I would hazard a guess and say that it's been about three weeks since I last posted, and so it is time to make you suffer with another long blog about what's been swimming around my head since I last ranted :)

Christmas was good! I hope everyone had a good one. What I expected to be a argument fuelled few days, was in fact a rather chilled get-together on both occasions. Whilst there were underlying problems that presented themselves, so long as they were paid no attention, they weren't a problem we could care for at Christmas, and so it passed mostly without incident.

I got alot of clothes for Christmas this year, by my choice of course. I get bored with ill-fitting clothes and feeling inadequete because of it, and so this year voiced my desperation for decent clothes. So I have many which are 'me' like, as opposed to 'smart' or 'good for school'. I don't look amazing, but I feel more comfortable now. I also got headphones, and some money which I hadn't expected. Its different to a childs Christmas, seeing my young cousin overjoyed at his presents, though not quite understanding why he had them, was adorable.

I worked alot around Christmas, which I enjoyed a ridiculous amount. It does exhaust me when I do long hours, but as my contract has now been extended so that I'm no longer a Christmas temp, I can't help but be happy to be there.
I love knowing what to do. I love finding new solutions for the people who don't know what to do. I love chatting to people about their purchases, or about their lives. I love the customers with wicked sense of humours. I love that I'm passionate about something, first time in a while- and who'd'a thought it'd be work, of all things? :)
I might slowly be breaking the awkward barrier with collegues also. It's intimidating to be part of a group of people who have known each other for years, know each others stories, know how to do their jobs fantastically and how far they can mess about, and yet I don't quite know anyone there well enough to join in. Its okay, because generally I'm on tills anyway, so the ability to speak to them isn't needed, but it would be lovely to have the whole experience.
Getting there though :) And am going to be there for a while, so I've got plenty of time. Being there makes me happy. Even when I'm feeling entirely antisocial and don't want to talk to anyone, work is what makes me happy :)

I was planning to blog about, however, how I've changed in the last year.
Karen mentioned it a while ago, and it's played on my mind for ages.

Last year, I had alot of different worries. I was thinking- but not worried- about GCSE's. I'd just started seeing a therapist. My best friend/s were my worst enemies. I dealt with mistakes by blamed them on myself.

I'd take the blame in arguments for an easier life for other people. I'd spend all my time running around to make sure everyone was happy.

I hated myself, my looks and my thoughts and my actions. I'd spend hours mulling over something I'd said or done, which someone probably thought nothing of.

I'd lose all confidence around people, and I'd throw myself into stupid situations just to see what would happen. I remember saying to Karen, I have confidence, I just don't have comfort...I'm not comfortable in my own skin, but give me a persona and you'll see how much confidence I actually have.

It made me feel entirely isolated. Like there was a disconnect with how my brain worked and what it projected.

I wrote this...Well, this is a part of it, but I wrote this bit when i was like that... (apologies for the really bad poem but It used to help focus me, and illustrates my point now :P)

She cant even listen

all she hears is sound...
So she sinks even deeper
And waits to be found.
Do her friends realise she's gone?
Alive, but hidden in sight.
If she cries out of her pains
Then perhaps they just might.
But she wont surrender;
Admit her regret
The more she represses
The more she'll forget
But it doesnt work like that
The hurt goes too deep
So this way she'll remain:
Emotionally Asleep.


Now on the other hand... As I think about what I'm going to write, there are only a few changes, but its enough.

I'm doing A-Levels. I walk around the house with no fear, I can open the door, and I can claim a sofa. Things which worried me last year. I have the best friends I could ever ask for, whether they're here, away, or just in the background of my life but still looking out for me.

Mistakes and arguments have done an entire U-Turn. I don't stress so much about what I've done wrong now. Whilst it sounds callous, I don't care enough. I don't see the need to worry and fret about something I've done when I know I cant do anything about it. I still do, obviously, but to the extent that is normal, rather than neurotic :). I hold my own in arguments, if I know I havent done anything wrong, then I wont assume that I have. I can seperate blame in situaations now, and let things go quicker.

I don't know about my looks. I'm conflicted. I know there are some days when I look like some weird monster creature, but other days where I can be confident in how I look.
Mostly I just dont look- what I cant see cant affect my mood :)

I also don't know about my confidence. I have more confidence to stand up for myself. I have more confidence that I can rely on my friends. I know that I still get scared alot, especially in large social situations, but I think, to juxtapose above, that I'm more comfortable in my skin now. I can chill a bit, and not assume everyone is thinking of different ways to project their hatred at me.

I seem to have replaced all of this with manipulation as a method of control now. I know how to make people do what I want them to, which is horrible but true.
It means that I will genuinely kiss at least one guy at every party I go to, whether I have intention to or not.

On the one hand, it does wonders for my confidence. To have someone call you beautiful means something, from someone who is not obliged to say it especially.
On the other, I am well aware its not the romance every girl dreams of. Its just a one evening of comfort thing. And whilst I like to think I'd hold on to my morals, I've already lost that battle once, and more and more of my ideals appear to be slipping. I'm not sure I can trust myself.

But I've grown. I'm happier now then I was then :)

I realise this is very long, and very boring, but its something I felt the need to get out and order :) Tough it. Don't like it dont read :) <3