For a while now, Its been very bizarre being me.

I'm mostly okay with the people liking me. I dont think people hang out with me out of sympathy any more, a belief I used to hold to my core.

I beleive I'm safe in the friendships that I have. I might be uncertain on some, but when I think about the group of people I hang around with, I think that they might actually like me being there.

Its a nice feeling. Its keeping me going.

Because as well as that, Im having the worst time. I feel like the number of people trying to hurt me is increasing. They're not that bad. I can handle most of them. Theres just too many sometimes.

Sometimes I think I'm foolish to look at the best in people. Because it just puts me in situations where I cant believe people would act that way. It makes it hurt even more.

I've got a friend that barely speaks to me, and makes me feel like I'm just a convinient friend. Another who insists on impossible friendship and then hurts me the most. Another who only ever talks to me when theyve got a problem. Ones who talk about me behind my back, ones who laugh at me and make me feel even worse than I thought i could.

I always thought my friends were some of the best people. No matter where I am, if they have a problem, I'll drop what I'm doing and make sure theyre okay.

I spent over an hour unable to stop crying yesterday, and none of those I asked could come through for me.

Its seriously selfish, and I know I'm being stupid. I just needed some help, but I was blocked at every step.

Its getting seriously suckish. Im wishing, more than anything, that I could escape, just for the day. Run away to London or something. Anything. Just a bit of freedom.
Which is impossible without explaining to my nosey parents whats going on, and with what they know, they'd just panic. I cant be bothered to deal with them too.

German exam wednesday. Now might be a time to learn some german...

But I will hold on hope



And I won't let you choke


On the noose around your neck



And I'll find strength in pain


And I will change my ways


I'll know my name as it's called again
 
-Mumford And Sons