I was talking to my shrink about a reccent problem I've been having with a certain someone.

I protect this person like....All the time. Always have. I have no idea why I do it, because he hurts me so much, and I always forgive him and make stuff better for him. I dont get involved in stuff that doesnt concern me, but when it does, I'll sort it out. Smooth it over. Make it all better.

My shrink asked how long I'd been doing this. I thought back to my first example of when he really upset me...

It was the June thing. Where he pressured me, forced me, and hurt me.

Though it didnt bother me at the time, and rarely does now, and isnt as bad as it sounds, he sexually abused me.

And then went on to do the same to my younger friend. Who couldnt deal with it. ignore it, supress it n the same way I did.

It got out of hand. Too big. It all blew up in everyones faces. Suddenly, we were all rabbits in headlights, told to pick sides and stick to stories.

It scared me at the time. And it scares me now.

I wouldnt change what I did. I told the police everything that they needed to know, but held back the details that would mean nothing to them, but were too much for me to talk about.

I never realised how truely scared I was of the entire thing.



My shrink has seen me upset with him twice, and so asked if it was a usual thing. It wasnt- I sort everything out before it gets to this point usually. She made me identify a cycle, how it works when things go wrong, what happens.

When i start to feel down, I either cut it away or ignore it and sort it out.
Either way, I dont deal with it.

Its like..OKay, its a rubbish thingy, but its how it works in my head. In my favourite books, the Magician Series by Trudi Canavan, theres a subplot going on with a guy called Dannyl and another guy called Tayend. Tayend is Gay. So is Dannyll, but he doesnt realise he is also, because he always thought it was wrong, and so had used his magic to heal away all discomfort and attraction, and so never noticed it.

I cut before I notice any feelings (not gay ones, unfortunately =P I mean more like fear).

This most recent argument, I could've forgiven him just like I always do. But I didnt.
I stopped myself, to see if my anger would disspate when he had genuinely upset me.
I wasnt that brave at first. It scared me so I cut. I tried again. I cut again. Nothing went away.

And now I'm seeing the side of him that everybody else does. Well, perhaps not everybody, but the people I always defended him to at least.

He doesnt care. About his actions or anyone else.

Now give it a week, and I'll squash all of this doubt down.

But as I see face to face the fear that some of my friends have of him- Genuine fear- and his lack of care for them, even the tiniest bit of compassion...I dont care about him any more. Im angry. I'm hurt. I feel used.
And it sucks big time.

So I'm just gonna say it.

Im terrified.