Hope is the most exciting thing in life. If you honestly believe that love is out there, it will come. And even if it doesn't come straight away there is still that chance all through your life that it will.


I found this quote, and I actually love it. It sums up something I could never put into deccent words. So read it people. Its real =)

Why is friendship always a favour, and never done selflessly?

Why do really shit things have to happen to decent people?

Why are people so fucking cruel, or disgusting, or rude sometimes?

Fuuuuuuuuuck.

Youth at church...Well, I'm not sure where it is going.

In the last few months, I've been thinking more and more about the Youth at Church, about Gods plan, and about the whole state of it. I've been listening more, picking up on vibes, listening to rants, and comparing to how things were.

Take for example, Ignite.
And yes, I do mean Ignite. You go from RNA, on a friday night filled with weird organised games that are fun for most of the people who go, with tuck at the end. But towards the end of the years you can go, you get bored slightly. I mean, its a great group, but its becomes a little patronising towards the older years. Thats kind of where the problems begin. Because before I went to Church, there used to be DNA, the next one on, which was a do-it-yourself RNA. Which was fine. But they stopped it, for whatever reason. So the only option then, was Ignite.

Which I think was way too presumptuous of the church to begin with. It was dominantly christian, whereas RNA was barely. It assumed that once people reached that age, there was no point in bothering with outreach, because they were all either Christians at that point, were uninterested in continuing, or would be forced to continue.
Okay, some of it was socialising, but the majority who went were from Christian families. Before, of course, noone came any more.

So the church changed, which is something I would usually admire. Church has to change. Its when it sticks in its ways that the problems begin. Only somehow, GBC miraculously manages to cause problems even when it abides by my change theory.

Because theres always been this worry...Because, leader-wise, we have a few, but to be honest, Abe is the only one who still bothers to talk to us, and as awesome as he is, he isnt around alot, doesnt really talk to girls well, and is leaving =(

And after Abes mum died, we realised this sudden shortage, when there were massive issues with leaders at soul survivor. So we had Debbie and Brett, who none of us really knew, or had spoken to.
Thankfully, they were actually amazing. They weren't youth leaders, so we could talk to them about how we actually felt about church, that Ignite was minimal, specialist, and had no appeal. We couldnt bring friends, there was nothing challenging, and all of our ideas were going ignored.

To be honest, noone actually expected them to listen.

So anyway, suddenly, things start happening, Adrian tells us about this Furnace and Crucible idea.

Furnace is a monthly youth service held in Godmanchester School for all of the Youth at GBC.
And To be TOTALLY HONEST I think its a little bit young. Alot of the younger lot would rather mess around than listen, yet the talk is aimed at them so to involve as many as possible. Granted, i have missed the last two, but having been to every other, and had to force myself to enjoy it by dancing like an idiot...
Its a good idea, it is, its just not enough for the older lot, older both spiritually and physically.

Crucible is where cracks start appearing. The idea is that its a cell group designed for us, to replace ignite, and is supposed to be alot better than ignite was.
And to be honest, It could have been. I think it started well, and I think it could become even better. Its just...Too fuzzy around the edges.

The idea was that we'd all be friends who could rely on each other, spiritually and emotionally and so forth. And to be honest, its just Ignite but with a bit more structure and food at the end.

Its also been, for want of a better word, Hijacked. At first I was so thankful that Adrian finally took an interest in us, what with the impending loss of Abe, but its kind of just thrown into focus that he prefers the Decaf group to ours, as he takes a full interest in them (because they're his pet project, the ones who won him an award, etc. I dont begrudge what he does, because its amazing, but it irks me that he pretends to make an effort with us). He's also forgotten we existed with Soul Survivor, because he's now put us with decaf, and said he's only taking us in good favour. When, we would much rather go together in the group that we know and trust.
This annoys me most.That we are apparently the result of some grand favour he has done us.

Okay, i know its iffy to get huffy over this...But it seems as if he is only helping us to get recognition rather than Godly influence.

Now i love Adrian. I do, he's amazing, and he's great for the church. I just wish that we had a full on leader, who would take control of our groups, who we could talk to and ask for help with. Though Jamie is amazing and i thnk this is a great experience for him, we need someone less close to our age, because it just feels like one of us is taking the evening.

So really, I'd love for a new youth pastor who gave a crap about everyones slowly-dying faith. One that united us and had a laugh with us and that we would talk to.

I would love more than anything for that to be Andy. But realistically, its not going happen. Its unfair on his wife, who doesnt want to move, and his kids, who will hate it.

But to be honest, he's the kind of guy that we want.

But we're not going to get anyone till september, and knowing GBC's indecisiveness, it'll be another year before we actually have anyone. Sighh.

There are a few upsides though =)

Firstly, Debbie and Brett. Are somewhat awesome. Remember our Soul Survivor complaints? We thought they would stick around for Soul Survvor and then blend back into church =( But they came to Crucible. They chat to us at church. And out of their own time, they created Rendevous.

Which is (i think, but being grounded i havent been able to find out) a new better version of what i thought DNA to be.

I dont know. I know alot of people are bugged by these happenings in church, and to some extent, I am too. I mean, I knew when i joined the church, after I prayed about it, I knew that I had to wait for three things to happen before church got better. The first, Im pretty sure, was Emily and her leaving. It kicked GBC up the butt. The second, was the arrival of John Smith. Who listens to us and takes views into account. His services are amazing also. The third?
II dont know yet. I think it will be Abes leaving, as another kick up the butt. But im not sure I want to stay around to see any more.

It doesnt bother me in the sense i want to run and fight for change. If it calls for it, then i will. But to be honest, church has never really helped me up, with the exception of John Smith. Youth stuff just doesnt work for our age at GBC, so im not sure if i should bother continuing. GBC just cant do it.

I have sufficiently ranted.
End.

Hamsterr I miss you.

I miss the person you used to be, before you were friends with them. I miss the random conversations we used to have, about really, nothing at all. I miss being able to confide in you and get your advice. I miss your random stories about your cat. I miss you improving my music taste. I miss the fun we used to have, round your house, in brampton, being totally immature. I miss how you used to just laugh at me when I said something stupid. I miss the ridiculous things we would come up with. I miss you smiling at me. I miss you being my friend.
I miss you.

I've missed you for ages now. We havent been friends in a long time. You know I'm terrified to text you? Whereas we used to have really random conversations via text (you're still saved as Hamsterrr btw =P), I'm too scared that if i text you, I'll hear that you've said somethng, like you did with Sadie when she used to invite you out.

Im scared of you now. Because you're...well, you're popular. And I know thats great, and they'll probably be better friends than us and you'll have more fun with us, and thats fine...But Im terrified, because if you can treat Leila, and Sadie, and David, the way that you do when you've known them for years; how on earth would you treat me? Im scared to talk to you.

I know I'm being awful here, and really really selfish. David told me you're happy with your different crowd and that I was being totally selfish by wishing you were still friends with us. So for that I'm really really sorry.

But you'll never see this. You'll never read it. So goddammnit, I can be selfish on my own blog. Im not even sure why I'm writing this, its somewhat pointless. But of all the letters I wanted to write on my blog, yours is the first one i needed to write.
I miss you Hamsterr. I just wish you could be friends with us, as well as being friends with them.

Okay, having gone entirely stir crazy, I am feeling EXTREMELY immature and felt i should share this with the blog-reading-world.

I feel so sorry for Sarah =(

I was looking up the book of Tobit (As you do...well. I do. You probably dont. I had a reason this time though, cause Tobias was telling me his name was biblical and I was gonna tell him his story but then it was a catholic book and was the Book of Tobit instead. It makes sense). And I read the quote for poor Sarah, I'll stick it in here...

Meanwhile, in faraway Media, a young woman named Sarah prays for death in despair. She has lost seven husbands to the demon of lust -- Asmodeus who abducts and kills every man she marries on their wedding night before the marriage can be consummated

Unlucky!! Every single time she got married, and there were seven times, her guy would pop his clogs before she got to do it.

Ouch =P

Haha.

Sorry.

Immature i know.

If that doesnt make you smile, this might =D

http://www.clockwork-harlequin.net/harry_potter/smut.html

IM IMMATURE. I KNOW!

But atm, its making me lol. Tough it out :D

I got the Soul Survivor CD today!
As well as a new Jumper, as mum accidently destroyed my old one =)

I love the songs. Its the type of music that transports you instantly back to how you felt then, the excitement, adrenalin, enthusiasm for God. Where Soul Survivor was cut off from the world in a way, because you didnt have to be scared of what was happening outside of it, it was just plain and simple and fun living for a week. There were no unfair rules, and I think the worse part of it was the cold showers.

I had a dream/flashback thingy the other night. I get them alot, alot of the time its how I met someone or something stupid like that. Occasionally its been much much much worse. But anyway. It went over my memories of Soul Survivor this year.

Those of Jasper being a complete grump (though very lovely). How Andrew won his respect by outsmarting him. A couple of things people said that affected me. The tent setting up. Roseannas inability to sleep. Bernards constant state of sleep. Ellie...Ellie being there =D The memories of holiday club. The anticipation of the first service. The first few chords played that just get your heart going. The hands in the air. The words that feel like they came from your heart.

Its beyond cheesy. But I love Soul Survivor.

The bit I was thinking of the most reccently, was where the band werent finished with whatever they were doing. After their set, they'd gone off stage, and obviously were doing something extremely important, because after the speaker had finished, Mike confessed they werent back yet.

Which must have been a little tricky to do. The speaker had been amazing, the atmosphere was respect and reflection. As near to silence as however-many-thousand-people can get to. There had just been a collection.

Now I cant do this tale justice, but if you picture it, you may be able to.

Mike sat down on the steps with his microphone, in the exact mood we were. Respectful. Careful. Open. The camera zoomed in on him.

I dont know if he planned it or not, but what happened was without doubt my favourite moment of my Soul Survivor experience....

He couldnt start the song. But he wanted someone to start Amazing Grace.

Ten thousand people. Singing one song. No music. Just words. Raising them to God.

It was amazing.

Amazing Grace.

So pretty!!

Karen again led me to realise something I had never thought of.
She was askng me about arguments with my friends I had and how long they'd lasted for...And they all seem to follow the same template...

They really really upset me but I kinda just assumed I'd done something wrong, so then I kinda told them how I was feeling...It didnt go well, but after a few days, I gave up and got over it. It rarely bothers me now, its just nice to be back to normal.

The last five arguments I can remember follow this exactly.

So somehow, most likely cause I'd been thinking about it reccently, we were talking very vaguely about what happened with a male friend and I about a year or so ago.

Well, tbh, though I'm not going to say names, I'm pretty sure most people know what I'm talking about though.

It..Well it didnt really bother me. I mean, sometimes, sure, I wonder if it was my fault and if i was wrong and etc and it puts me out a bit...

But i mean, it really really really affected my friend. We're talking Police, panic attacks, still worried now.

I'm really concerned now (for her obviously, I'm a good friend, but also) for me, as to whether I'm normal at all. The only real difference iis that she's younger, but there were other things that bothered me that didnt bother her, so it equals out a bit. It was the same experience...

I dont know. Should I be upset? Should I be mad? What should it be?

I genuinely don't bother with it. It happened, stuff happens, etc.

Erghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I hate being confused.

The title is the noise I make when I'm in this kind of mood...Or at least the best spelling of it I could manage on the internet.

Ikehpwegh.

Today wasnt so bad, in that I didnt want to punch half of the male species... I dont know. I expected it I guess, but I dont know how to deal with it really. I only got wound up in German, and frankly, with how crap at it I am, I was seriously calm =P Although I did make a tower out of pens, and then raided Lauras pencil case to make it longer. Miss seemed to like it =)
Ohh and I did work in Maths for the first time! Sorry. I know its not blogworthy, but Its still pretty awesome =D

Right now though, I'm going totally stir crazy. I need to go out and do something, its all just a bit...Claustrophobic, at the moment. I dont like it. Karen told me I should explain that to mum and see if we can alter my punishment. When i tried to raise the subject, Mum told me if i mentioned it then she'd add another two weeks to it. Great.
I want to see people...I want to go out with Mike (not just cause he has starbucks caramel stuff now =P but because I want us to go back to normality asap), with Roseanna (cause when feeling rubbish, everyone needs a dose of my favourite ginger), With Ellie (no brackets needed, i need that girl), Jasper, Andy, Matt, Katie, Emmy, PEOPLE. I'd settle for going out with a cat! I'm fed up of being homeee =(


Counselling pissed me off like anything yesterday. The words "Its not you're fault...You just need to believe"

Well, I have two qualms with this,

Firstly- Yes, actually it is my fault.

She told me that its like the banana skin theory. If there is a banana skin on the floor, and someone falls over it, they might shout, cry, laugh, be embarressed, etc. But its not the bananas fault that they fell over, and so its not your fault the reaction that comes from it.

Um. Well. If it were me personally, I would blame the banana. Would they have fallen over at all if it wasnt convieniently in their path?
I dont think so!
Therefore, yes, the issues in question are my fault. Cause i started them! DUH.

Secondly and Finally - "You just need to believe"
Oh please. Are we in a Disney movie? Obviously I dont believe, and therefore I am a young teen in freaking therapy. Says alot!!!!!!


Its my birthday coming up now. Only like, three weeks. Which is a bit...Meh, really. I dont really look forward to it. I blame recharge, where they scarred me for life. Bloomin Happy birthday. Yeesh.

Although I am looking forward to my birthday cake =) And I've decided if anyone tells me this year that they cant shop for me 'cause I'm impossible (the amount of times i've heard that =/) I'll tell them scratch cards =P.... Mwa ha ha . I'll be rich enough by march to afford the present I want to get for Zan =)

Sigh. On that note, (if the plan fails) I must go now and do the dishwasher (20p a time! =P) , as well as combat the mass of coursework, all whilst listening to a mixture of Alex Day, Tom Milsom and Flyleaf.

All of which have new albums that are amazing.
Buy them. Theyre great.

Love =) x

Today sucked in epic proportions.

Although Maths was hilarious...Poor Luke was enlightened that Topshop was a womans shop and Topman was a mens shop- I'm worried as to where he's been shopping! =P...And the Duck-Billed-Platypus' ability to produce milk...Hey, we're geeks okay? =P

But it sucked. Guys are lame. Parents are useless. And counselling just wound me up.

I hate not knowing where I stand with people. I hate having to write a personal statement for 6th form when I dont like myself and therefore cant think of much to say. I hate that there are so many things that I hate that if i wrote them all down, my blog post would be longer than Roseannas one about New Years Eve.

ARGH.

On the upside, my favourite TV show is back. Hustle is on people! And its awesome =D

Erghhhhh guys suck.

So alright, I started a new blog.

And okay, I didnt tell alot of you the address...

I wanted to start it and see if I liked it before I gave it out...

So sorry =(

But it didnt feel right, which is important...

So I'm back! =D

Read all about my teenage angst and hatred and uselessness.

And if you don't like it or plan to make fun of me for it, well bugger off now.

Because that was why I started a new one to begin with.

But I'm back now =D

To bitch and rant some more =) x x x x

Dad Lied. Ashley wasnt on Come Dine With Me. But then I got distracted and couldnt be bothered to come back =)

I guess this'll be a short post, cause I cant really think of anything to say....

The end =)

I'm scared that soon even my Shrink wont want to know.

There are some things that I'm too scared to admit to anyone, to myself or to my blog. I know its random but I was thinking about it today.

Hahahahaha the bus did make me laugh today. We had a somewhat interesting discussion with Lottie, who is a year eight and was asking us about Christiam stuff. Its nice talking to her, she always makes me smile, and she's one of the few year 8s that can hold a conversation for a deccent time wth someone older than her =)

Roseanna was making a point by saying God had total control, he was so mighty that he could hold the whole universe in the palm of his hand.

So Lottie asked why God didn't just squish us...Which is now Roseannas theory for what will happen at the end of days =P

So then she asked what would happen when God wanted to punch the devil then, cause it would surely squish us.

Roseanna respoded that he would put it down someplace. Lottie asked where...
And Zans response?

In a fish bowl.

I hope she was joking =P But Lottie took her seriously at least =P

Lol. It made me giggle =)


Being at school with Michael was a tad tricky also. He's too nice. I think it would be easier to handle if he hated me. He's just...a bit off. Which is obviously expected. I just cant work him out.
I also havent yet asked him if he wants his jumper back yet. I sleep in it, and its the only thing of his, from him, that I have, so I kinda want to keep it...Sigh. I should return it I guess.

On the upside hes agreed to go to starbucks with me in February half term. When i'll have money and can buy, and am free, and am not busy.

Hmf. Hope =).

I want to blog more. But I've just been told Ashley Banjo (The Diversity guy) is on Come Dine With Me, so I want to go watch it =)

Byeeeee x

I cant seem to form words properly. This is taking forever...

I ended my relationship with Michael today. Its been 11 months, he meant more to me that I would ever imagine, and he was the best boyfriend.

I dont know whats wrong with me. But I'm too scared to have him as a boyfriend. I wanted, needed- or at least felt like I needed- him to be a friend and not a boyfriend.

We've had issues before and we worked through all of them. I wont stop loving him. I just think im not in love with him any more.

And its scaring me, the after effects. We both knew, yesterday, that it was going to end today. It was amicable. But I cant feel anything.

This morning, nothing. Nothing emotionally, nor physically. I didnt feel the cold, I didnt feel the disappointment at something seriously disappointing...The only thing I could feel was the pain in my teeth because of the stupid new lower brace.

After...Well, I know I'm going to miss him. Massively. But I cant feel anything. I just keep almost crying and cant work out why- I was the one who ended it...I dont feel anything...Whats wrong with me?

I was scared before, to be alone. Because If he didnt love me than noone would.

I took the risk. I dont feel lonely or lost. But then again I dont feel anything yet.

Its weird. I've never been this numb before.

"Well i was looking for cheap car insurance but made a spelling mistake and went to compare the meerkat . com instead! i asked how much to insure a reno and that lemming got REALLY cranky! just be careful with your spelling ok."




then walk off, muttering, "I should have spelled it right, stupid meerkats!"

It has been snowing again. And though it can be somewhat beautiful to look at the landscape covered in fluffy white stuff...

Well, its cold, icky, and stays around well past its welcome. Its the party crasher of the year- fun at first, then turns sour and everything goes downhill.

So back at school. Which is interesting to say the least, I'm straight away back to being exhausted, not least from the school work but from the every day drama that happens.

Its fun though, in places =) Watching Andrew walk with his mouth pointed open to the sky to try to catch snowflakes, only to have Nick throw in a snowball was pretty fun =P

We've also already had 6th form open evening already. Its scary, we've already been talking about Universities! The evening itself was as boring as hell though, Nancy just kept going on about how he made the school better. Joy.

I spent most of the assembly bit pointing out flaws in his speech to Lanni, and getting texts from Matt saying things like "Gawd this is boring".

The rest of it was fighting however many million parents to get to talk to teachers =/

So my list for now is....

Psychology
World History
Philosophy
English Literature

And then take all of them through to A2. Which, If i get a good grade for them, will get me into a deccent university. Which I want to aim for either UCL, Durham or Exeter =)

Look at me with all my future planned out! =D

OHFORGOODNESSSAKE I am so hungry and cant eat anything because of this stupd new brace ='(

And i had a serious post to make but i really cant be bothered right now. My teeth hurt. I want to sleep. And boys smell funny.

Love x

So I feel the need, despite the previously mentioned dislike of a big deal made out of new year, to explain the truely awesome time I had in the transition =)
I went round Zans. I did so last year, and really really enjoyed it, but this year was totally different.

Whereas last year was family friends, who I didnt know at all- meaning it was more me and Roseanna amusing ourselves, albiet awesomely- this year, It was her family round.

I had been warned, by her, her mum, and someone else I'm sure, that they were insane.

And to be honest, I was terrified about going round, because its intruding on someones family, you know? Its like going to a family reunion when you're not in the family.

So anyways, Roseanna did the thing where she talked me into coming, and Im really really really glad she did =)

From mayhem at the table, confusion at the Wii, and Love from the smallest cousin, there was never a dull moment. Food was a LOUD experience, but the scariest it got was party poppers in the lights- I was scared about the brussell sprout fireing I'd been warned about =P. I sat next to Roseanna and Laura, which was great, and Laura is lovely =) I think I got on with her really well (I say think cause i know what I'm like, I'll think its gone well and it actually hasn't =P). It threw me completly that she had brown hair, the one and only time ive met her before was when she was blond =P I kept confusing hers and Sophies names, because now Sophie was the blond one =P

I loved how different her family was to mine. My family involves forced conversations, fake smiles all round, and generally not wanting to know each other.

Theirs was amazingly manicly amazing. They talked because they wanted to, they smiled because it was time to smile =P They accepted me just as they would any member, it was amazing- I even got called "Adopted Cousin" and "Surrogate Cousin" a few times =P

I really wish I had that good a relationship with my cousins. They dont want anything to do with me because I'm younger than them.

That didnt stop anyone from getting on well with Ceiran, the 7 year old cousin who decided he was n love with me (awww =P).

And the fact the aunts had fun...My aunts want nothing to do with anyone over the age of three, or under the age of twenty. They sit and they are very british about the entire thing.

If my cousins and I pinned one of the aunts to the floor to tickle her, well, we'd all be dead...

It was just a great evening. We lost (Well, came third) on Wii Winter Olympics, but it was worth it just to see the joint bob-sleighing.

I liked it best though a few hours before midnight where we were in the kitchin or the dining room with Laura and/or Vasi. Im used to it being a smaller group so it was easier for me to chill with them =) It was really nice.

Vasi also was surprisingly nice, I dont know what I thought he'd be like, but nowhere near as nice as he was =P

It was just a really nice start to the year =)

And the last true freedom I have for a whole bloomin month.

JOY!

I dont understand the people that make a massive deal out of a change of year.
Because really, its just another day.

We all count down to it, watch the same countdown on TV, gather together and usually drink too much, but for all the people who say "THIS YEAR WILL BE AMAZING!" Um. No it wont. Nothing has actually changed.

So my 2009 wasnt great.

But it was a little weird.

I had at least three suicidal friends. I became suicidal myself. Two of my friends suffered some form of sexual abuse. One friend was accused of sexual abuse. I learnt of a few of my friends coming to Jesus. I watched as our church youth fell apart. I lost all confidence I had. I helped small children for a week. I fell in love. I understood. I watched as friends broke. I tried to fix them up again. I went into therapy. I told my parents. I regained an old friend. I lost friends. I made friends. I discovered more fears. I documented my slow loss of hope. I laughed. I made people smile. I hurt people. I ruined lives.

Within twelve months, all of this...

And the decade itself...Well. Ouch. The last ten years mark where all started. The first bullying, the move, the more bullying, the cutting...all of it.

I want to be told that the teens will be the best years for me. 2010 onwards will be my years.

But they wont be. I know they wont. Its just going to get worse, and now I have no escapes.

Fun Fun.