And I feel amazing =)
I expected a weekend away with church to be somewhat...Well...
Churchy
Which would entail long and boring talks about how Jesus said point a in the bible, but really meant point b, Which if you look in the old testiment actually shows he may have meant point c.
Which are always interesting talks, but well, its a weekend, of which i gave up my favourite bed and single lie-in of the week, and a heavy talk...Pfft. No thanks.
I was wrong =)
Im gonna have to get used to saying that, I will be using it more than once in this post.
Do you know what I got?
Well actually, most of you do, but I'll say it anyway =D
I got two of the most awesome youth people ever, who I got to watch grow in confidence, and who are amazing at encouraging immaturity, are trusting and full of God.
They're approachable and friendly, and I am in discussions with God (I will win =D) about bringng them down here, because they are exactly what our church needs.
Anyways, we ended up playing games that involved getting wet (Although I succeded in staying dry), there was cow-racing, cushion fighting, mass raving, and more.
And it wasnt "GOD LOVES YOU, ACCEPT THIS NOW 'CAUSE ITS TRUE HONEST!!" which i've found alot of events away are. Not in a bad way, but its just how they are, theyre very urgent in their message, and I find myself kind of snapping back that I dont want it, and blocking myself off.
There wasnt ANY of that =)
It was more, "Hey, God loves you.". Casual, calm, interesting, makes you think.
Especially the conversation I had with Andy =)
I'm not even sure why I went upstairs to the youth room in the first place...I was so anti-everything at the time, that i just didnt want to go to the service.
Jordan and Emmy didnt particularly want to go either, so we had a walk and a chat (Which even now I wouldnt trade for anything =).
But left with nothing to do after everything was over, we went upstairs.
Which i beleive is a Godism.
I missed the service which affected many people, but in doing so i had a very casual conversations of which im sure has changed thing. Anyways, im getting to that.
The entire weekend was positive. I had my friends, i had hugs every time i even thought about it, I had "love you" and laughter every few seconds. I didnt feel like i had to meet anyones standards, and i couldnt be bothered with feeling embarressed.
But my weekend was also a tad bit Godly, which i never expected...
My faith has been very much pushing God away for quite a long time, and when asked by Andy (The awsome-youth-leader-man-person) i said pretty much that.
I didnt plan it to be a discussion, i was just honest.
He asked me why, and so i told him I was in a place where I couldnt ask God for anything because i didnt know how my return would be. I wanted to come out of this on my own, to prove to myself that i could, and that I had noone to blame but myself.
Have i mentioned that I desperatly wanted to cut? I was planning it and everything, because i wasnt with Roseanna, when i got back to my room i could've got away with a few cuts and then wear my shoelaces a bit better...
So anyway, Andy told me about how he was so pushed out of church and doing the weekend was worth it for him, and how he'd grown that week, to be alot more like his old self. He said a few more things, but eventually asked me to pray to God about anything that evening. Five minutes he said, just to talk to him.
I laughed it off, and said how I wouldnt do it out loud in case Roseanna was asleep and woke up to hear me talking to myself.
And to be honest, in amidst the fun-but-extremely-interesting-conversations, i pretty much forgot about it. We all slowly started drifting off to bed around midnight (early night for us lot =P) and Andy told me he'd pray for me. I kinda just shrugged and Jordan and I walked back.
Roseanna wasnt in when I got back. I text her and told her i was back, read the cool magazine that was left in the room, and doing a bit of nothing.
She text back and told me that she was gonna be a while and so seizing the opportunity, i went to get out my razors. It was the first time i'd been ready to do it since i got back from Soul Survivor. I'd been so tempted, but always managed to control it.
I found my pens before i found my razors...And i remembered what Andy said, and so attempted to find some paper to scrawl down a prayer.
It was kind of a, sure, why not. Andy asked nicely, i owe him that at least.
I wrote about four pages, which is average for me, but it was nice. I dont know. I just felt a bit calmer.
I read a bit more, doodled a bit more, and then went to sleep (Roseanna walked in like, two seconds later but not the point).
I barely realised that i'd forgotten to cut.
In the morning i felt a bit lighter. And not just because i skipped breakfast =P
I took communion also. First time in quite a long time. I just felt comfortable with the group that i was with.
Kays, i know this seems like a very long post for a tiny tiny tiny revelation, but bear with me.
I thought the same this morning when i woke up. Thought kept going through my head... I must've been hyper or something, it was rubbish, i should've just cut, blates praying isnt gonna help, God wont want to know, ect.
Then i got a text from Katie.
Katie is like...My spiritual friend. I dont know her that well but she is just full of God.
I was at her baptism =)
Anyways, she sent me a text saying it was a tad strange but she woke up and wanted to tell me Matthew 7: 7.
Do you know what it says?
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you
Apparently, all i need to do is ask.
God spoke to me...
TWICE! =D
So I'm going to give it a go.
I dont know if it will work
But apparently God wants it to work.
So why not? =)
I will try.
----EXTRA NOTE----
Today is in fact the tuesday after this, and I apparently am still being spoken to. I got given this at a careers thingy today.
I will beat it =)
