Jamaican bobsleigh household :)

Cba, want to sleep, so just a letter tonight :)

Dear Friend,
I miss you. Which is weird, I'll see you soon. Not being able to talk to you is really bugging me. I suppose we're better friends than I thought :)
Which is nice I guess. Plus, whilst I'm babbling- you can stop trying to be a tough guy. You know I know you're a softie :p
Much love :)
Charlie xxxx

Its still jamaican.

Ahh my week of blogging is nearing its end. I may continue it just for the fun of it, especially now that I sorted out my blackberry internet :)

I get to see two of my favourite people of all time tomorrow. Oh how I miss fish, its ridiculous how far away she is. If I manage to get a job, I'm so gonna go see her.

I hung out with the guys today, and not my normal guys- which was pretty awesome tbh. I love how in 6th form you find out who your friends really are, and who is worth my time. Whilst it's a wonderful dilemma to have, I have real trouble dividing up my time! Especially as I'm so exhausted so much of the time. Its got to the point I'm considering going to the doctors about it, which considering how much I hate them, says a lot. Its just not normal tiredness, its exhaustion, crippling and reducing, even while I'm sleeping normally and not doing much extra. I don't know what anyone could do about it, but I'm really willing to try. Fed up with this!

Sigh. I enjoyed my week though. The guys today were a bit quieter than I expected, but it was a nice day and they're complete sweethearts. And it was pretty interesting tbh, for one thing, Greg owns a cave. I mean, woooahhh :p. (In fairness not till he's 18 and it is a housey thingy which he'll own half of. But STILL!!!)

See? The quiet kids are the most surprising.

Its the loud kids who make me laugh. I'm gonna do a whole post at some point on the awesomeness of Claire :p

But I"ll do a letter now so I can give The Apprentice my full attention :)

Dear Friend.
I have always wanted to ask you if we would be friends if it were inconvenient. Its easy for us to be together, but I wonder if you really want me around. I want to ask you but I don't want to lose you or upset you... I don't know what to do. People comment on it to me! And I have the utter embarrasment of admitting that the way you are to me is normal. You can show that you care- why not to me?
Love you
Charlie xxx

Have you heard that its a jamaican big brother household now?

Anyway, whilst day still is trying to fix the computer, I'm gonna have to blog on my blueberry. Which is the new name Claire and I have decided on for now, because blackberry is too posh.

So I'll write the really upset letter I attempted to write yesterday but couldn't because blueberry messed up.


Dear friend.
Horrifically cheesy as it is, I swear that for as long as I can remember, I believed that there was good in everyone. YOU are the person that changed that. While I'm still waiting for it to surface, you're the only person who I am no longer sure.
I wonder if that's why I'm actually having so much trouble being around you- you make me doubt myself.
I'm tired of having to hate you. I want you to be the person I used to think you were. I'm tired of having to justify being around you. I'm tired of you never accepting responsibility, of ruining peoples lives for the fun of it. I'm tired of your mess.
Sort it out. I can't handle you much longer. Give me one opportunity and I'll be out
Charlie xx

This is a post, there'll just be a better one tomorrow. I had a beautiful one all written but then pressed the wrong button and it all went :( will do it tomorrow

Cool runnings? Big brother household :)

I'm feeling very creative right now. Like...I want to re-do my room. And print off a load of pictures and make collages. And make everything really cool.

But bad plan :/

If i go near my room something might fall over. It'll take three days to get pictures and by then I'll have lost my motivation- and I dont know what I'd do with the collages :/

Hmff. I'll just have to finish some random stuff :)

Anyways, Instead of babbling today, I shall sort out my background to be new...When Claire emails me back to tell me which one :) I cant work out which one I like best, and so its her call :P

MUCH LOVE :) <3

In the mostly Jamacan Big Brother Household.

Still on Wheezy.
I had just typed- who isnt as loud as yesterday. But then it decided to growl at me, so its deffo still got the attitude.

Sigh. I worry myself sometimes.

Anyway, I haven't all that much to say, but am very determined to continue blogging, so I'll babble for a bit and then maybe write a letter :)

I was gonna talk about Church for a bit, but have been told off for being too Preachy, so I'll leave it out for a bit.

Which leaves me with not alot else to say really. Not all that much in the mood for writing, and I'm also not sure what time Merlin starts.
AH! I know what I can babble about!

So my cousin had a baby, a beautiful boy named Ryan Jacob. As much as I lose out on seeing her, I adore her kids, Luke is about two, and Ryan is only a few weeks.

Luke is gorgeous. He's such a sweetheart, I don't even know why I'm so attatched to him, especially considering I've only met him three times. Whoopie family politics.

Ryan is...Okay, I'll be honest, babies physically are not pretty. Theyre all small and scrunched up for a bit. But I do adore him.
Usually I refuse to go anywhere near them until they're about a year and half. See them? Definitely. Hold them in any way? Nope, they're breakable.
So when Hannah dumped this kid into my arms, I was a tiiiiiiiiiiny bit uncomfortable.
Like, I would have pegged it had I realised thats what she was going to do

But I loved it :) He was sleeping and so totally peaceful, which is probably why it was so uneventful, but it was really lovely.
Though in no way does this mean I'm gonna go jump somebody for one.
Or turn into a worm like Roseanna.

Anyways. Letter time. Mopey, to match my mood :)

Dear Friend.

I love you masses, and though we'll never be quite family love, or any other type of love, I trust you with alot of stuff, and you know more about me than most people do...
I just really wish you'd stop judging me for it. You tell me about stuff that happened when you were my age, and put down everything I feel or do. I swear sometimes you look for ways to judge me.
I trust your input massively. Generally I'll go with what you tell me to do, because usually its dead on right. But you've started to make me scared of myself and my decisions.
I'm a teenager who screws up alot. Just because you made the same mistakes, or were too perfect to, does not change how they are for me.
I'm not mad at you. But nor can I talk to you any more. I just wish I didn't have to be scared of you.
Charlie xxxxxxxxxx

In the potentially Jamacan Big Brother Household...

Where the laptop may take off.

Having complained at Dad for the past month that Squishy is dying and needs re-booting and I'd love it if he could reboot it...He finally decided to do so, after a massive long rant. Anyways, this means I'm left with Wheezy (The original laptop), which, as much as I used to love it, makes SO MUCH noise - I'm actually concerned it may take off- and has a sporadicly working 'I' key. So spelling mistakes this time may not entirely be my fault.

Anyways, I felt I had to brave using Wheezy for the pure reason that yesterday, I promised myself I would blog every day this week.

I even put it on facebook. Thats how committed I felt :P (Though granted, I allowed myself one day off)

Which is why I'm finding that the lack of Squishy is somewhat more irritating timing-wise.

ANYWAY. Its all worth it so long as Squishy gets better :)

I was looking the other day at the FirstSigns website, where they encourage you to write letters to people that you wouldn't ever send, but being completly honest with how you feel and just to get it all out.

Well, I feel like doing that. So over the next six days, though I might babble about the usual impracticalities, I will also have a letter on the end to someone.

I wont say who to, and I wont be specific, cause that's not fair :) But it's an attempt to get me blogging again.

Though I do warn you, as I cant say them, theyre likely to be preeeeetty moody and shouty :)

I'm trying to regain the fact that blogging is theraputic, and goodness knows I could use some therapy right now :)


I see my shrink in a few days, and I'm totally torn between what I should say. She's trying to get rid of me from Therapy, undoubtedly so that someone more deserving can come and take my place, however all that did was panic me and make me regress alot.

So now I'm back where I was three months ago, in the exact same position with the exact same problems. I'm not happy or bubbly any more, I talk about things to less and less people, and I'm better at faking being okay than I thought. I also hate that someone said to me the other day "Ahh you're back to being the Charlie I remember and love!"...Which is the Charlie that isnt okay in Gods eyes. And I know I'm back to how it was, but I dont know how it happened so I don't know how to change back.

Everything seems difficult now, whatever it is. Its not even that I don't have time to do stuff, I just lack the motivation. Its reasonable to one day put off work in favour of guitar, but when theres a sentance to write and its happening every day, its a bit ridiculous. Especially when I know the time is better spent. I cant justify it.

I'm now wondering if my shrink is worth it. When she asks how my month has been, should I use the expletive that aptly sums it up honestly? Or tell her how amazing everything is and see how fast she shows me the door?

Two weeks of feeling okay does not negate three years of feeling crap. I hate that she does not know this.

Argh. Small rant over.