more often, honestly, we just dont have the chance much any more, and i hate having to constantly fight for you. Its a fight i will fight, honestly, because i will never lose you willingly, but it just becomes tiring having to justify myself all the time. Im sorry, im so sorry, its my fault not yours

Im sorry i changed =( I couldnt stay who i was though, and im tryin not to be too different but they keep coming =/ Please please please tell me if im changing for the worse...I rely on your honesty :)

I have Mike, but i've been going out with him for four months. I've had you in my heart for about three years baby, you're not going anywhere =)

Thank you honey, thanks x

I'll always need you, and i always have =)

Today was the chemistry exam.

It was also the day that i found myself feeling majorly insignificant.

And a tad clever.

This morning on the bus =D
"Oy! Whats a correlation..?"
"Um...Its one of them uh, relationship fings innit? Like a marriage."
"Oh alright."

Lolage =) Bless the chavs =)

The exam didnt go too badly i guess. I think i can happily aim for an A with that exam, a few i didnt know- which, wierdly, were the tick boxes ones- but i think for the first time i revised properly in a way that suits me and not anyone else.

Now i need to learn the whole of modual five maths for tuesday...

Meh. I dont know how the year 11s do it, i really havent the energy to carry on.

And I dont quite know whats happened to one of the guys at school. There was a time when we were really close friends, and he was honestly like my little brother- annoying but we were friends despite it.
Suddenly he's got the game that most of the guys have. World of Warcraft.
I blame it on the game, cause thats when i noticed it, but its probably my fault somehow.
Because from that point on, he hasnt wanted to talk to me, or if he has, its only cause he has to.
And I dont mind him talking about it, i pretend i do but to be honest, each to their own and if he and mike and matt want to spend their time discussing it, who am i to disagree?

But its got to a point where when i turn away from them because they talk about it, or talk to someone else when i know i'm not welcome in the conversation, he gets annoyed or huffy at me.

He used to come and see me - on the pretense of seeing me at least, which actually means that he came to see me to get into the good books of my friend, who he liked- and now he comes in occasionally to talk to Mike. Its not jealousy i feel, its irritation, how he comes in and the first thing he says, instead of hi is "Wheres Mike?". Half the time i just sit there and wish for a hello. Or a How are you. I want to scream "Im your friend too!".
Or He'll laugh at how i dont understand, or make comments deliberatly to make me feel stupid. I have never felt, whilst in the middle of a conversation, whilst being hugged at the same time, as if i am not welcome whatsoever. When he talks to me its as if he's talking to someone he has to talk to but hates.

I dont know. He just always talks to me in a really condecending way, as if he's only talking to me because he has no other choice and resents that fact.

To be honest its really bugging me. I dont care if he's smarter than me, or has this game, and in school, it rarely seems to make a difference. Until reccently, whereas now its his tools to make me feel useless. He brings it up that he's smarter, or takes credit for an idea, or makes fun of me for not knowing something geekish.

And im not even sure he means to do it.

But its irritating me now. Im pretty calm about this sort of stuff, because often its a phase, or i've done something to upset them...

Now, talking to a guy who was once like my best friend, makes me either want to punch him, or go crawl in a hole at my own uselessness.

I dont know exactly what I need to do to regain his respect, im not too sure tbh what i did to lose it, but im fed up of it really.

Im tired of being second best.

Meh.

I dont quite know whats wrong with me at the moment. I seem to have a 'get it away from me' policy going on at the moment.

Friendship problem? Dont want to deal with it. Suuure, its fine, it didnt hurt me at all....

School problem..? Yeahh, i'll work it out later, im not gonna make a fool of myself, im fed up with my own incompetance...

Exams? Meh, they wont kill me...I'll revise...but im not surrendering to the pressure i know is there...

Personal Problems- Cant be bothered. Just go away.

Im sure i should be feeling more than just 'blergh'.

I hope anyways.

I dont quite know what I've done...

But whatever it is, im really sorry =(

I miss you, and when i see you it always seems a little...off. Like you dont want me there, or have better things to do.

I dont know. Im just scared im convinient.

Im scared cause i dont want to tell you some things any more, because i dont want you to hear them...and then im being selfish, becuase i cant talk to you and i want to...

Ich leibe dich.

Maybe im overreacting or am just plain wrong =P But im scared im not.

And you'll never know who this is, and theres no comment box.

(Y)

But i wanted it known.

Its just not worth it anymore.

So expect hyperness as i cover it, and if stuff goes wrong, i'm sorry in advance.

Welcome to the greatest show
Greatest show on earth
You've never seen before
Here the fairytale unfolds

What's behind the smoke and glass?
Painted faces, everybody wears a mask
Are you selling them your soul?
Well you'll be left out in the cold

Is it all blue skies
Fun and games untill you fall
Then you're left without anyone at all
You're riding on a shooting star
With a smile upon your face
But soon the shine fades

And you're left out all alone
Wondering where did they all go?
Oooh

Been jaded, hated,
Who'll be around when the limelight's faded?
Been shut down, pushed out
Made to smile when I wanted to frown

Always taking a bow
Always working the crowd
Always breaking new ground
Always playing the clown
Who'll be sticking it out?
Who'll be staying around
When the lights go down?

Pelt me with stones if you will, but only those of you innocent of guilty music pleasures.

Explanation perhaps?

Well, you asked for it.


Who are the role models for 7-11 year olds?

What music do they listen to where they can find these role models?

Pink? Britney Spears? Amy Whinehouse? Whatevers in the charts really.

Pink, though definitly a singer i like, her music is often about sex, or drugs. Though her worse lyrics might be blanked out on the radio, if kids like her and want to buy her CD, theres swearing, anger, and a whole lot of sex 9 times out of 10.

Britney Spears, encouraging of wearing little clothing, her breakdown, though not something i judge, should NOT have been in the media eye. How can kids look up to her?

Amy Whinehouse...Well. Im sure you know where im going with that one.

Chart music? Often bad, with one hit wonders or sex obsessed rappers. Ofc there are times when there is good music, i like some pop even, but theres noone kids can go, Well, he's awesome, i wanna be like him, or Shes great at this, i want to be like her.


To quote pink, they just want to be "Stupid." Dont care about an education, they'll marry rich and life live young.


Then comes along High School Musical. Terrible singing, terrible acting, terrible plot...Terribleness in general. But suddenly, something for that age group. Not too young to be patronising, not too old to be suggestive.

Clean. Fun. Simple.

So from that we move on to Hannah Montana/ Miley Cyrus. She's no Mickey Mouse, not by a long shot, but now theres clean, fun, simple TV programs with the music. Even a film now. Again, bad music, not so amazing singing, and terrible terrible TV shows.

But something for them where there is nothing else.

And then come the Jonas Brothers. Instantly judging by the Disney label, I did as everyone else did and kinda went, "Ergh, gawd what a load of rubbish."

But their music is okay. Its clean, its pop, its the boyband we've complained we've been missing for years.

And they are good guys. Christians as well.

They set good examples. They let kids be drawn to something that wont mess up their heads.

And so, whether it hits my apparent cool-ness or not, i admire them =)

TODAY I went to School, just like normal.

I saved a seat on the bus for Roseanna, just like normal.

I met Roseanna at the Traffic lights, just like normal.

I walked into town, just like normal.

We went to carphone warehouse to see the guys (and new girl =D) just like normal.

And i went to starbucks, just like normal.

The major difference was that this week in starbucks, we sat inside and were joined by John Smith, the pastor of our church.

I like John. He has the enthusiasm our church needs. Hes a new outside force that is coming in to change things- and not only that, he's an amazing preacher as well. He can stand at the front and chat for a while about something- and it really is a chat, he's not talking at you, he's engaging the listener so you can actually pay attention- and suddenly mention a modern day analogy he's thought up, but then he gets so caught up with surprise at how well it fits our church, he pauses for a few seconds and just grins, before going back to the sermon, fitting it in perfectly.

It makes it relaxed, easy to listen to. I look forward to hearing what he has to say at church, and he's very easy to get along with =)

We met up with him first when he first became our pastor, again at starbucks. There were awkward moments, but we did manage to tell him what we thought of the church, the youth effort and the way things are run.

In basic terms, the youth work had fallen to peices. Kingy found new people by the second, and they poured work, effort, money, prayer into it. Its a great cause, and one that i hope to be able to help with when im old enough (or at least something like it on a gap year =P). But the church blindsighted themselves with it, and over the time i've been there, its gone from a good healthy youthgroup, perhaps 20 kids, to me and Roseanna, and occasionally Jodie when she's able.

Im not sure where i stand with God right now. But i know that last year he told me i had to stick with GBC and wait for three major things to happen, and it'd be okay.

I think it MIGHT be that when Emily left, that was the first event. Not to change it for the better, but to change it. I may be wrong.

Im now positive that John coming was one of them. He's a listener, an actioner, and can talk. He wont sweep us under the carpet because we're not a membership leader team person thing.

I have a feeling that Furnace might be the third (or second if i have the first wrong) event to make GBC a better place, and a place where i can find my faith again.

Adrian approached us about furnace.

According to the Facebook group he has since made,-

"The ethos of 'Furnace' is based on Daniel Chapter 3.Recognising the enormous pressure on young people to conform and that standing up often means standing out. We recognise that God does not spare us the furnace but protects us as we walk it.We aim to equip and support our young people as they walk the furnace."

Its basically a youth church every sunday, potentially in a different place so we can make it loud =) It might be something we can bring people back to, maybe even introduce people to =)

Its reaching out again. And its taking no risks. Its gonna be great.

I can feel it.

I think there is something wrong with my head at the moment, in that, things are going well.

Not just well though, but reaaaaaaaaally well. Things with Mike have never been better, Im just about managing with my school work, im beginning to get excited about the Wales trip (With Liam, Claire and Mike) and Soul Survivor (With Roseanna, Ellie, Andrew, Matty and Jasper =D). I havent cut in over a month, and though im drawn to do it im in control. I havent punched anyone reccently. I have a small amount of money that will allow me to go out of the house (WOOP WOOP!). Im halfway through buying a T-Shirt of Jonny Durham designs, which i LOVE, and church seems to be learning.

Things are going well.

I think the best way to prove that is that my blog is filled with annoying little comments or pictures =P

Lack of ranting, i noticed, and so beleive i should insert one here, based on something i've been thinking about =)

Barriers.

The last time i crashed, i crashed MASSIVLY. Bad thoughts just seemed to head in my direction, and i couldnt escape them. It felt like an internal attack, because i just started hating myself again and again and again.

And with Mike, i just felt a bit distanced. We hadnt talked deccently for a while, and my friends were jsut getting to me with small comments.

I wrote down everything i thought about myself that i hated, or that was wrong. I wrote down what i wanted to do to myself, what i thought i needed to do to myself.

Then I forced myself to allow Michael to read it.

Annd we talked.

I kinda realised i hadnt been opening up.

I tell people things, and i tell alot of people alot of things.

But i dont often open up. Be honest, let someone elses feelings influence my own =)

I put up my barriers.

I've been thinking about it in a physical sense, purely because it works better with my analogy.
When i open up, i can let it out. Its never gone, but its not bothering me. When i begin to put my barriers back up again, slowly, slowly, i get more and more bad thoughts inside, before i dont know what to do and try to cut my way out. Needless to say it isnt the best method.

And it appears my barriers have gone back up agan...

But i'm gonna get rid of them =D I dont yet know how, but i deffo will =) before i do something i regret anyways =D

Okay, so this is mostly an imature WOOP WOOP kind of post, to celebrate the fact that the new laptop is alive, connected, and working.

Wooo!

I named him Squishy, and he has a webcam, some awesome software, and have just downloaded msn. ALl it needs now is iTunes, and this laptop is my life =D

Well, kind of. My life is also this Hot Ginger and my Fairy, but you get the idea =D

I'll do some serious blogging soon hopefully, have no fear =P

Much love...


Oh that reminds me!!!

My cousin has declared me immensly sad for having been on the compare the meerkat website (in my defence, does she really think i'll do work in IT lessons?) just wondering if anyone else had...?

Sigh, Police always think theyre better than us =P Im sure she'd love it if she saw it, she is still, afterall, the twenty something year old who asks for something Tigger like every year.



Much love from Squishy =)

Writing!

Pshwaw stuff rapping. Writing for the win =D

Sort of anyways. I seem to be doin it alot at the moment.

Theres the writing of my endless coursework.

The writing of my English Coursework, which gets a whole different thing because it drives me so insane.

The potential writing of the story for Toddy to cheer him up a bit.

The writing of letters to people to whom an apology is LONG overdue.

It goes on. And on. And on. My attention span is tiny today though.

OH!

Right.

Three people off ill yes?

This is fine. Theres a virus going round school at the moment, so its to be expected.

Three were male.

Three were game-obsessed.

Three were World-Of-Warcraft obsessed.

And whilst off ill, they JUST-SO-HAPPENED to meet on WoW.

THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN!!!!!

Grrrrrrrr.

Lolage.

I made Sadie fall off her bike from laughinggg....Nyaahhhh... =) Lolage, it made me laugh thinking about it.

Bored. Babbling. Bye =)

Leila- Cha-Cha-Cha-Cha, Charrrrlieeeee....I just want to point out, even with my singing, I do appreaciate that you are not toilet paper...

Lolage <3




I feel like i need to clear things up a bit on my blog before i can move on =) So If you are the beautiful people who have a blog and also read mine, its not really that interesting at all for you to read, so you may stop without any grrness. Well there wouldnt be any anyways, and i wouldnt know, but still, you get the idea =)

Basically, one of the posts i made on this blog was complaining about how crap i felt around my friends. I didnt realise some of them were reading it, and though i have no problem with it, i didnt expect it to go any further...

I didnt write it for attention, or to make them feel guilty. It was just how i felt at the time, and i felt like ranting it out a bit.

The small comments made were really starting to get to me. I dont know how i was meant to react, and i took most of them as a joke, but some of them upset me. Especially when Michaels around, i felt like i wasnt really welcome around them any more.

And i guess i still feel it sometimes, but its really not an issue. So stop worrying guys, please? Its insane =)

Muchos Love =)