Karen told me yesterday that if I was so keen on making sure people knew -at least in part- who i really am, rather than who I was, I had to write down who I thought I was. There were no right or wrong answers, just opinion, and she wouldn't, couldn't, and didn't want to judge. She just wanted me to write it down. Who did I want people to see?

I actually couldn't answer her. What little ideas I had in my head of how I wanted people to see me would sound big headed, and besides, they were barely ideas.

I just kept saying to her, "I don't know.".

I could see, even with all of her training, she was a tiny bit frustrated.

But the same thing happened in my hypnotherapy, with crazy-hippy-hypno-lady. I had to describe myself. I refused.
"Charlie, the only person who cant describe themselves is stupid, and you are not a stupid person."

Well apparently I am because I couldn't then, and I still can't now.

What do I want people to see?

I guess...

I want them to see I'm not who I was.

I was rude and violent and aggressive.

Karen said that I only became like that because of the bullying, and so it became a cycle. But still, I was that person to some people, and I shouldn't have been and I regret it.

So I managed to work out I wasnt (as) rude or aggressive or violent any more. That was something I had to prove.

I then tried to work out where that left me, and all I could think of was Leilas facebook mail, where she said how great it was I didnt give up and I opened my heart to people.

So I tried to explain that in a way...I wanted and strived to be this person that could help, and I really hope that I do help, at least some of the time for some people anyway.

So that was something on my list.

She asked me how my parents would describe me...I knew Mum, but hadn't a clue for Dad. I was going to ask him today but he's in a strop, surprise surprise. Words would be used like "Bright" and "intelligent", as impersonal as a teacher would use.

She asked me if I was bright or intelligent, and I said kind of, only my expectations are low, because that way I can only be pleased and rarely disappointed.

She'd given up on me writing by this point. She picked up on hints that I had accidentally made, for example that I'm stubborn.

So my list, as it stands right now, is as follows.

Vaguely smart but too scared of failure.
Stubborn.
Strive to prove myself.
Easy to talk to...

And thats it. That is, apparently, how I see myself, when I was trying to be as positive as possible.

Well that sucks.