I know digging up old wounds is stupid, but I havent dealt with the issues, and somehow my blog helps.

Four things have struck me reccently.

1) That some of my friends are more amazng than I had ever realised. Seriously, stunningly, amazing.

2) That an the words of a good friend keep hitting me round the head whenever I'm not concentrating...and its not a good thing.

3) That I was friends with someone who is so bitter and spiteful...I saw this side before but never bothered with it...

4) That memories and old wounds suck.


For number one, its not difficult to find examples...People that show they care and just help out. Like, Liam...We had a sleepover at his house to celebrate my birthday. Just having a laugh with everyone was totally amazing =)

Then the surprise party that wasnt a surprise =) It was just really sweet the effort that Mike and Sadie put into it, the fact taht they even bothered was just really nice =)
The fact some people came even though they were totally uncomfortable was also really sweet- the fact they made an effort. (L)


I suppose the big thing dragging me down at the moment is this ridiculous argument.

I keep trying to patch it up, and then i get shouted at again =/

Its not even about the what happened at the beginning now. The trigger for the whole argument has been practically forgotten.

Its just...I'll try really really hard to put my feelings away and have a normal conversation. And we do (have a normal conversation, that is). But then I'll get a text a few hours later with the new reason why I'm stupid and wrong.

Its beginning to drag me down. At first, I had my bubble. The argument was on the outskirts, it didnt hurt, i could look at the ridiculousness of the situation and laugh.

Now it just hurts =/.

And the words of a great friend keep coming back to me also...He said; "After the way you act, I'm not feeling sorry for you. To be perfectly honest, you deserved everything that came to you."

Now this was about four months ago, and it was based on a time when I was very scared, and so, admittedly was very close to the person I'm arguing with.

But after the whole abuse bit, I just keep hearing that in my head. You deserved everything.

I've tried so hard to convince myself I didnt deserve it, and it wasnt my fault, but then he said so himself...

"I didnt force anything on you, if you ddnt want if you shouldnt have done it"
and
"If you really didnt want to you wouldn't have let me."

He bullied me into doing something I didnt want to do... And i let him do what he wanted when I gave up.

Thats whats hurting now. Three times he bullied me into doing something and I refused and fought him. The final time he actually physically hurt me, (though Im not sure he meant to) and I couldnt take it any more and let him do what he wanted.

That makes the third time that I've been told that because I gave up, its my fault.

I dont know if thats true or not, and thats what scares me.

Either way...Im not sure I want to be anywhere near him now. It hurts too much to have him around...

How stupd is that?

Its been over a year and it hasnt bothered me in the slightest...

Suddenly I'm getting flashbacks, dreaming about it, crying about it.

It wasnt that bad =/

Wtf is up with me =/