I think this is me.

I've always disliked who I was in the past, the bitch, the pushover, the idiot...

But I realised yesterday, after making a somewhat stupid mistake, the title- which, for the record, is a song, albiet a bad one- is my motto for every day.

Each day I find a flaw in myself and attempt to reinvent some part of me. Experiment. The person I am now is completely different to the person I was a few years ago. Just as I am entirely different from who I was last month.

I dislike how my mind thinks quite alot that my friends are in for the ride, or are friends with a regeneration of long ago. It makes things more interesting, because for a long time I tried to change who I was every day to try to make up for it.

Now though, I genuinely dream about people liking me for who I think I am.

And the list up above is who I think that is at the moment.

This might be why I value the friendship of the externals so much, because they know the most recent version of me.

Hmm :) It was just something which made me think :)

There are so many things I want to say, so I'll use my blog for said babbles.

I keep thinking, more often now that I have time on my hands, about people. People that I have a sudden realisation how much they mean to me.

I mean, Fishy and Mongoose, my love for them is unquestionable. They're the best friends I could ever ask for. BUT, Its those few people kind of on the outskirts of my groups that surprise me.

Bunting, for example. Going from me being scared of him- to the point he thought I didn't like him because I avoided him so much- to him being one of the few I genuinely trust is amazing. He's one of the few people I can admit when I don't get something. I'm too proud, I know that, but I don't need to be around him. He's always looked out for me, even when I'm a rubbish friend or person in general. I'm not scared to talk to him, or hang out with him, or go to town with just him. He's a freaking amazing friend, but when it comes to lunch and stuff, I wont always hang out with him- but I know he's always there when I need him. I've done a rubbish job of explaining things, but he is just the epitome of awesomeness.

Gaby too, who I haven't seen (not including the last month), for about ten years. But I know I can go on msn at any point and chat to her, whether I tell her it was serious or I brush it off as something unimportant, I know she's level headed and doesnt mind my ranting. More often than not, she's a massive help. I love that shes coming more into my life, fitting in with my friends like she's always been there. Theres something awesome in the universe that lets stuff like that happen.

Even people like Keiron, who I barely know in all honestly. Within about a week of starting to talk to him, Claire, me and him had an amazing day in Cambridge with him. I'm not scared to ask if he wants to go to town 'cause he wont find that weird. I can sit in a free and talk to him like I've known him for years. He's a damn good friend before I even know him that much.

Then theres Hooban, who I've known and loved for years. The girly who never fails to make me laugh, or make me feel comfortable. We havent hung out just us in years, but the fact we don't need to says alot. We're unbelievebly different, but I love her, and am so proud of her and who she is now. She's awesome, and that makes me happy in itself.

Elliot also, even though he spells his name wrong :) He's a guy who genuinely makes me chill. I can rant and complain at him and trust him with everything. I love listening to him talk about his girlfriend, which considering my couple-phobia is pretty impressive. But he restores that romantic in me (see previous post for what I mean :P Faith in love, not lovey-dovey :P). I like hanging out with him, whether he makes strange noises whilst diving for chips, or telling me theories on words or ideas.

These aren't all- I hope they'll forgive me for saying- people in my peripheral. They're not the people I make special time for, or see every single day, or have a deep history with. They're people in my life that mean a stupid amount to me.

And before people get pissed at me for not mentioning them, they're either peripheral or not surprising or I just ran out of energy :P
And I've babbled for long enough in this post, I shall finish :)
End.

Can I stop blogging yet? Have I done my seven?

I kind of hope so, I'm feeling pretty lazy about blogging now.

But having discovered Mumford have covered my favourite White Lies Song, I have that on in the background while I blog, and so am attempting to finish a post before the song ends.

You have no idea how fast I'm typing right now so that I can make good on that claim :)

Ummm, finished my coursework today! Well, as much as is possible for me to do tonight. Which means I'm warrented in curling up in bed with a crappy book to calm my mind, or stick on some lovely crappy late night television, just to ease my brain a bit. Tomorrow is always a tricky day, its my 5-period-day. I know now why 6th form is such a beauty, I have no idea how now I would handle a 6 lesson day. But anyway, hopefully I wont have too much today, else I might just cry, because thats the kind of mood I'm in now.

End of song. End! :) <3

When stuff got really shit at home, which it did when we first moved house about ten years ago, Mum used to say she wanted to go home.

As a nieve child, I would try to explain to her my confusion- she was at home? We lived here?

I get it now. Because I found myself saying it...

I still have crashed. I'm going  to get out of it damnit, because I'm hitting low, and its only a few steps away from being that low. And that just puts me in even more crap.


I suppose the upside was work, I was talking to a guy who used to go to GBC. He had hated it, granted, but in one of our many conversations, it came up he said that GBC gave the impression of being welcoming, and then as soon as you're there for long enough, suddenly its all cliques. Those who are labelled- in his case- troublemakers, are essentially ostricised within the church. Is it any wonder I don't want to go back?

I don't know what day I'm up to now. Six? Seven?

I'm very aware that not only is my blog title a song lyric, its also a title of a previous post, but I don't care :)

I'm pretty sure I've crashed now.

Which fudging sucks. I was so thankful for the high I've been on since November, but I guess it couldn't last. Its scary how quickly I flipped, and I'm not even all that sure why. Suddenly everything is like I'm on autopilot, like I have no thought process before I speak.

And suddenly, that which I had beaten for the last couple of months is on my mind again.

So essentially,
Shit.

Fingers crossed this is only temporary :/

I believe I stated that I always blog more when I'm procrastinating and have coursework.
With my Howards End and On Beauty coursework at the bottom of my screen, it is safe to say I'm procrastinating again. But, in my defence- Its a horrible essay. Evil in the highest order.

So anyway, I was talking to Mum about the romantics movement and felt I may as well share my thoughts, for no other reason than my own self indulgence. I'm sure I already have blogged about it, but I'm too tired to care :).

I adore the romantic movement. Its not romance, not chickflicks, not relationships, not desperation, its a movement.

The romantic movement is more the beauty of situations. Love, peace, justice, beauty. Its appreciation of true beauty, which is probably why its used in relationship terminology.

It crops up quite alot in alot of my lessons. Philosophy talks about what would happen if there were an entire extra level, above our physical existance, for knowledge and true beauty.
Allow me to ask you this, if you erase everything beautiful in the world, does beauty no longer exist?

To me, though not everyone, is of course it does. You cannot destroy a concept, nor can you truely recreate it.

Its in poetry and books. Wilfred Owen, is apparently a response to the romantic ideals of the glory of war. He fights against them, in his own poetry- the lines which clicked this for me is-

"The front line withers,


But they are troops who fade, not flowers

For poets' tearful fooling:"

He is anti the natural metaphors which go hand-in-hand with romantics, the love of nature and freedom. Yet in his own way he is a romantic himself, making beautiful poetry and hope out of his hatred of war. His words are chosen and carefully selected, he wanted his poems to be beautiful- even if his topic was War. He said himself, "My subject is War, and the pity of War. The Poetry is in the pity"
The beauty is in the horror.

This is why I stand so staunchly beside the idea that beauty cannot be destroyed.

This romantic, beauty idea is prominent in life. Its why I like the idea of solopsism so much, the idea of the world being your own creation. The beauty is mine.

Alot of what it is, is pointless, but if beauty brings joy, then my romanticised view of the world will stay.

Win :)

Alright, so I missed a day, but in my defence, I didn't get home until like 11. I was gonna blog on my blackberry but I was ridiculously shattered and so went to bed :)

So it was Nicks birthday yesterday, which meant the party the night before, and it was lovely. I had to come late because of work, and leave early, again because of work, but it meant that I got all the best bits :)
I walked in and literally got hugged by everyone, which was irritating in the sense when i got there I had to find Claire, and the mass of hugging people were in my way, but adorable and big-grin-worthy in that it was just really sweet to be loved. But I haven't yet said the very bestest bit of which I am most proud of...

I did not drink!! Nor did I pull!!

Which is an achievement, i can tell you :D I'm so fudging proud its not even funny.

I have also survived today without any caffeine. Skills man, freakin skills :D

I am however extremetly tired, most likely because of that, and so my blogging will be a bit rubbish, and probably better tomorrow when I have coursework to do. For now, I leave because I am hungry :)

Claire really really likes the quote "When Words Fail, Music Speaks."

It was said by some random guy, maybe Handel? Who was some major composer. I love the idea of it. Its why I like classical music so much, when you lose yourself in your own thoughts and end up listening to just the music...
Its awesome :)

What I also like is when you find a song which really means something. Music speaks, in this case, whether through just the music, or through the lyrics, or even through the memories.

For example, I love Blame It On The Pop, by DJ Earworm. Its a mash-up, which on principle I hate... But it was played every single riverside we ever went to, and so it makes me stupidly happy to listen to it.

I like the Carter Burwell River Runs Through Her. Which yes, I heard initially because of Twilight, but thats not why I like it. It tells a story, and a lovely one.

Then you have lyric-y ones. Hey Ya, is actually beautiful lyrically, if you listen to the Obadiah Parker version its a bit more obvious than the Outkast one, however awesome it is :)

I like how I find random music that I suddenly have to listen to, and then I wonder what it really meant. I genuinely don't think this will mean anything to anyone else, ever, but I googled it and came up with the quote below.

Thing  is, its exactly where I am right now. Song- 45. Artist- Shinedown

"The inspiration from the song really came from – I think a lot of people kinda take a literal sense because of the lyrics – but the song is basically about the day that you wake up and you look at yourself in the mirror and you finally decide that you want to try to become comfortable in your own skin, and realize that you’re gonna have to make yourself happy before you’re going to make anyone else happy. And basically, the 45 isn’t an actual literal term for a gun, I used it as a metaphor for the world, the .45 is actually the world and what it hands you every day of your life. When you get up, it’s a gift to be alive to begin with. A lot of different people, when I’ve talked about it, they said, “Do you really honestly mean that?” And I’m like, “Well, yeah.” Because I’ve been in that situation where I didn’t know if I wanted to continue going on and I didn’t know how to necessarily make myself comfortable with who I was, trying to find a way of learning more about myself. And you come from a dark place sometimes, and that’s really the reality of the song. It’s about overcoming and about moving forward. And it’s basically about understanding that it’s not always going to be good, but you really have no one to blame for yourself if you don’t move forward. That’s where the whole, “Nobody knows what I believe,” [comes from] because we’re all individuals. So that’s really where it comes from, it’s about moving on, really"

The bold bits are the most important bits. I was really happy when I read it, so I thought I'd share. Blog more later :) <3

Of my many-day-of-blogging.

I have quite a few thoughts swimming around my head at the moment, I'm just not sure what to do with them. Do I splurge them all out on one post, effectively removing them from my head, but in fact just making them exceedingly boring, or do I do a bit at a time?

I think I'll do the second one.

So I found out today that I've been selected to go on the Poland trip.
The Poland trip was something I've wanted to go on since I found out about it a few years go, but my details of it were somewhat skewed- I thought it was a general trip, like the Rome one, or the Russia one, where you apply, get approved, and go.

It turns out that you have to get selected. Well, chosen. You don't get a say in who goes essentially, the history department chose two people to go.. and well, I'm one of them.

I'm unbeleivably excited. It's a ridiculously amazing opportunity, and totally fits something I would do. This sort of history is the really important stuff, and the fact it then fits with psychology makes it an opportunity for school too.

I'm a bit scared about the company, seeing as it'll be only one other person, whom I havent spoken to in years. I might not even have Miss around, as she might not be able to get on the trip. This just seems a bit scary! But I think I'll be able to handle it... I hope :P Ahaha I'm so not going to be able to, but I'll try :)


I had wanted to do a lovely long post about Wilfred Owen, but that will just have to wait... I've got other things which you might ACTUALLY find interesting too, but I have lost bothered-ness, and therefore am going to click PUBLISH POST now :)

Of the blogging necessity!

And I had a lovely day....ish.

Alright, so I had abit of an argument with a close friend over something he said which hurt me.
Alright, my mind did not engage in work at all, making my lessons even harder because I hadn't done any of it.
And alright, I also finished my last bottle of mountain dew :( (This is the sadest of the three of course.)


BUT!!

I spent ten minutes trying to spike Claires water with mountain dew, only for her to fight back by way of making me laugh so hard I wouldn't be able to pour the drink. She was successful. I couldn't stop laughing.

I bested Eliott in his attempts to remember a word he himself made up. His vocabulary makes me laugh, only he can get away with using the word 'Meepables'. Its a truely wonderful word.

I also discovered that Goliath is a wushu master not only in the fact that he's some national champion child, but also with his feet!! I tried exceedingly hard to undo his shoelaces- poor Josh nearly got kicked a few times- but he fended me off with his madskillz.
Yes. Madskilzz is the right word.

I'm going to stop now, because I'm very aware I'm becoming diary like, where this is a blog, but if I'm going to blog every day, its not easy!

Political post coming up... Just you wait ;)

AND RHIANNON IS MY FRIEND!
She's asked me to make this clear. I thought a public blog explanation would work best.

I realise, while I look at my blog, that I've been extraordinarily moody on my blog reccently, so I've decided I'm going to blog for the next 6 days, and so hopefully remove some of my irritating teenage angst in the process, ultimately making my blog more cheerful.
In theory :)

So, good things!

I'm tempted to buy myself an electro acoustic guitar, just for the fun of it :) I think this is what's wrong with having a job, the excess money makes me want to spend it. Even though I have just bought a laptop with it... But still! With my guitar nerds to help me chose, and potentially my discount, I should be able to get a decent one. One that I can bring to events and shizzleeeee :)

I also had Claire over today, which I was very nervous about... I don't like company! But it was a million times better than I thought it would be, and so now the Wall Of Awesome is almost complete, and looking fantastic... even if i do say so myself.... :) I'll post a picture of it up at some point :)

I'm missing summer quite a lot, looking forward to being able to go out and laugh with people in the sunshine. I swear the sunshine is like my drug, I genuinely get happier when its better weather, so I eagerly await the end of the rain!

Anyways, birthday in less than three weeks, will blog about that next. So long! Farewell! Aufwiedersehn, goodbye!

(Its a horrible musical but it said bye adequetely :))

I feel blogging needs to take a little more priority than it has been recently, so I'll start with a few things I have decided recently.

New leaf has been turned over. As much as I dislike the expression, I think I'm gonna start again. Its not a New Years thing, its not a resolution its just... a series of goals I would like to work towards. Three, in fact.

1) Less swearing. I'm terrible with my language at the moment and it's just not necessary. Its a mix of being tired and just not caring, but I know it annoys some people so I'd like to stop. I just need to get out of the habit of it now.

2) No pulling. From now on my slag side is going to calm down. I need to stop trying to prove to myself what I can and cant do, when I know. Plus its a tiny bit ridiculous.

3) No alcohol to any form of excess. This will be my new form of control, to stop. Generally this has never been an issue anyway, I've only been vaguely tipsy once anyway, but I know if I drink I'll pull and swear, so its pre-emptive.

New leaf!

Which apparently comes at a good time, as I've just been called a slag. Ahh joys. Mood Killer. End.

And now I'm blogging again. I seem to still be on the computer with nothing to do, but as I'm currently hiding, I may as well stay on the computer.

I really want a hug right now. Though I also want to stay away from everybody and not be touched, so I'm not sure where that thought is headed.

I'm now stalking the blogskins website looking for a new site. I'm in need of change :)
I might re-do my room tomorrow, if my parents are out. I hate my room at the moment, too untidy with too much rubbish. I was going to wait until the end of the month, when I can get more pictures printed, but I really cant be bothered. I  cant even decide if I want pictures, its just something I've always loved but... dont care about any more I guess.

More blogging in a bit.




I cant work out if I miss you or not. I know I hate it when you're around, but I hate it almost as much when you're not. I don't understand. They tell me you screw everything up but you ground me. You keep me calm and composed. Am I weak because I want you in my life? Do other people even understand why? Can I listen to them?

The whole...functioning. Is becoming an issue.
Argh.

Pictures are important. They hold memories for longer and more precisely than we ever could. This one is my favourite. It makes me happy.
It was taken at the O2, whilst we were there to see Tim Minchin- if that isnt memory enough- and was taken by the most BEAUTIFUL fish ever. And whilst it's blurry, it perfectly sums up the relationship between me and Claire.
We don't sit still. The picture is blurry because we're laughing. I cant remember why, it's probably not important, but its something we do so damn often.
Claire is my happy pill. We don't look fantastic in this photo, we're not models- but we're so happy. Laughing about whatever stupid thing our mind has lept to. Its beautiful.
I love her. I love the photographer. I love this memory.
It makes me happy :)

I would hazard a guess and say that it's been about three weeks since I last posted, and so it is time to make you suffer with another long blog about what's been swimming around my head since I last ranted :)

Christmas was good! I hope everyone had a good one. What I expected to be a argument fuelled few days, was in fact a rather chilled get-together on both occasions. Whilst there were underlying problems that presented themselves, so long as they were paid no attention, they weren't a problem we could care for at Christmas, and so it passed mostly without incident.

I got alot of clothes for Christmas this year, by my choice of course. I get bored with ill-fitting clothes and feeling inadequete because of it, and so this year voiced my desperation for decent clothes. So I have many which are 'me' like, as opposed to 'smart' or 'good for school'. I don't look amazing, but I feel more comfortable now. I also got headphones, and some money which I hadn't expected. Its different to a childs Christmas, seeing my young cousin overjoyed at his presents, though not quite understanding why he had them, was adorable.

I worked alot around Christmas, which I enjoyed a ridiculous amount. It does exhaust me when I do long hours, but as my contract has now been extended so that I'm no longer a Christmas temp, I can't help but be happy to be there.
I love knowing what to do. I love finding new solutions for the people who don't know what to do. I love chatting to people about their purchases, or about their lives. I love the customers with wicked sense of humours. I love that I'm passionate about something, first time in a while- and who'd'a thought it'd be work, of all things? :)
I might slowly be breaking the awkward barrier with collegues also. It's intimidating to be part of a group of people who have known each other for years, know each others stories, know how to do their jobs fantastically and how far they can mess about, and yet I don't quite know anyone there well enough to join in. Its okay, because generally I'm on tills anyway, so the ability to speak to them isn't needed, but it would be lovely to have the whole experience.
Getting there though :) And am going to be there for a while, so I've got plenty of time. Being there makes me happy. Even when I'm feeling entirely antisocial and don't want to talk to anyone, work is what makes me happy :)

I was planning to blog about, however, how I've changed in the last year.
Karen mentioned it a while ago, and it's played on my mind for ages.

Last year, I had alot of different worries. I was thinking- but not worried- about GCSE's. I'd just started seeing a therapist. My best friend/s were my worst enemies. I dealt with mistakes by blamed them on myself.

I'd take the blame in arguments for an easier life for other people. I'd spend all my time running around to make sure everyone was happy.

I hated myself, my looks and my thoughts and my actions. I'd spend hours mulling over something I'd said or done, which someone probably thought nothing of.

I'd lose all confidence around people, and I'd throw myself into stupid situations just to see what would happen. I remember saying to Karen, I have confidence, I just don't have comfort...I'm not comfortable in my own skin, but give me a persona and you'll see how much confidence I actually have.

It made me feel entirely isolated. Like there was a disconnect with how my brain worked and what it projected.

I wrote this...Well, this is a part of it, but I wrote this bit when i was like that... (apologies for the really bad poem but It used to help focus me, and illustrates my point now :P)

She cant even listen

all she hears is sound...
So she sinks even deeper
And waits to be found.
Do her friends realise she's gone?
Alive, but hidden in sight.
If she cries out of her pains
Then perhaps they just might.
But she wont surrender;
Admit her regret
The more she represses
The more she'll forget
But it doesnt work like that
The hurt goes too deep
So this way she'll remain:
Emotionally Asleep.


Now on the other hand... As I think about what I'm going to write, there are only a few changes, but its enough.

I'm doing A-Levels. I walk around the house with no fear, I can open the door, and I can claim a sofa. Things which worried me last year. I have the best friends I could ever ask for, whether they're here, away, or just in the background of my life but still looking out for me.

Mistakes and arguments have done an entire U-Turn. I don't stress so much about what I've done wrong now. Whilst it sounds callous, I don't care enough. I don't see the need to worry and fret about something I've done when I know I cant do anything about it. I still do, obviously, but to the extent that is normal, rather than neurotic :). I hold my own in arguments, if I know I havent done anything wrong, then I wont assume that I have. I can seperate blame in situaations now, and let things go quicker.

I don't know about my looks. I'm conflicted. I know there are some days when I look like some weird monster creature, but other days where I can be confident in how I look.
Mostly I just dont look- what I cant see cant affect my mood :)

I also don't know about my confidence. I have more confidence to stand up for myself. I have more confidence that I can rely on my friends. I know that I still get scared alot, especially in large social situations, but I think, to juxtapose above, that I'm more comfortable in my skin now. I can chill a bit, and not assume everyone is thinking of different ways to project their hatred at me.

I seem to have replaced all of this with manipulation as a method of control now. I know how to make people do what I want them to, which is horrible but true.
It means that I will genuinely kiss at least one guy at every party I go to, whether I have intention to or not.

On the one hand, it does wonders for my confidence. To have someone call you beautiful means something, from someone who is not obliged to say it especially.
On the other, I am well aware its not the romance every girl dreams of. Its just a one evening of comfort thing. And whilst I like to think I'd hold on to my morals, I've already lost that battle once, and more and more of my ideals appear to be slipping. I'm not sure I can trust myself.

But I've grown. I'm happier now then I was then :)

I realise this is very long, and very boring, but its something I felt the need to get out and order :) Tough it. Don't like it dont read :) <3