During church, when asked about what plans they had, they happily (though somewhat hesitantly) replied "Making Brownies", and when they returned home, they talked for a while, and then decided to do so.



Knowing there was nothing that could be done to save the brownies, the two merely decided to continue, leaving the tray for ten minutes, before turning it around for another ten.

And so
http://www.london.gov.uk/rhythmoflondon/busking/busker.jsp?ref=hlhtBDU1eqQ&loc=Hammersmith

Please people. He's actually pretty amazing. Do me a favour and vote? No need to register or anything, just click on vote and you've become awesome.

Woop Woop :) x

Procrastination, and the inability to long term revise, is what will be my downfall in exams.

I want a minimum of eight A's. If I carry on like this, I have no chance of getting them.

I just don't know how to focus. Even blogging is a form of putting it all off.

I have english literature on tuesday, and then Chemistry on friday...

I have to teach myself the entire course of chemistry, because I didn't understand it.

English relies more on writing skill. Which I like to think I have, and I'm re-reading all of the texts, but I don't know what more I can do for it. Theres only so much revision possible.

Is it weird I enjoy some of the tests? Like RE, was actually quite good. Two hours to write about religion and God, including scripture and theology. I enjoy the subject, and when you add writing to it, it's even enjoyable :)

I liked doing the English mocks too, even though I did horrifically on them. They were a test of my own writing skills, and improved it greatly. So long as I remember to include: 1) Social and Historical Context (Where available), 2) Language analysis 3) Structural Analysis 4) Quotes for each point and 5) Fancy long words and awesome connectives.

From the mark scheme, so long as the examinner can read my hand writing, if i include those I should get a good mark. Jumping through hoops, in other words.

Anyway. Procrastination attempt number one out the way. Back to revising :)

I'm so bored its stupid.

I did my RE exam today. Seeing as my only revision was going to Church on sunday (somthing Daniel wasn't very impressed by!), I think it went pretty well. Had to go celebrate with the lovely Matty afterwards though :)

Im not sure how i'm feeling about these exams. Im dreading the end of school for the pure reason that I wont see everyone everyday. As much as the monotony does my head in, the routine makes me feel safer :/

Its gonna be weird is all, I guess.

Add the fact I have no chance of passing Maths, or any of the sciences....Plergh.

The other thing is my braces, which I've just had tightened. Hurts like hell :( They put a new bit on the bottom jaw, which means that if i even touch my teeth together it hurts like hell :/ So I'm surviving on cous cous for the next few days. On the upside, I thought it would be another year of them, and instead its just 9months :) I's happy :D



Oh, and I've decided tomorrow is going to be an amazing day. I dont care how or why or whatever, but the last two days have just pissed me off majorly. What with my head hurting, or people upsetting me or giving me a freakin heart attack, its not been all that fun.
I've told people that tomorrow I'm going to have a good day. And they're going to help me. So help me if anyone ruins it.

I may actually cry if tomorrow is bad too.

Sigh. I'm listening to Mum boil the kettle, and using my mad mind skills to call her to make a coffee.

OOO she did! It was chocolate though. Close enough! :D Skillzzzz. Now to use my mad mind skills to steal a male and I'm sorted :P


Ergh, I hate asking for prayer at the moment, and it is most definitely not for me, but my Neighbour is very ill at the moment, and I'm closer to her than I am to my Nan- She's like my surrogate Nan. But she's really ill, and every little helps, so the mass of christians (lol) that read my blog, please pray :) <3

Perhaps its merely the social aspect of it. I have no friends there really any more, the few that I do get on with make it clear they don't want me around, so I have essentially given up. Add that with my bizarre fear of mass of people, and my fear of being alone, and it's not a happy mix.

It could also be that I disagree with some of the services. I didn't like today,  how Adrian interpreted the Vine and Branches story as if you are a dead branch, he'll cut you off. God doesnt cut people off.

Maybe I'm fed up with people being too scared for something to happen. I never feel the presence of God in the people, noone is expecting something. Laura said, that when something happened at her church, some of her friends were terrified, but another wasnt, because they come to church expecting things to happen.
Noone expects anything in church, so noone really asks.
Of course, we shouldn't demand, but why should he help us if we wont put a little trust in him?

But then again, it could also be where my faith is at the moment. I know I need to re-commit to God, because I believe in him and trust in him, but don't follow him....But church doesnt seem like the place to do that. Theres no support, and its as big a step as me becoming a christian again- a bigger one, in fact, because then, i didnt understand the implications of my choice, whereas now I do.

I hate being told to pray about it. I understand the intentions of people who tell me to do so, but to be honest, I cant right now.

I know all the cheesy christian lines that he'll never let me go, and I'll be happier with him, but at the moment, its a tad like Stockholm Syndrome. I'm so used to the situation and crappiness that i feel without God being a major presence, that I dont want to let it go. Its what I know.

So in that sense, I'm running away.

I just hated how church has become something I'm not proud of any more. Its something I dont want to go to.

Nor do I want to be with the same people at youth club shizzle either.


And as I keep being told to tell people that i'm annoyed at them, if i ever do tell you, I'm sorry in advance.

Is compassion dead?

I never understand how hypocritical people can be.

Complaining about something heartlessly. Refusal to help people. Inconsideration for peoples feelings. Souless heartlessness.

I consider myself a pessimist in situations, an optimist in people. Always, i have seen the best in people, and its put me in a lot of crap situations. Im starting to see how people actually arent the people I think they are. Theyre cold and cruel and I don't like it. I dont know how to handle it or be around it. These arent the people I loved.


And then there are the people I do love, that Im fed up with putting up with shit from. I don't care any more. Just leave me alone.


The tiny straw broke irepairably the camels back.

I wanna be a hermit.

Argh.

Not just any legend. One with fantastical beauty, wit, intelligence and humour. A goddess amongst us foolish mortals.

Her name?

Sophie Duncan.

Who is she?

Sophie is one of the most amazing people I know. She can always make me smile when I'm grumpy, or look on the positive side of things when they're really rubbish. She listens, but will talk to you in equal amounts. She's quiet sometimes, but I swear its just to cover up her amazingness that just overflows sometimes :P
She was the one who changed my sense of humour to the way it is, and the reason I managed to pass maths in year eight. She's the reason I sing in school, and miraculously, the reason I look forward to PE =P.
 She always manages to surprise me with something she says or knows. Also, her mad PE skills with Table tennis and air hockey, beaten only by me :P

In fact, I once wrote this about her- (AND ITS STILL TRUE!)

You are quiet but engaging. Loud but not rude. You are my friend. Your mind works in the most amazing ways, you have amazing thoughts. You always look beautiful. You can make me laugh when im at my lowest. You dont judge people because of what other people say. You give chances, you're independant, you're my friend. You're my rock. You are trusted. You are amazing. You're my friend. I love you.


I also said about her two very simple words that sum up a whole section of our friendship....Battlefields baby ;).

Because it was in Belgium, I swear, that our friendship was set in stone. She cant get rid of me now :)

From the coach journeys to goodness knows where, the ferry, the chocolate, the...Interesting conversation ;) and the laughs I had over that weekend...Well. Cant be beaten :P

And the fact I hang out with her nowhere near as much as I'd like to, and yet still love her this much...It says alot :)

So my dear Sophie, your parents must have been freakin amazing to create someone as awesome as you, and I shall be round with that birthday present we were discussing in Chemistry ;)

I love you baby. Happy birthday. xxxx

Love Will Not Break Your Heart, But Dismiss Your Fears.

I always seem to go totally weird when it comes to lyrics. Alot of my God-Inspired shizz always used to come from lyrics, so when I find a band that means something to me lyrically, I hold onto that band and refuse to let go =P

In this case, it is Mumford & Sons. They have the most amazing songs, always starting off slow and quiet and building into something real. All of their lyrics are so sweet, and their album is amazing.

They just keep me calm. Not sure I could have got through my exams without them :)

I also loved that Ellie quoted them to make me feel better. Mumford & Sons now keep me safe, and I love them very muchly :)



Anyways, this week has been...Interesting.

I totally lost myself on saturday after some comments that broke me. I found myself wondering if I should bother to carry on the way I am, or if I should kind of retreat into my own world and stay away.

I did neither. I tried to change who i am.

It sounds stupid, but alot of the comments blamed me or commented, because I am flirtatious. Because I find sexual humour funny. And to be honest, when i hang out with about fifteen guys every lunch, its just natural now to see the funny side in that sort of situation.

So I had to try to change that. Because apparently that made all the bad things that scared me a few years ago, my fault.

I was working on the basis that if three people had told me, close together, that I wasn't right in the way that I was, I should at least try to change.

Not that it worked all the time of course. I discovered how much of my sense of humour could not be repeated at church :P It was tricky. But instead of people liking the change, I got yelled at alot :(

So I have concluded, that people are freaking confusing.

I have been labelled 'boring', 'waste of space' and even told by a friend to 'Go find a new friendship group, we dont want you here like this'.

Which to be honest, the people that said them, I can judge in the sense that to be honest, they're more on the outskirts of the group than I am, and have no say. But still. Um. Ouch?

Maybe thats why people at church don't like me so much, because I dont have my sense of humour so much available there.

Back to the point.

Being someone else, totally sucked. Now my sense of humour is immature, and guy-like, but frankly, fuck it. Its me. Im comfortable with guys, I know where the limits are with them, and thats just who I am. They know I'm joking, and ffs- I dont deserve the shit i get half the time :)

There has been one good thing coming out of this week, and thats been a better friendship with one of my guy friends, whom i love. Purely because he made me laugh everytime someone said something crappy, and I was able to talk to him more :)

So to be honest, I'm going back to the me that I'm vaguely comfortable with.

Tough it :)

For a while now, Its been very bizarre being me.

I'm mostly okay with the people liking me. I dont think people hang out with me out of sympathy any more, a belief I used to hold to my core.

I beleive I'm safe in the friendships that I have. I might be uncertain on some, but when I think about the group of people I hang around with, I think that they might actually like me being there.

Its a nice feeling. Its keeping me going.

Because as well as that, Im having the worst time. I feel like the number of people trying to hurt me is increasing. They're not that bad. I can handle most of them. Theres just too many sometimes.

Sometimes I think I'm foolish to look at the best in people. Because it just puts me in situations where I cant believe people would act that way. It makes it hurt even more.

I've got a friend that barely speaks to me, and makes me feel like I'm just a convinient friend. Another who insists on impossible friendship and then hurts me the most. Another who only ever talks to me when theyve got a problem. Ones who talk about me behind my back, ones who laugh at me and make me feel even worse than I thought i could.

I always thought my friends were some of the best people. No matter where I am, if they have a problem, I'll drop what I'm doing and make sure theyre okay.

I spent over an hour unable to stop crying yesterday, and none of those I asked could come through for me.

Its seriously selfish, and I know I'm being stupid. I just needed some help, but I was blocked at every step.

Its getting seriously suckish. Im wishing, more than anything, that I could escape, just for the day. Run away to London or something. Anything. Just a bit of freedom.
Which is impossible without explaining to my nosey parents whats going on, and with what they know, they'd just panic. I cant be bothered to deal with them too.

German exam wednesday. Now might be a time to learn some german...

But I will hold on hope



And I won't let you choke


On the noose around your neck



And I'll find strength in pain


And I will change my ways


I'll know my name as it's called again
 
-Mumford And Sons