I think my enthusiasm for anything and everything has been destroyed.

I had a blog all written, with just a paragraph left to write about how excited I was about Christmas, and how I aimed this year to make everyone smile, I didnt care how, but if Christmas was about Jesus, its the best time to smile. I wrote about how I hated seeing my friends so upset or stressed and I wanted to do something to cheer them up...

I just deleted it. Because now, my head hurts, i know that the gifts i have for people are crappy, and will probably just leave people annoyed at me, I know that Jesus wasn't even born at Christmas, and hardly anyone else gets why its such a big deal. I know that Christmas is just a commercial excuse for a holiday and noone really gives a crap. I cant be bothered with it, its too much effort.

I was really excited about wanting to (Continuing the theme) create some sort of Christian event before or after Christmas. I knew everyone was kinda experiencing a drop in their faith, and I had prayed about it and had a feeling it would be great.

But it would be me organising, so noone would want to come, it'd fail epically, and would only make things worse. Its safer not to. And anyway, like our church would pull through for us.

I was really excited that this year I would make it a year to be close to everyone..I was going to email all my cousins and suggest we go out for starbucks around or after Christmas, because all my aunts do is squabble and so even though my family live locally, I barely know most of them. I was going to make a renewed effort with my friends, with people i didnt know very well, and work to be a friend everyone can count on...

And I've ended up saying "Bah Humbug" to the lot of them. Sure, I enjoy meeting up with people I rarely see, but I'm finding myself lost in the friendships i have...And wondering if there is any point. I'm ridiculously lonely at the moment, which is ridiculous, I have a boyfriend and friends all around me...But every sign I get tells me that the friends dont want me there, or they'd prefer someone else, or that i should just leave cause everyone would feel better about that.

Im drowning, again. I didnt even realise I'd broken surface until I was under it again. I have a boyfriend with a shaky relationship, a group of friends whom at least two dont want to talk to me, I'm petrified about New year, because it means January, it means after Christmas, it means its a year since i wanted nothing more than to stop everything by any means possible. I'm in frickin therapy, which oh-so-helpfully, they give you one session then make you wait two months. Within two months who knows what I could be doing. Two months takes me to freakin february. Im scared now! I dont know if i even want to come back any more.

I dont think I'm strong enough for it.

I know these are just stupid examples, but there are loads of them, and I'm fed up. So now I've ranted and wasted your time. Sorry. PLERGH.

='(