For some reason, the fact that my blog is on 177, annoys me. The fact its not 18- irritates me also :) The way to rectify this is to blog more often, so i end up with 180. This is the plan :)
Pictures random but amazing.
Anyways, I went to church today. I have to admit that church is no longer church to me, its just a place I go to see certain people and listen to some sometimes-in-tune music.In this case, it was Laura. The beautiful, stunning, and at times hilarious, Laura. Who makes the most awesome noises when she's driving, seriously, you don't need a radio.
I was trying to work out my place in church. Because though I fully believe in God, I do not go to or like church.
Perhaps its merely the social aspect of it. I have no friends there really any more, the few that I do get on with make it clear they don't want me around, so I have essentially given up. Add that with my bizarre fear of mass of people, and my fear of being alone, and it's not a happy mix.
It could also be that I disagree with some of the services. I didn't like today, how Adrian interpreted the Vine and Branches story as if you are a dead branch, he'll cut you off. God doesnt cut people off.
Maybe I'm fed up with people being too scared for something to happen. I never feel the presence of God in the people, noone is expecting something. Laura said, that when something happened at her church, some of her friends were terrified, but another wasnt, because they come to church expecting things to happen.
Noone expects anything in church, so noone really asks.
Of course, we shouldn't demand, but why should he help us if we wont put a little trust in him?
But then again, it could also be where my faith is at the moment. I know I need to re-commit to God, because I believe in him and trust in him, but don't follow him....But church doesnt seem like the place to do that. Theres no support, and its as big a step as me becoming a christian again- a bigger one, in fact, because then, i didnt understand the implications of my choice, whereas now I do.
I hate being told to pray about it. I understand the intentions of people who tell me to do so, but to be honest, I cant right now.
I know all the cheesy christian lines that he'll never let me go, and I'll be happier with him, but at the moment, its a tad like Stockholm Syndrome. I'm so used to the situation and crappiness that i feel without God being a major presence, that I dont want to let it go. Its what I know.
So in that sense, I'm running away.
I just hated how church has become something I'm not proud of any more. Its something I dont want to go to.
Nor do I want to be with the same people at youth club shizzle either.
And as I keep being told to tell people that i'm annoyed at them, if i ever do tell you, I'm sorry in advance.
