The other thing Karen asked, to continue my last blog, was what my friends thought of me, and what strangers thought of me.

I know what strangers think of me. From walking into a room of a year ten form with Sadie to promote freaking Christmas Cards (which tbh I only helped with because Sadie asked me, I was a tad busy otherwise =/ ) and just before Sir gets them to be quiet, I hear a kid near me go "God, that one on the left is fucking ugly".

I carried on with my little speech and for ages it didnt bother me all that much. It does now. I wore a dress on Christmas and Boxing Day when i went to see family, and all i could think about was that comment, and why did i have to look the way I did?

And I guess thats the superfcial side of me...But thats what strangers see. Im fed up with my friends finding out about things like this and going "but you are beautiful!".
Well no, obviously not.

And what do my friends think of me...Well I gave some vague answers, but to be honest, as awful as it sounds, alot of the time my friends tell me I'm amazing. Which i know isnt true. And so I dont absorb what they say, because they're just playing the part that comes with the job description.

So then she gave me a few seconds to think about it. So I said something along the lines of that each friend would probably say something different. For example, Mullins would see me as confident and outgoing, but Andrew would see my total lack of inteligence. Leanne would see the bitchier side of me, but Sophie would see the more joking side.

It all changes.

So Karen then asked the stupidly cliched question of "So who are you you around?"

And it was weird. I'd never thought about it like that...I always thought that yeah, I have a mask but thats just what everyone has, i didnt realise it was different.

So she gave me a few seconds to think up my answer. It took ages for my brain to sort through it. People I had been me around, now...well they hurt me. So they never saw me again. And never will.

So I kept thinking. She did the watch check thing though, and though i wanted to think about it properly, without realising it she had rushed me.

Ellie, was who I said. And I realised it was true. Genuinely, Ellie is the only one really who I feel totally comfortable around. She's seen me cry, at church, when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm mad or freaking out, and I dont have to try to be different to what I am.

However, somehow, at the most amazing sleep over ever, Hooban, Claire, Liam and I were talking about important things to us, and conversations went off on tangents, and somehow, we were talking about it. I said that the only person I could work out was-

Hooban cut me off. She said Jasper.

That was another few seconds of thinking. I love Jasper to peices, he was totally there for me, but I'd ruled him out when talking to Karen because I never told him my problems any more, because they werent his business and I'd done that enough.

But as Hooban said it, I worked out its kinda true. Because I am me, whether thick or clever, funny or stupid. Even through the looks i get.

So now i have two people.

Then we somehow got onto a discussion about God. It was great, Hooban is a catholic, Claire was unsure, and Liam doesnt like it at all. It was extremely interestng and good fun.

So then I was asking do I show God my full self?

And I dont. At all. I show him different sides at a time, and he can see me for who am- but I dont show him that.

Maybe thats what my issue is.