I dislike how I dwell on things now.

Something bad happens, or something bugs me, and it will be over my head until something equally bad replaces it.

I keep doing stupid things.

I'm angry or irritable alot.

And I have no reason to be? I'm getting back to the point where I'm regretting seeing people in case I upset someone.

Aysh. It was going so well :/

I'm used to being selfish.
My cousin said some Christmas's ago about her new boyfriend, and how "I told him to put up with me being selfish, I haven't had to think of anyone else like that in a long time".
It was quite a few years ago, and I didn't really click what she meant until later. She meant it's very different to have to consider someone else in every plan you make, the long term consequences of what you say or do, having to keep someone prominent in your life.

Its fucking hard. I have times where I want nothing more than to turn my phone off and ignore everyone, and quite often I do- but its not as easy when you have someone you don't see as much as you should anyway.

I hate having to change the control. I'm used to with my friends, being able to make a plan to my liking. If I want to do something, I can usually get a few people to do it with. If I don't want to do it, I don't have to.

I do now. I have to adapt to when he cancels our plans last minute. I have to consider his reaction. I cant cancel Just Because I'm Tired because if I don't see him then, I wont see him for ages.

If I want to do something, and he doesn't, its not often I get my way. It's a good thing really, I'm too used to being selfish and so now need to get out of that habit. Doesn't stop me being grumpy about it though.

Like tonight... I've been revising really hard knowing we were going out this evening to the cinema and could just chill with each other for a bit. Now he's cancelled and I'm left with a lonely evening with my parents grilling me about why I'm not going out. Therefore I could really use a hug right now.

Meh. I'll grow up later.

Sadie wanted a grumpy/ bitchy blog post, so I'll complain for a bit and hopefully she'll cheer up :P

I'm getting exhausted. I wonder sometimes if I'm on my way to a mental breakdown, just because I'm juggling far too much.
I have the hefty revision to handle- history in particular is difficult. Dad's swapped his complaints from my lack of driving lessons, to him expecting me to memorise the driving book within the next few days. On top of revision, he's got no chance. He gets genuinely pissed off that I've prioritised A Levels over driving.
Work is being stepped up, I'm being trained in customer service. Its still a release for me to go to work where noone has impact on my life directly, and its still pretty much where I'm happiest (Apart from with Ben), but its another thing I'm trying to remember.
Friend gatherings... Theres actually quite a few. Especially when you have revision and work to juggle as well. And if you don't go, someone gets pissed off. I do want to be a part of the group, I do want the gatherings to keep happening, I physically cant be there all the time.
And then witha ll of that trying to make time for Ben too... I love the boy, I really do, but I'm nearing exhaustion. We had a really stupid argument over really stupid things on friday, purely because I was too tired to think clearly.
Its all okay now. But just too many things dividing my time, all of which really matter.

People wise, I don't really have an issue with anyone different. Of course, the dicks I have strongly disliked for a while are still dicks. The people I don't want to see remain the same..
I don't like the ways in which people keep attempting to make me feel inadequate. I don't know if its purposeful or not, but honestly, I care little. I haven't the energy.

Like I say though, stuff is mostly positive overall :) I don't care enough to be bugged by the rest of it :)

I love work.

I genuinely never thought I'd say it. After every adult I know complains about their job, and how much they love holiday when they don't have to work, and how terrible generally working is, I actually love mine.

I love walking in to find out which manager will be in that evening. One will shout my name, another will squeak at me, another will ask my progress, another will make me laugh. I love that they're all completely different. I love that they make me watch Star Wars, and wind me up.

And then the customers. Who I complain of alot for being so moody, so grumpy, but they're worth handling for the really lovely ones. Like the woman I met who was trying to make her christmas the best one ever. The guy who made me read his order in a stupid voice to make it more exciting. The kid who hid behind the display so she could pull faces at me. The lady who spent half an hour talking to me about pregancy and what to do when I told her my friend might be pregnant. The woman who I chatted to about her big break in filming.
I love them. Babbling to people you wont see again. Finding out the stories. And granted, the grumpy customers get me down, make me irritated- but I love them for their bringing of the nice customers.

My work rant is over :)

Day Four, because I apparently missed it- A song which makes me sad.
It doesn't make me sad, but its a sad and sweet song that makes me aww :)


And Day Six, a song that reminds me of somewhere.
In this case, the somewhere is the bus bays, in the snow, with my Fish and my ginger after having been chucked out of Glasto :)

Ohhh the amount of times the gorgeous Miss Shefford and I have seen this film is incredible. And even if we haven't seen it, we've sung it. Or quoted it. Or heard it.

Its just a fun summer-y song which you cant complain it. Its Abba! Mwa ha ha.
I always have fun with this song, singing it loudly.
But every time I hear it, I think of the summers that we played this at the park, and the winters that we watched the movie, and all of the stupid things we've done. I miss it :)

I cant help it. It's like my guilty indulgence, and its glee.
Its sweet, and it makes me want to dance...
And boy have I danced to this song. Its on my current essential playlist, and I nearly always smile and/or feel better when listening to it, and to sing it is just fun...

It hurts me to even allow this to be on my blog....

Not much to say really...

I know I should blog more, because I'm doing so less and less, but genuinely its not because I don't want to, but because most of what is happening in my life concerns Ben, which I know annoys people that I keep going on about it :)

I suppose the most I can really complain about is my anti-socialness back... And so, as it was with Claire, its increasingly difficult to retain that with someone who has to be around alot. Theres me with my headaches and feeling crap, pushing everyone away, and I can't not spend time with my boyfriend, or indeed Claire. Because I so want to, i'm just so damn moody.

I'm trying at least.

I was also feeling increasingly confident with how I look. Its incredible, considering how much I've always hated myself. I don't mind tying my hair up. I don't mind seeing my reflection in the mirror. Its nice.
Unfortunately, I have to use the term was. Being labelled both "Ugly" and "Disgusting" by some random kid in a younger year, didn't do much for my confidence. Nor did an old friend taking the piss out of my insecurity.  Woohoo.

Surprisingly though, I am overall good. I had a really awesome day in Cambridge with Sadie. I spent the weekend at Bens. I miss Ellie massively. Im hoping to spend time with both Claire and Roseanna this week, and I also get to help someone with history. Call me a nerd, but thats exciting :P

Thats all for now. Mostly because I'm tired and Glee is on :)

Day One - Favourite Song (For Now)

Its so beautiful. I adore her voice, it's really soulful. I love how honest this song is, and how it really comes from her heart. I don't know why, I cant explain it, but I love it.

Life seems okay.

I know I onlyy really blog when I'm really happy or really angry, and I'm neither.

Well, I'm really happy, but I'm also well aware I talk about Ben far too much as it is :)

Blogging seems a bit weird for people now though. I love blogs. I love the insight they give into people's lives, how the anonymity of the internet works in favour. I love finding out how people's minds work, how they think and process things.

I love being able to know whats going on with people when I'm unable to see them all the time.

Its getting.... Different, for people now.

People are finding blogs, and showing them around. People are becoming ashamed of what they've written, goingback on what they say.

It is a rare day that I delete a post. I think I've only done it once or twice, when my mind was particularly dark and I changed my mind about sharing how dark.

I also don't use names when I'm upset with someone, or angry, or say something which will take offence. They know who they are, there's no reason to humiliate them, especially when I'm only writing for my own benefit.

I think this is the problem then, with some blogs, is that they don't. And it gets them in trouble.

I don't quite know where I'm going with this. I just wish once people had said something, not in a joking manner, or to impress anyone else, and are happy enough to put it on their blog, they'd stand by what they said. Especially when its not even that bad.

And I will do the 30 Day Song Challenge, though probably not one per day.

Here are the days
day 01 - your favorite song


day 02 - your least favorite song

day 03 - a song that makes you happy

day 04 - a song that makes you sad

day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone

day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere

day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event

day 08 - a song that you know all the words to

day 09 - a song that you can dance to

day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep

day 11 - a song from your favorite band

day 12 - a song from a band you hate

day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure

day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love

day 15 - a song that describes you

day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate

day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio

day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio

day 19 - a song from your favorite album

day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry

day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy

day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad

day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding

day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral

day 25 - a song that makes you laugh

day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument

day 27 - a song that you wish you could play

day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty

day 29 - a song from your childhood

day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year