I havent really talked to alot of people about this, but having spoken to a friend who is getting baptised, I think i should perhaps lift my veil of silence and explain where my faith is going.

I dont have much.

I fully belive in God. I've seen so much that are God, and there is no doubt in my mind he exists, he is real, he is there.

I also know that alot of my belief is just me wanting him to cure other people, friends, family.

I know that he loves me, and that he can offer me a relatonship, but i dont want it.

I dont want his love, and i dont want his care. I dont want his sympathy.

I know its stupid, as he is God, but I dont want to rely on him, and so how can i force myself?

I dont want God as a big part of my life, I just want to be myself first, and i refuse to allow myself to go to him out of fear. I want it to be my decision, not my last resort.

When people preach to me at the moment, it generally just irritates me. I hear so much echoing hypocrisy, see it in so many places, i dont know waht to do.

Im torn in so many directions at the moment, and one of them is God.

The only way to please everyone is to break into peices, and it looks lke im headed that way anyways...SO meh.

Just all out.