I don't know any more.

Mum asked me today, after I made a comment about how someone'd upset me today, whether all of my friends were hormonal in some weird way.

I laughed. What else can you do?

I'm begininning to think that my friends exist just to remind me of my insecurities, or put me down, or physically hurt me.

My sides are bruised. My ribs are sore. Its hilarious to jab someone isnt it? Even when they tell you it really hurts?

My body is ridiculous. I have no figure. I'm man like. Noone's gonna want someone without the right figure. So they keep telling me.

I don't understand anything. Why should I? I'm stupid and have no interest and know nothing. I don't take real subjects and I'm not good enough to get into the top university. As I've been told.

It goes on. And its brought me down to a new low. I even made cakes today, 'cause it makes me happy to make them, and to give them out. I got asked why i'd bothered to do something pointless several times, and a few comments about how they werent nice enough.
Okay, so my cake making ability might not be up to scratch. But i was trying to be nice?

I know theyre all stupid but they've brought me down.

And so when Mum asked me why people were all communally so upsetting me, I figured it had to be me.

I'm the only common denominator.

Its not me being all 'oh-everything's-wrong-with-me', because thats not my place to proclaim, but genuinely, I must be the one who makes it like this, because its to me.

I don't know if I've been replaced? Or just cut out?

I'm adopting a policy of 'Fuck off', which albiet is not the most helpful. But its the only way I think I can get out of this without getting hurt. I have some people whose friendship I've suddenly realised how much I adore. They wont do this to me. I hope.

I worked out also, that I can get into Oxbridge, whatever the crap people tell me I cant. I can. I never bothered pushing myself because I didn't want to get in.

Now I wonder if I should just isolate myself entirely. Throw myself into the work and getting the grades and just wait until I can get into the Uni of hell, and not care. Just forget the social stuff.
I don't know.

I don't even know.