Its been really hard recently to find the time to blog.

Not just because I'm don't know how to phrase what I want to say, not even because I'm always doing something important when I'm on the computer, but because I'm just so damn busy.

I cant wait to keep a diary again. I feel like I've got so much in my head I might explode. Even if I werent out every night doing something, my mind essentially runs on a strange loop, a repeat of the months major failures (at tills at work, in essays, in work, in actions, in saying the wrong thing), issues (like how I may lose my job because its only seasonal, but is what is keeping me happiest at the moment, how I'm upsetting people, how such crap is happening right now), and the insults. Its stupid how the last one is practically crippling me. I genuinely cant get through the day...well, cant get through a few hours- without remembering something someone commented about my appearance, or actions.

Its weird being back in this cycle. It hasnt been like this in a long time, and to have so much in my head so very suddenly is extraordinarily confusing. Plus the fact I'm actually beginning to fail my subjects already, and it all makes a lovely muddle.

I feel like I'm my own personal enemy. I'm the one crushing myself, and ruining myself, and self destructing, and I really dont know why.

It might be because its safer not to be okay. I know that when I'm okay, I never quite want to get rid of my dark thoughts, in case i 'need them' later. I don't know whether i'm just fulfilling this point or what.

One of the hardest things about this is the fact I cant run away this time. Usually, feeling like this, I'd back out of everything. Stop going to groups, stop hanging out in my usual place, just so I could battle with my brain.
It never worked. But its what I feel the need to do. So being unable to do so makes me feel trapped, and makes me resent those who keep me trapped. Its not their fault. Its not anything theyve done. Its not even something I can explain. I don't want to admit that thats the reason, I just want to emotionally run away.

This blog post is becoming irritatingly disjointed, but I promised a blog post about how I was feeling, so I felt I should at least deliver that.

Weirdly, I still feel like i've crashed, even after the funniest two days I've had in forever.

Christmas is beginnning to become a chore. Which i despise. I was so happy with Christmas and how beautiful it was going to be for me, and all I get for it is my friends expecting some miraculously perfectly expensive and personal present, and its just even more pressure where I dont have the ability to deliver- I dont have the money to pay for all gifts, nor do I have the time or knowledge to find a perfectly unique present for everyone. I'm trying. I bloody am trying. But i hate that im being told off already for having not found certain people a present. I find myself just thinking, for freaks sake, I'm trying to do something nice for you!...Which i know is a bit selfish. I'm trying. I'm just failing.

And as for my friends...I may just become a hermit. I love them, dearly I do, but the guys in particular are destroying me. I just feel my confidence and calm slip away. I've tried really hard to run away so I don't say something stupid, but then I just stay mad at them for stupid reasons. Theres not really anything I can do, if i'm with them, i'll lose them and hate myself, if i'm not, I'll hate myself but keep them. Its not the nicest of choices but I'm running, because I darent not have them :)

I have to admit though, I think English Literature is the subject I enjoy least for content, but i adore the getaway clause it has become. I don't know everyone in my class that well, so I can sit back and listen, and then when I do decide to talk to people, I can have genuine discussions about what I think and people actually care.
Like Heathcliff, I adore. Im part way through the book, granted, but so far, I totally understand him. I understand why he acts the way he does, I think he is ultimately one of the most realistic characters I've read- because he stays true to form. I detested Cathy, but again, she stayed as she was. She didn't miraculously change personality to suit Heatcliff, or even the Lintons, but she was the same selfish character. We dont have that in most books now. Love usually involves some mass realisation where one character changes themselves for the other character. Wuthering Heights (I know i have to say thus far) is where they suit each other from the beginning.
Which is why theres so much violence :P Because they dont have to faff with it. Which is an interesting approach...
But while most people will glaze over that paragraph, I can shout out about this and discuss this. I can work out why I like H so much, and why I find C so irritating, by babbling about it for several minutes with people who care about it.

I wish I could do the same in Philosophy, but I darent.

Anyways, having just seen length, I shall conclude the rant :) Much love x