Okay, Its a year away, and I might not even get on it, but as I do philosophy, theres a pretty big chance that-
I GET TO GO TO ROME!!!
Oh my goodness. I'm seriously excited. You know when you're little and everyone asks you where you would go if you had a chance?
I always said one of two places, New York, or Rome.
AND I GET TO GO TO ROME!
Oh goodness how awesome its going to be. As its a mixture of Philosophy and RE, (RE, which I wish I had been able to take and Philosophy, the one I am taking), with a load of people already that i know I love...Awwww Im so happy.
Mwa ha!
<3
ROMEEEEEE!!!
Wednesday, 28 April 2010
Crashhhhh
Tuesday, 27 April 2010
Ohhwww. I crashed =/
I was having such a good week, feeling really comfortable, and for the most part happy, and now, for some reason, I'm just exhausted and irritable.
I wonder alot if I'm being used by people. Various friends have made comments to support as such.
Ahh i feel like running away. I cant concentrate =/
I hate being this changeable. For no apparent reason either.
Hmff =/
I think I'll double up on coffee tomorrow. I cant handle feeling this hopless.
Hopefully tomorrow'll be amazing =) And if it isnt, thursday will be.
I was having such a good week, feeling really comfortable, and for the most part happy, and now, for some reason, I'm just exhausted and irritable.
I wonder alot if I'm being used by people. Various friends have made comments to support as such.
Ahh i feel like running away. I cant concentrate =/
I hate being this changeable. For no apparent reason either.
Hmff =/
I think I'll double up on coffee tomorrow. I cant handle feeling this hopless.
Hopefully tomorrow'll be amazing =) And if it isnt, thursday will be.
Social Acceptance
Sunday, 25 April 2010
My shrink, a while ago, asked me how I would describe myself.
To me, this is a horrible and impossible question. I can repeat what people tell me I am, but genuinely working out what I am, is impossible for me. I get really wound up about it and refuse to answer.
Crazy hippy hypno lady called me stupid for not being able to answer, in my second of two failed sessions last year.
What she asked me was if I knew who I was.
I don't care to be honest. Searching for who I am is an endless and futile task, however, it did get me thinking.
I worked out that I have two different major social circles, and several inbetween that.
My two, really, are Church and School.
Within Church theres the people I have to hang out with, and the people I choose to hang out with.
Within school, it seperates mostly into girls and boys, or else, Field People and Inside people.
Its still relevant...Because when I'm with church, I cant be the way I am at school.
When Im with school, I cant be who I am at church.
Because in one circle, certain conversations and things, are more than normal, they're expected. In the other, they're pretty much banned. It goes both ways.
It means that when I've done something totally normal with my school friends, I end up feeling guilty about it in church. Its not necessarily against God, and Its all in good fun, but theres a lot I hold back from my church friends.
Same goes the other way. I will talk about how I beleve in God to the people at school, but I cant exactly have a godly conversation with them, ask them what they think of a problem, or ask for spiritual support.
I'm having to split myself carefully, very carefully, and hold to make sure I dont slip up.
Its intruiging.
Anyway, on a different note, I'm loving the fact its sunny. How it puts me in a better mood!I went out yesterday with the group I usually hang out with at school, which was really nice =) They do like climbing through, whether a tree or each other. It made it more interesting I guess =P
The idea of it was like a picnic kind of thing, which, with seven guys and one other girl, we ran out of food and drink pretty quick. Which meant a run for me, Rhiannon and Joe, to the well loved 99p shop =P
Bored, and impulse buyers, we bought a load of stuff, and then bought fairy wings for Rhiannon, and a football for Joe =P
The football was great fun =P The guys kept laughing at me because I was chasing them for it, because apparently I had never run in front of them before. Im so sure I have! Though admitedly, at school, its bloomin tricky in dolly shoes =P
Anyways, thats where the pictures of today are coming from. I wanted some nice pics of me-and-people, just like before, so hopefully I have a few =)
Its raining =( This sucks. About four seperate people told me that today would be the hottest day of the year so far, and they lied =(
Hence why there's a blog post, instead of a me outside, meeting up with people.
Which I may still do anyway. Depends how lazy I feel =)
Much love =) x
Politics.
Saturday, 24 April 2010
And so I am up.
Whats going on?!
So anyway, I've been carrying round my camera again. Its really nice actually, to have awesomely nice pictures of people that I care loads about. Im finally starting to take pictures of me-and-someone, so Im actually in them now =)
Which is why this post will be covered in awesome pictures =)
But, my point for posting is a little risky. Why? Well, I want to write about my minimal understanding of politics.
My school, constantly trying to earn brownie points against other schools, is running a mock election. The idea being that three people in every year choose to represent a major politcal party- Labour, Conservative, and Liberal Democrats. Now I have never understood polictics in my life, but being surrounded by my ridiculously intelligent friends whom all discussed it, I began to learn...And I'm actually really enjoying this election.
I'm also surprised by the outcome of my knowledge. I always assumed I'd vote Labour, being from a working class family and caring little about people with a stupid amount of money, who flash it around (which was pretty much my parents view of what conservatives were like, and therefore my only view).
I actually find now, that Gordon Brown has had a long time to make changes, and although he has some good policies, he has no respect. He just isnt well-liked enough now for people to want to listen to his ideas.
Its awful really, because he got blamed and dumped with a recession that wasnt his fault. But the fact is, on other matters, Labour have had 13 years to sort things out. In my opinion, we need change, because whatever new party we vote in, would make change, in order to seperate themselves from the previous party. Gordon Brown never had this opportunity, because he took over from Tony Blair. Any changes he wanted to make had to fit with his party's ideas- which they probably didn't.
So anyway, the other two main parties that my school decided we could vote for (and then changed their minds, but not the point), were UKIP and The Green Party.Now I havent kept up with these guys to be honest. Theres too much politics-for-dummies in my head, to bother with parties that dont have a major chance (At least I hope they don't.)
UKIP could have won in our school, because somehow, anything borderline racist is hilarious to the guys. The greenparty havent got good policies, when you take out their save-the-worldliness.
So that leaves the Conservatives and Lib Dems.
As Nick keeps saying to me, A Vote For Lib Dem Is A Vote Wasted. I don't know how much of that is true, but they just seem a bit...nancy to me. The only reason theyre doing well at the moment, is because Brown and Cameron keep getting pissy at each other, and Clegg stays out of it.
He seems to have taken policies from other governments, without really thinknig them through. He delivers them very well, but they aren't good policies. Regional Immigration only works after you've slowed it. Getting rid of Trident is pointless, and for once I agreed with Brown- he needs to get real.
He was amazing in the first debate, and pretty good in the second. But we dont need a speaker, we need a leader.
Which is kind of why I like Cameron for this election. He's well presented, sure of his policies, and he does not want to be squashed like Brown and Blair were by the public. He will fight and he will change.
I liked his ideas on a family based country. I know its all talk at this stage, and its unlikely to happen, but the guy seems to be family based himself. It could happen.
Nothing in particular springs to mind policy wise, but I have noticed, when watching the debates, that I like most of his policies best. He seems more logical than the other two.
I know its not a popularity contest, and I should remember more policies, but I think I know about as much as the average voter- probably more if my parents are average. It is an important part of it.
So anyways, the election in school means there are now the three parties, and it just so happens that the conservative party will be run by one of my friends, whom we labelled long ago, the future prime minister. Fitting methinks? =P
She's asked me to be part of her 'cabinet'. (They get to choose five people to help them with their campaign). I said no. When It turns into a popularity contest at school, I want nothing to do with it.
However, I'm becoming really interested in it now. Shes emailed me and asked me to come to a meeting she's set up.
I think I'll help. I'll enjoy it.
However, my genius 19 year old will probably still have to help me out with half of the political speak that I dont understand =P
I leave you with a pic of Bunting, for his sheer awesomeness =)
Sound Of The Summer
Wednesday, 21 April 2010
I have a few blog worthy things to say, but not many, so its all jumpy =)
I told her to invest in portable suns.
She wasn't impressed =)
Things are very weird at the moment. My motto for the last week has been "That'll teach me for trying to be optimistic".
I have tried, so very muchly to be positive about things over the holiday. And it was great, I had an amazing time, restarted a friendship that I missed so very much, talked to some old friends.
It just seemed that one of the days I thought was amazing, I found out was when my friend was really annoyed at me. And in my optimistic nievity, I didnt even notice. Which makes me feel a bit rubbish.I've also noticed a rather worrying trend. Depression, for me, comes in waves. Sometimes I can sit it out, and wait for it to break, but other times I'll do something to break it. Thats where my problems came in.
The problem now, is that whilst I'm not dealing with it wrongly per say, my methods of handling it could be just as damaging.
Rereading old diaries, and old blogs, I can track the wave of when I feel crappy, and at my worst. And then I appear to be out of it, just like that.
Well the just like that is actually my dealing. And my dealing is usually around the time I'll do something reckless and stupid.
Not that I usually regret it of course =) But its when I'll have an argument with someone, or forgive someone for no reason. I've done alot of things I regret with guys especially, when I've been on this. I've failed tests on purpose (they dont usually mean anything, but still), wound up teachers, bought things I can really afford and dont need, done things totally out of character and unlike me...And apparently, don't realise it.
Its interesting to me. Of course, I regret alot of it, but not for months afterwards. It just seems like something normal to do.
Next jump to next subject =PI got a new camera. A very nice new one, that I treated myself to, with money that I didnt have (Which fits my reckless idea btw =P), but due to the fact I leave school soon, I wanted to make sure I had a good few memories on a deccent camera =)
Its been great, I've got hundreds already =P My idea is, the more I take, a) The more likely I'll capture soemthing awesome, and b) the more I can delete the rubbish ones cause I'll have good ones.
Its been a laugh =)
And So I end, with pictures. Enjoy!
Babble-Ranty-TakeOverTheWorld-type-thing.
Thursday, 15 April 2010
Oh how long its been since I blogged...
Really, I have very little to say, I just miss people blogging right now, and thought if I kept going with it, the odd rant here and there, people might follow my lead, and we'd have a rant-y babbly group of random blogs updating regularly.
And I would successfully take over the world.
Speaking of taking over the world, I had the most amazing four consecutive days ever, from last monday to thursday. Monday and Tuesday were just fun in general, hanging out with Roseanna and Rachel and watching veggietales, seeing Ellie and Leila, plotting to take over the world...It was great =)
Wednesday was terrible. I mean tears terrible. Three seperate strangers in cambridge commented negatively on how I looked. I heard two, my mum pointed out the other (though she attempted to laugh it off, I was feeling that depressed about the first two that I got a tad upset). I didn't want to talk or do anything, I just wanted to go home and curl up. Preferably sleep so it would go away. It was only like, three in the afternoon.
Got a call from Rachel about Starbucks. I've trained myself now, that if I want to say no to going out, I probably need to go out. So Mum dropped me off at Zans.
And you know what? Best decision I could have made. Instead of moping around, I walked in to find Roseanna in fits of giggles about her friend...Which cheered me up instantly. I love when Roseanna's happy, because her laugh is totally contagious. Which meant that when I met Nick for (technically the third time, but this was the only time we talked) first time, whilst trying not to laugh. It lightened the atmosphere alot =)
You know when you feel sometimes, so comfortable with where you are and who you're with, that you can totally relax and feel almost at home? Like you would in the ideal family. It was that. It was great.
And speaking of family, Nick and Rachel are now Daddy and Mummy. They complained for a while, but within five minutes they were refferring to themselves as such. It was nice =) It felt normal and calm and fun and happy and I loved it.
Since then, I've been totally up and down with how I feel. My shrink said the other day that she thinks I dont have clinical depression, instead I dip in and out of it- I show all the symptoms, but only at certain times.
That fits quite well. It makes alot more sense.
Anyways, I've tried some of my older methods of dealing with it reccently. I used to write, and I used to play the guitar. Well, I get bored of the same music all the time, and my printer is broken, so that ideas out. As for writing, my diary for the last month has been empty. I havent much to say...What I have started, instead, is poetry. Which is very weird. Never done that before, is a whole new expierience. I'm trying not to make them too depressing, its too easy to write depression and black holes. I have a few of those. I'm forcing myself to write about a topic, with a rhyming structure and syllable count, so that I have to focus on that, instead of anything else. Its been really healthy actually, Im not sure how long it will stick for though. We'll just have to see =)
That will do for now I think. I shall babble more often though, I have decided =)
Really, I have very little to say, I just miss people blogging right now, and thought if I kept going with it, the odd rant here and there, people might follow my lead, and we'd have a rant-y babbly group of random blogs updating regularly.
And I would successfully take over the world.
Speaking of taking over the world, I had the most amazing four consecutive days ever, from last monday to thursday. Monday and Tuesday were just fun in general, hanging out with Roseanna and Rachel and watching veggietales, seeing Ellie and Leila, plotting to take over the world...It was great =)
Wednesday was terrible. I mean tears terrible. Three seperate strangers in cambridge commented negatively on how I looked. I heard two, my mum pointed out the other (though she attempted to laugh it off, I was feeling that depressed about the first two that I got a tad upset). I didn't want to talk or do anything, I just wanted to go home and curl up. Preferably sleep so it would go away. It was only like, three in the afternoon.
Got a call from Rachel about Starbucks. I've trained myself now, that if I want to say no to going out, I probably need to go out. So Mum dropped me off at Zans.
And you know what? Best decision I could have made. Instead of moping around, I walked in to find Roseanna in fits of giggles about her friend...Which cheered me up instantly. I love when Roseanna's happy, because her laugh is totally contagious. Which meant that when I met Nick for (technically the third time, but this was the only time we talked) first time, whilst trying not to laugh. It lightened the atmosphere alot =)
You know when you feel sometimes, so comfortable with where you are and who you're with, that you can totally relax and feel almost at home? Like you would in the ideal family. It was that. It was great.
And speaking of family, Nick and Rachel are now Daddy and Mummy. They complained for a while, but within five minutes they were refferring to themselves as such. It was nice =) It felt normal and calm and fun and happy and I loved it.
Since then, I've been totally up and down with how I feel. My shrink said the other day that she thinks I dont have clinical depression, instead I dip in and out of it- I show all the symptoms, but only at certain times.
That fits quite well. It makes alot more sense.
Anyways, I've tried some of my older methods of dealing with it reccently. I used to write, and I used to play the guitar. Well, I get bored of the same music all the time, and my printer is broken, so that ideas out. As for writing, my diary for the last month has been empty. I havent much to say...What I have started, instead, is poetry. Which is very weird. Never done that before, is a whole new expierience. I'm trying not to make them too depressing, its too easy to write depression and black holes. I have a few of those. I'm forcing myself to write about a topic, with a rhyming structure and syllable count, so that I have to focus on that, instead of anything else. Its been really healthy actually, Im not sure how long it will stick for though. We'll just have to see =)
That will do for now I think. I shall babble more often though, I have decided =)
