I lost a friend to world of warcraft.

It sounds really really stupid, and I know I've blogged about it before, but i feel like feeling sorry for myself, so i'll post my friendship issues =)

We were really close =) I could talk to him about anything, he was just my little brother and he was one of the things that made me happy. He listened to and encouraged my happy-Mike babbles, said some really nice things, but he was there for me, and we were friends.

I blame it on the game, cause thats when i noticed it, but its probably my fault somehow.

He then got World Of Warcraft, which is something a few of the guys have and often talk about it. I guess he had something to talk to other people about now, so he didnt want me anymore..

I kinda got forgotten in a way, and then he began to make snide comments, purposly exclude me in conversations, talk to everyone he possibly could before talking to me.

He even began flirting with my boyfriend. (Which for the record, im not even sure if he knows that he does, but im not the only one who has noticed it).

I just...

Im really really really tired of feeling second best.

And im worse than that now, cause he wont even talk civilly to me- the odd line in biology is relativly nice, but everything else is just bitchy- and he doesnt even realise it.

I dont know exactly what I need to do to regain his respect, im not too sure tbh what i did to lose it, but im fed up of it really.


And second best comes in elsewhere also, with an old church friend.

Who wants nothing to do with me.

Who doesnt give a crap about me being upset that she doesnt want to talk, because she has better friends.

People who are so much better, she's willing to drop everything and not talk to me.

Second best.

Worse than second best.

The bottom of the heap.


Another friend, the odd text, see her every week, still feel like she doesnt care. She doesnt listen any more, she preaches, she doesnt give me an honest answer, she tells me what she should tell me. I dont know if thats just her thinkng but im tired of it.


On the field, my panics about not being wanted...The second i went down without my security people, so sure that i could handle it, people like me! Thats what they keep saying! Fucking lies, i hadnt felt so stupid and insecure and unwanted since the bus in year seven.


And i worked out who i could talk to now, who i felt comfortable being able to talk about things that really worry me, not just the surface crap that i tell everyone so they dont ask...
Its a pitifully small list. Roseanna, about some things, Mike, about some things, when his phone is ever on, and thats probably about it.

I could talk to some of my other friends, but not about the things i want to, it just doenst feel right at the moment...

So its all sticking in my head, written down in my diary which i then reread, remember, feel worse...

And i just keep messing up in everybodies eyes.

My friends, my parents, everyone, im failing...

Blergh.

dftba