I haven't felt safe in years. Not even when I should have.

I haven't allowed myself to risk anything. Risks are to be calculated, weighed up as to whether they're worth taking or not, reflective of my mood and my state of depression.

I've lived through my own sheilds.

And thats not going to change.

What is changing, is my outlook. I'm happy.

The happiness is... judged, by some, and almost rightly so. I understand people's reservations. I genuinely do. I get that they're people looking out for me. I get that I can be blinded by feelings. I get that I need someone to be that person.

DON'T, though, please, make me feel bad about it.

I like Ben.

Thereeeeeeee I said it.

When Greg asked me what he was like, I went on a bit of a rant about what I liked about him.

It could have been about five times the length.

Its all stupid stuff about how he makes me feel safe and loved and stuff.

He's okay with my insecurities. He's the only person I've been so open with as to admit everything he asks, and have NO reservations about it. He gives me girlface at 2 in the freaking morning when I listen to the answerphone message he leaves me.

He makes height jokes all the time. I spent 5 hours with him on friday and wished it could have been longer. Neither of us understood where the time went.

I really like him. I'm not stupid. Im freakin terrified. But I'm gonna see where it goes.

Dont begrudge me my happiness, even if you do want to say i told you so :)