I know digging up old wounds is stupid, but I havent dealt with the issues, and somehow my blog helps.

Four things have struck me reccently.

1) That some of my friends are more amazng than I had ever realised. Seriously, stunningly, amazing.

2) That an the words of a good friend keep hitting me round the head whenever I'm not concentrating...and its not a good thing.

3) That I was friends with someone who is so bitter and spiteful...I saw this side before but never bothered with it...

4) That memories and old wounds suck.


For number one, its not difficult to find examples...People that show they care and just help out. Like, Liam...We had a sleepover at his house to celebrate my birthday. Just having a laugh with everyone was totally amazing =)

Then the surprise party that wasnt a surprise =) It was just really sweet the effort that Mike and Sadie put into it, the fact taht they even bothered was just really nice =)
The fact some people came even though they were totally uncomfortable was also really sweet- the fact they made an effort. (L)


I suppose the big thing dragging me down at the moment is this ridiculous argument.

I keep trying to patch it up, and then i get shouted at again =/

Its not even about the what happened at the beginning now. The trigger for the whole argument has been practically forgotten.

Its just...I'll try really really hard to put my feelings away and have a normal conversation. And we do (have a normal conversation, that is). But then I'll get a text a few hours later with the new reason why I'm stupid and wrong.

Its beginning to drag me down. At first, I had my bubble. The argument was on the outskirts, it didnt hurt, i could look at the ridiculousness of the situation and laugh.

Now it just hurts =/.

And the words of a great friend keep coming back to me also...He said; "After the way you act, I'm not feeling sorry for you. To be perfectly honest, you deserved everything that came to you."

Now this was about four months ago, and it was based on a time when I was very scared, and so, admittedly was very close to the person I'm arguing with.

But after the whole abuse bit, I just keep hearing that in my head. You deserved everything.

I've tried so hard to convince myself I didnt deserve it, and it wasnt my fault, but then he said so himself...

"I didnt force anything on you, if you ddnt want if you shouldnt have done it"
and
"If you really didnt want to you wouldn't have let me."

He bullied me into doing something I didnt want to do... And i let him do what he wanted when I gave up.

Thats whats hurting now. Three times he bullied me into doing something and I refused and fought him. The final time he actually physically hurt me, (though Im not sure he meant to) and I couldnt take it any more and let him do what he wanted.

That makes the third time that I've been told that because I gave up, its my fault.

I dont know if thats true or not, and thats what scares me.

Either way...Im not sure I want to be anywhere near him now. It hurts too much to have him around...

How stupd is that?

Its been over a year and it hasnt bothered me in the slightest...

Suddenly I'm getting flashbacks, dreaming about it, crying about it.

It wasnt that bad =/

Wtf is up with me =/

I was talking to my shrink about a reccent problem I've been having with a certain someone.

I protect this person like....All the time. Always have. I have no idea why I do it, because he hurts me so much, and I always forgive him and make stuff better for him. I dont get involved in stuff that doesnt concern me, but when it does, I'll sort it out. Smooth it over. Make it all better.

My shrink asked how long I'd been doing this. I thought back to my first example of when he really upset me...

It was the June thing. Where he pressured me, forced me, and hurt me.

Though it didnt bother me at the time, and rarely does now, and isnt as bad as it sounds, he sexually abused me.

And then went on to do the same to my younger friend. Who couldnt deal with it. ignore it, supress it n the same way I did.

It got out of hand. Too big. It all blew up in everyones faces. Suddenly, we were all rabbits in headlights, told to pick sides and stick to stories.

It scared me at the time. And it scares me now.

I wouldnt change what I did. I told the police everything that they needed to know, but held back the details that would mean nothing to them, but were too much for me to talk about.

I never realised how truely scared I was of the entire thing.



My shrink has seen me upset with him twice, and so asked if it was a usual thing. It wasnt- I sort everything out before it gets to this point usually. She made me identify a cycle, how it works when things go wrong, what happens.

When i start to feel down, I either cut it away or ignore it and sort it out.
Either way, I dont deal with it.

Its like..OKay, its a rubbish thingy, but its how it works in my head. In my favourite books, the Magician Series by Trudi Canavan, theres a subplot going on with a guy called Dannyl and another guy called Tayend. Tayend is Gay. So is Dannyll, but he doesnt realise he is also, because he always thought it was wrong, and so had used his magic to heal away all discomfort and attraction, and so never noticed it.

I cut before I notice any feelings (not gay ones, unfortunately =P I mean more like fear).

This most recent argument, I could've forgiven him just like I always do. But I didnt.
I stopped myself, to see if my anger would disspate when he had genuinely upset me.
I wasnt that brave at first. It scared me so I cut. I tried again. I cut again. Nothing went away.

And now I'm seeing the side of him that everybody else does. Well, perhaps not everybody, but the people I always defended him to at least.

He doesnt care. About his actions or anyone else.

Now give it a week, and I'll squash all of this doubt down.

But as I see face to face the fear that some of my friends have of him- Genuine fear- and his lack of care for them, even the tiniest bit of compassion...I dont care about him any more. Im angry. I'm hurt. I feel used.
And it sucks big time.

So I'm just gonna say it.

Im terrified.

I am in my bubble, and noone shall hurt my bubble.

In my bubble, everything thats hurting me is shoved to the outside of my bubble. It can nudge me and hurt me but the smaller i stay in my bubble, the less it hurts.

My friends are outside the bubble too. Though they keep it nice and warm most of the time =)

But I can hide from them in my bubble too.

My bubble protects me. When I hurt too much it hurt me more and got me out of the situation.

Bizarrely, though my bubble is mental, Its starting to become phsyical, because im starting to resent people touching me.

Which is weird, because I crave human contact more than anything. I just dont want to be touched. A hug makes me feel weird and uncomfortable and I just want it over.

I have never been like this before. But i just want people away from me. Its so weird.

Owwey.

I think I might just have felt happy.

Properly happy, for the first time in a while.

And I'm sixteen! Wooo! =D

To be honest, theres no difference between being 15 and 16, apart from the height that comes from the new boots I got...=D =P

Last friday, I got pretty much bribed into going to Rendezvous. However you spell it. Anyway, as I panic in new situations- I mean the Tobias thing was ridiculous- I managed to drag Sophie and Andrew to come with me so that I wasnt alone.

And it was amazing.
I've wanted to hang out with Sophie properly again for AGES, it sucks that its so hard, but its why Redezvous was so great. I blew up some balloons, fought with (and lost to) the coffee machine, played a terrifying version of Table Tennis (Though nowhere near as good as the one I played with Leanne a few weeks ago, where she wanted to talk to me and kept hitting the ball really hard to make rachel run after it so we could talk in private...And so by pure accident, Rachels next shot hit her square between the eyes. NICE =P), I played pool for the first time, I laughed at the total weirdness, I commented on a game, i made some strange drink, I heard way too much detail about James' sex life, I distracted people who needed distracting, and It was the first time I wasnt lonely in something like that. I could trust myself, I felt good and okay, rather than scared.

But I only went because I wanted Roseanna to come to Ellies sleepover, so that we could all hang out, the three of us, and she said if i gave her a lift home then she would ask.

So then cambridge the next day with Ellie. MY GOODNESS i missed that fish. I love how random our conversations or thoughts or actions become, even when we actually had to shop for her. I love that I finally have a picture of the three of us, looking ridiculous but really happy. I love that the three of us just got to have a laugh, that we were just us.
And the fact Ellie was working so hard on the can-can with her fingers was just impressive =P

And Awww the starbucks guy! I know its really stupid, but the guy was so lovely, it proper made my day =)

We went to Matts also, which was horrific =P I had Tim Minchin in my bag, cause I took it for the sleepover, and Matt made me watch it with his parents also.
CRINGE =P


The sleepover itself was also truely awesome, though very very different to our usual =P
Ellies Dad kept making us laugh with his random comments, we had Mamma Mia on TV.

Ellie also brought her guitar.

For my birthday present, Fishy wrote me a birthday song. And it proper made me feel really loved, it was so nice- the fact she took the effort, it was really sweet and I proper love it =)

We also watched Finding Nemo, which I had never seen but loved =)

I loved that it was just chilled, the three of us, not having to put up a pretense, just having a laugh all the time.

And thats probably why I enjoy spending time with the two of them so much =)



So being in this stupidly happy mood, I began to look forward to my birthday for the first time ever. I've never been excited about it before =D
I got a little put-out on tuesday though, cause five of my intimate circle friends had told me that they hadnt bothered to get me anything yet. I wasnt being selfish, I was just a bit... I dunno. Put out they hadnt made the effort i guess =D

But to be honest, I got a bit ambushed by people and presents and the such, to the point I felt well loved, nearly all of the presents were personal and thoughtful and just generally really nice =)

It was nice =)

So now I'm sixteen, I feel no different, but actually, I feel a little bit loved now =) x