I'm very much a wuss now.

So many things that happen at the moment are scaring me.
No...Not scaring me. Terrifying me. Like, very very very scared.

Most of it is faith based. I feel like a person split in two, and like neither side wants or allows for the other. One side of me is wanting to be a good person, and wanting to be someone people can aspire to. I want to be the person who God wants me to be, and the way I know as a good person, with morals and ideas, I should be.
But its not easy. Its not fun. And it takes more effort than I have.
Its so much easier to be lazy, and the fact that people prefer me that way anyway just makes it simpler. I have new coping mechanisms now, so I rarely resort to that which I once did, only instead, I pull guys.
Whilst people keep telling me they prefer this option to the previous one, honestly, I swear this one is more Soul destroying. Mehhh.



Also, I'm scared and confused about my faith itself (Rather than just its affects on me). I'm scared because I understand why things happen now. Having understood the abilities and concepts behind hypnosis, I can also understand how that is perfectly applied to religious experiences. I see hypocracy in the bible. I see contradictions in God. I despise the Christians alot of the time, and all it stands for.
I should be an athiest. I have nothing against or no opinion on so many things I dont think I can call myself a christian. This scares me.
But for some reason, I still believe. I do a crap job of following him, I accept flaws in his presence, but for some reason, I'm still able to accept his existance.

Blergh, confused man :P

Will blog more later. I have loads to say, just need to do some coursework.

Well, it is now 34 days until Christmas, and at Work, probably seven out of every ten customers is completing part of their Christmas shopping.

What struck me first is their organisation. If I ever -in my adult life- complete Christmas Shopping before the last possible minute, it will be the true definition of a Christmas Miracle.

The decorations at work are up, the songs are out, the presents are being sold, and I'm encouraged to babble with small children about Santa.

Its made me somewhat excited. Whereas usually I would be grumbling about the materialism of such a time, where the purpose is to out-do your friends and family with generosity for your own means as opposed to any true sentiments, I am instead seeing parents sincere excitement at finding the perfect gift for their kids.

There was a Grandmother who I was talking to who had had a rubbish Christmas last year. She'd had a big family, everyone was in different places, and the youngest of her grandchildren had each been hospitalised, one on Christmas Eve, one on Boxing day, and one on New Years.
She was hoping that this year, with everyone coming up to stay with her, it would be a calmer one.

I know its not the best story of hope, because the Christmas hasnt come yet, but the amount I wish for her Christmas to be the most beautiful ever is completely unreal. I want her Christmas to be the perfect dream one, with her kids all together, and her grandkids ultra excited about the spirit of Christmas. And I know what she bought them, they'll have a really fun day whatever happens.

Its just really beyond adorable some of the people I'm meeting. I got really disheartened after a morning when everything stacked aganst me- to the point a customer complained about me because of a misunderstanding- but then I meet these sorts of people, and I'm restored in my faith.

Not my Christian faith, though Im sure what I do mean comes into part of it. But my faith in people. I have always beleived there is good in everyone. Its beyond cheesy to say and admit, but I've admitted it enough times on my blog that its known to be true. I find these people whose attitude upsets me, but for every one of those, I find three who are beautiful.

And like I say, it's made me very excited about Christmas.

My parents call me a Scrooge at Christmas, because I don't like snow, and I don't like Christmas Crowds, or the materialism... But Christmas is pretty much when I come into my element.

I'm beyond terrible at remembering birthdays. But Christmas is my opportunty to get presents for people that they would value and love. And this year, for the first year, I have more money to do it with.

While my list of people I have to buy for is stupidly long, and I do complain about it, I am going to love shopping for them. I love finding something and knowing they'll smile when they open it.

It gives me alot of hope :)

Now, whilst I know that theres going to be alot of arguments, family disuputes, that awkward moment when someone has got you a present and you havent got anything for them... I'm really looking forward to it this year. Bring it on :)

Alright, so as shit as I feel life-wise and faith-wise, there are things which bother me, concern me, or irritate me, that fall into both categories.

For example, in philosophy, it was being argued that you could not believe in a God who has no beginning and no end and always existed. Because you can't have something from nothing.
Well... If that's the basis for the argument, its somewhat flawed sure
ly? I mean, if you chose to make a distinction and then believe science over religion, even science concurs that our origins- origins of humans, the world, the planets, the solar system, must have come from nothing once. We defy logic by existing. So how can we accept our own existance and not that of the guy who probably created us?

I have loads of little niggles that philosophy raises, mostly against the way people are thinking. I'm gonna do another one to get it off my chest...

GOD IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL MAJOR WARS. Without him, or belief in him, our problems would halve.

What utter bollocks. I definitely see their point, but is it God who does this? Or someone who uses it as an excuse?
For example, someone used ireland as an example of this. Well, the troubles in ireland are essentially territorial. The distinction between Catholics and Protestants is just one based on the time they joined the country- protestants became protestants when england changed but ireland remained the same.
Religion isn't the issue in this argument. Its not debating religious issues or some kind of religious vendetta. Its territorial. Or elsewhere, its people using religion as an excuse- that means nothing on Gods word or perfection.

Arghhhhhh!!!! It goes on and on :/

I'm going to post this now and edit it to add bits on to refer to the title, I just am on my bb and can't save it and don't want to lose it :)

So part two of my post would be as it is in the title- the screwtape letters.
The Screwtape letters is a book written by C S Lewis. I have massive respect for anything he writes, because its generally beautifully written and explained theology.

The letters themselves are fictional, written from a higher up demon to his earth bound nephew demon.
Whilst for me, unsure about angels and demons and confusi
ng spiritual warfare, its a bit... Far fetched. But should demons be as true as any other part of the belief I hold, then my goodness The Screwtape letters are beautiful.
The only way I can think to explain it, was if someone wrote to me for advice on how to help someone, the letters are the response- except its not to help, its to turn people from God.


Though I've only read half of it, I do wonder what my screwtape letter/s would look like...

Since I last slept. Or so it feels. And considering its 3 in the morning, sleep would really be quite lovely :)

I'm at Mikes for his birthday. Its kind of a nice new thing for us that gatherings involve overnightness, so there's about 15 of us all squished into the living room watching south park. Which I am listening to, but think the more things I focus on, the more tired I'll get and will be able to sleep soon :)

So I had a bit of a heart attack about my group a few days ago, which if I complained to you about then I'm sorry. I wouldn't say I'm over everything but I may just back off a bit :)

I adored Mark Watson. We came in late because I had work (which I also love) and he spoke to us! :D aww it was such a beautiful evening, especially with Claire :)

So I have a job now! Its glorious. I'm still being trained but everyone seems genuinely friendly :) I'll see how long it lasts, but at the moment, I can't fault them :)

And yes, I'm aware that I'm babbling but I'm trying to fill the time before I go to sleep :)

So.... I really should have taken my make up off, I realise this now. Ah weelllll, I wake up early and do it then.
Plergh. I almost wish things were like they used to be, it all seemed much easier. I wouldn't give a crap about how I looked around the guys, cause I trusted them. Now though, I can't be sure it won't be something laughed at- and I kinda can't risk it when I'm like I am atm.

Awwww Joe fell asleep in the next room on some really uncomfortable chairs and we're somewhat worried he'll fall off :(
Anyway, I want to blog more, but have nothing to say. Hmmmm. Nightttt xxx

Ahh how the tiredness hits, with just a single day back at school.

I really enjoyed the half term. I wish it had been less GOHERE-NOWGOHERE-ZOMGZYOUHAVETOBEHERE-BETHERE, but then again, I dont know how else I could have seen everyone I wanted to without it.

So now I'm back with the monotony of work, although now I have a job :) Which is all very exciting. I hope it lives up to my expectations or else I might cry :P

So I'm still in as crappy a mood as at the moment is ever, with a few things that brighten up my day-

1) GOING TO SEE MARK WATSON TOMORROW! Noone knows who he is until they google him, but its great tickets for not bad a price, so cant complain, especially when Its so local. The fact I'm going with Claire'll make it fudging awesome, because nothing with her can be rubbish :)

2) GOING TO SEE TIM MINCHIN IN DECEMBER! I love him, and him, Claire, AND Ellie, all in one place, for one day, will be amazing. Like, my brain begins to explode if i think about it for too long. AHH :)

3) GOING TO LONDON IN NOVEMBER! Will be the first time ive been to Oxford street, which is also for Psychology- so it'll be a small group of us who I want to get to know, plus Catherine and Claire. AND Ellie. WOOT!

And if the three common denominators in the above happy levels arent clear enough, hanging out with Claire at the moment is beyond amazing.

I havent had a friend that I've trusted this much in years. If ever really. I mean, Ellie, is beyond the awesome levels of friendship, limited only by location. Now, at last, i have a friend who is in my lessons, who i adore hanging out with, and lives 45 minute walk away :D

Ahhh how much rubbish we do. We made a rap about Tea and Coffee. We sat down and let the dogs sleep on us. We decorated plates because cookies wouldnt bake. We watched random old shows that we both love.

Its just niiiiceeeee:)

I cant help but laugh around her. She makes me haaaaappy :) <3


I've also given up to some extent with music. I had agreed in my head that my music taste was terrible, (mostly because I listen to artists based on one song, and how it makes me laugh/think rather than their actual music), and had revamped my music to be more acceptable, but tbh- I don't care. I've started listening to Radio 1 and really like it, so I'm downloading the stuff that I like from now on. It makes me happy, so stuff it :)


I dont have much to say to be honest. I'm babbling further. I just want to please Leila :P

I like how people react to my blog- in the sense its interesting. Its been called 'Witty' (not sure about that one), 'Preacher-y' (Yeah okay, at times), and a nice insight into my brain.

I have to admit thats why I like reading other peoples. Its nice to see how people are thinking.

However my brain is too tired to think, so this will have to conclude.

Lub Lub Lub :)

Oh, and i might write more letters at some point, but for now, the series is over :) <3