I get that hardly anyone will understand this post, but i dont even care right now =P

Where am i right now...?
(Well on the left, I'm cold, wet, and halfway up a mountain called Cadair Idris, but yeah =P)


I feel the need to share my (probably temporary) contentness =)

I went to Wales...and though alot of it was incredibly unenjoyable, I can say, a week afterwards, that it was amazing =) I loved it, or at least, i love the memories of it =P
Not so much the work, or Wales itself, despite how pweeeeetty it was, but the people and fun that i had.

Where else can you hate the food provided every single day but look forward to dinner time, cause you never know what to expect, what with Chanel and her peg, Claire and her spoon, Liam and his eating, David (being the guy in the picture below) and his big gob, Sir and his camera, the three-legged dog scaring everyone under the table...etc.


It was great. I even ended up not called Charlie any more, cause the girl in the pic on the right with her arm around me was called Charlie also, (love her =)) but as we got all friendly, the confusion was massive, so i ended up as Slater and she as Hooban. Thank God for last names =P


I shared a room with 13 other girls.

THIRTEEN!
As if the estrogen wasnt choking enough, one of my two allies was a complete girly girl, and i ended up hanging out with two more...Well. Tbh, they were awesome and made the evenings so much better =)

Downsides would deffo be the creepy pedo-like boys, the disgustingly unclean hostel, and the winter-vomitting virus.

Blergh.

But i came home...Content. Not overly happy, most definitly appreciating space, but content.

And i promptly threw all of my razors and sharp items out.

There were of course my back up ones, but my new ones too...Because I'd gone back to it, which i didnt tell too many people, i'd gone back to it in a big way.

Again, it was a person that probably swung me the most, but i didnt really think about it.

Like, yet so different to Zanna, i didnt plan it. I was just sat there watching tv, texting..Zanna I think, coincidently...and i just pulled various sharp items from various hiding places and got up and threw them in the bin.

Its not exactly cause for celebration, I wouldnt say i'm healed, but i havent missed them yet.

Its a step in the right direction at least.

I have an impending date with Mikus...Not quite as romantic as it seems I'm afraid, i was half asleep in his lap when i asked him if at some point we could go on a date, and he nervously agreed. I know for a fact he still has no idea what we'll do, and our agreed deadline is before he goes on holiday in about a week and a half.
Hmmm =P


I'm in the midst of an extremly calming retidy of my room. Not the usual "Yes mum, i have tidied" but a pull-everything-out-get-rid-of-the-crap-then-attempt-to-put-it-back-again.
I was even sad when i found i couldnt reaaaaaally fit under my bed any more =(

Michael Mcintyre is my frienddd =D At least he was when i was tidying today =)

I miss Zanna though =( On to my downsides... (HG--> Hot Ginger, blates)

I've lost Zanna for two weeks ='( Still texting, but I have to be cautious cause i have so little money left, which i hate....

I've also discovered Chic-lits, for light reading =) Which is an up and a down really, cause they do pass the time, its nice to read something light hearted rather than my usual James-Patterson-Oh-Look-theres-another-serial-psycho-thriller-on-the-loose. =)


Bad point, im seriously isolated at the moment.
The second cars been broken for ages, but its never really bothered me finding a way to work around Dads going to work or mum picking him up...until i want to go somewhere.

I havent been OUT (out with people, out in the village...) in three days. Im going slowly insane, i swear =/

And i skipped church for the second week. Not my fault for either week, but i probably could have made more of an effort this week.

Well no, i couldnt have, but feeling guilty for not going so it'll do =)

Im in love with the song i posted in my last post. Its genuinly amazing =)

I dunno. Im just not happy, but I'm not unhappy. Certain problems arent with me at the moment, Im spending most of the day reading, I've even begun writing again, albiet heasitatingly, which i havent done in months maybe even a year. Im not happy but i'm not unhappy.

Im content =)

Not that it ever completly went, but girlface appears to be back =/

I was so proud at being able to get rid of it! No stupid giggles or dozy smiles when someone mentioned Mike.

Pffft. Stupid Wales.

Its all out the window now ='(

Lave Him =D

^^
SEE!!!


Ellie is making up movie titles for it.
So far she has- ""girlface strikes back" "return of the girlface" and "girlface the revenge""

Laveyouall=)

A conversation to be remembered.

On the subject of the increased price of Relentless at the village shop compared to the 35p own brand energy drink they do...

"I so shouldn't have bought the relentless at that price, what if now the shop keeper feels that putting the price up of things is ok because I still bought one, what if she decideds it's ok to put up the price of other things, what if she puts up the price of the 35p energy drink by 6.2% then it would be the 37.17p energy drink, now that would be impossible, so she might round it up to 39p and then it would be the 39p energy drink and that just wouldnt sound right so we should not buy relentless from that shop again!!"

On the subject of when i was going to hers...


Her- so when will you have finished and what time are we meeting and are you coming here???
see what i did there, that's a question mark for each question, but not right after each question, right at the endddd:P
i need a life
and i shouldn't spend so much time on my own

Me - :L:L Yeah you really shouldnt :P
I reckon about half an hour
but we'll both be online so i'll just tell you :P

Her- kk
i might not be online i might get abducted by aliens:-O they might take me into their spaceship and sell me as a slave on their home planet, and then when they get bored of me they might cook me alive and eat me whole, then i wouldn't be online, i would be in some aliens tummy!! on the other hand I might still be online
brb aliens outsie
outside*
and i need a drink

Me- :L:L:L:L Okays :P

Her- back no abduction they just wanted a photograph with the famous, most happiest and beautiful fairy ever:P

Me- Yay!!! :D :P

Her - so now that I know they don't want to abduct me, we can assume that I will be online



Not much really that can be said after that =P

I havent really talked to alot of people about this, but having spoken to a friend who is getting baptised, I think i should perhaps lift my veil of silence and explain where my faith is going.

I dont have much.

I fully belive in God. I've seen so much that are God, and there is no doubt in my mind he exists, he is real, he is there.

I also know that alot of my belief is just me wanting him to cure other people, friends, family.

I know that he loves me, and that he can offer me a relatonship, but i dont want it.

I dont want his love, and i dont want his care. I dont want his sympathy.

I know its stupid, as he is God, but I dont want to rely on him, and so how can i force myself?

I dont want God as a big part of my life, I just want to be myself first, and i refuse to allow myself to go to him out of fear. I want it to be my decision, not my last resort.

When people preach to me at the moment, it generally just irritates me. I hear so much echoing hypocrisy, see it in so many places, i dont know waht to do.

Im torn in so many directions at the moment, and one of them is God.

The only way to please everyone is to break into peices, and it looks lke im headed that way anyways...SO meh.

Just all out.

Life, is extremly confusing right now =)

I have no idea where I, or any of my friends for that matter, am headed.

Usually, this is quite a normal thing, Ohhh i could never guess my future oooo!

But no, i mean, Im just being surprised constantly by what things are happening, and how peopel are reacting, and things people are saying or doing.

Life very much confuses me.

Thats about all i have to say really.

OHHH

Apart from two things =)

"We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve!" A quote i found which i really think is quite true

and

Taylor Swift, im sorry, but if you wake up and your parents are out and you feel like dancing around in your pajamas, is always the best choice. You belong with me =D Watch the video too, its pweeeettyyy

I lied, theres anothr thing.

I love Sophie =D

If this self hatred doesnt go by tomorrow, i want a refund on honesty.

Do you know what type of person i am?

I am the person who will be listening to music on her ipod, get to a song she doesnt like, go to change it, search through her pockets and not be able to find it, and have a mini-panic attack that she might have lost it....

I am also the type of person who will have my phone on charge all morning and then forget to turn it on at the switch, just before going out....

Woop Woop =P

I lost a friend to world of warcraft.

It sounds really really stupid, and I know I've blogged about it before, but i feel like feeling sorry for myself, so i'll post my friendship issues =)

We were really close =) I could talk to him about anything, he was just my little brother and he was one of the things that made me happy. He listened to and encouraged my happy-Mike babbles, said some really nice things, but he was there for me, and we were friends.

I blame it on the game, cause thats when i noticed it, but its probably my fault somehow.

He then got World Of Warcraft, which is something a few of the guys have and often talk about it. I guess he had something to talk to other people about now, so he didnt want me anymore..

I kinda got forgotten in a way, and then he began to make snide comments, purposly exclude me in conversations, talk to everyone he possibly could before talking to me.

He even began flirting with my boyfriend. (Which for the record, im not even sure if he knows that he does, but im not the only one who has noticed it).

I just...

Im really really really tired of feeling second best.

And im worse than that now, cause he wont even talk civilly to me- the odd line in biology is relativly nice, but everything else is just bitchy- and he doesnt even realise it.

I dont know exactly what I need to do to regain his respect, im not too sure tbh what i did to lose it, but im fed up of it really.


And second best comes in elsewhere also, with an old church friend.

Who wants nothing to do with me.

Who doesnt give a crap about me being upset that she doesnt want to talk, because she has better friends.

People who are so much better, she's willing to drop everything and not talk to me.

Second best.

Worse than second best.

The bottom of the heap.


Another friend, the odd text, see her every week, still feel like she doesnt care. She doesnt listen any more, she preaches, she doesnt give me an honest answer, she tells me what she should tell me. I dont know if thats just her thinkng but im tired of it.


On the field, my panics about not being wanted...The second i went down without my security people, so sure that i could handle it, people like me! Thats what they keep saying! Fucking lies, i hadnt felt so stupid and insecure and unwanted since the bus in year seven.


And i worked out who i could talk to now, who i felt comfortable being able to talk about things that really worry me, not just the surface crap that i tell everyone so they dont ask...
Its a pitifully small list. Roseanna, about some things, Mike, about some things, when his phone is ever on, and thats probably about it.

I could talk to some of my other friends, but not about the things i want to, it just doenst feel right at the moment...

So its all sticking in my head, written down in my diary which i then reread, remember, feel worse...

And i just keep messing up in everybodies eyes.

My friends, my parents, everyone, im failing...

Blergh.

dftba