I have the Florence Album, finally.
And its amazing. I would reccomend it to anyone :D

BUT anyways. I feel the need for random complaints, and as I have nothing better to do, they may as well go on my blog :)

My shrink upset me to the point I might not go back. After I explained to her, basically what was in my last two posts, she countinually asked me if there was any point me trying to be myself, when pretending to be someone else and never letting my guard down was easier.
I was a bit...For fucks sake, I was really mad. The point of it was that my self harming gets worse the less myself I am, and though it is easier to pretend sometimes, rather than face things, its internalizing, which she is there to stop me doing.
Argh it made me angry.
Anyway, she likes doing little drawings and flowcharts of me being upset, she's done it about various incidents that bug me, and though they have no use for me, it means she understands what I say better, so I let her do it. She drew a line across the paper and asked where my shield was now, where it usually is, when it isnt up, etc.

So obviously, at the moment I'm like a brick wall. Full sheild :)
When i met her I was at half shield, cause its slowly got worse.
Usually Im at about half shield.

Then she asked me when I was ever at no shield.

Its a good question. And most of the time, with noone. It used to be with Jasper, but not so much any more-though that may change after Soul Survivor when I can chill with him for a bit.

And then I wondered about the people I hang around with ususally, and though I'm close to alot of them, I think I'm close to so many so that I don't have to open up to anyone. Plus, most of them aren't the heart to heart type. I'd end up scaring them off :P

Anyone I've known for less than a year, I can tell them things, but am not me.

So I let her babble for a few minutes about how I didnt need to be me, and let my mind think about it.

And I finally worked it out. Ellie :)

And I feel the need to be stupidly mushy, so I really hope she doesnt read this cause it'll make me sound like a freak, but I'm in the mood to write it :)

The day we spent in London, I was a tad bit grumpy. Both of us were tired. But I was so freaking happy.
I wasn't having to be funny, or clever, or control the situation. I was relaxed, and chilled, and I felt more like me than I think I have in years. And thats how I think of me. When I'm with Ellie, we can talk about anything. And its okay to do that. I can freak out, shout and complain, and its okay, cause I trust her to the point I have no defences up. Because I don't need them :)

Its a lovely phenomenon :) And I love her to the point bordering on the slightly ridiculous. And she has no idea how much she means to me, cause I have no idea how to tell her. Shes the most awesome person I know :)

Anyways, I'm bored now :P I'm thinking watching a bit of daytime telly on an iplayer, and maybe some more blogging on a seperate subject. Or else I might just look on ebay for ways to spend some money :P

<3