When you broke up with me, did you know it would do this to me?
Did you think you'd change your mind and want me back, and if so, why do it in the first place? Did you want the Drama? If not, then why did you change your mind?
Did you think I would agree? If I came back to you, we'd never be the same. Did you think getting angry at me would help? Why did you get angry? Why didn't you stop?
You broke up with me for a reason I don't beleive for a second. It was something else. What. Why. Why wont you tell me. Why cant you be honest. And why wasnt that reason enough for you to stand by it for more than a few days.
You cant tell me you missed me. All we did was argue since we broke up, thats not a time when you suddenly realise you loves someone. You cant tell me you love me, thats not fair any more. You cant tell me we're going to be best friends and then tell me you dont ever want to see me.
You cant dictate who I talk to. Not only does it hurt that you're angry, but it hurts that you think you still have that control. It hurts you want to abuse my own feelings for you. It hurts you don't trust me to talk anyway.
If you hadn't broken up with me we could have been together for a long time. I know you expected that to happen again when you told me you wanted me back, but even if it had it wouldn't ever have been the same. I wouldn't have been able to forget.
Your anger scared me. You turned back into Hyde, but you didn't come out of it. Then I had the flash of my Jekyll, the phone call where you apologised, but within minutes you were Hyde again. You told me you wanted me to be proud of you- I will be. When you stop giving in to Hyde and hurting people. It wasn't just me.
You kept saying you love me. You cant do that. You cant let me hurt and then try to heal and then rip into me again. You cant be angry at how I try to solve my pain because I kept my promise to you. You cant try to use emotional blackmail on me. Its not like I dont have feelings for you, and they probably wont change any time soon, things like that hurt and scare me.
I didnt want you to lead me on. I just wanted you to think through your actions. Obviously it was a quick decision because you changed your mind too fast.
Youve made me doubt myself. All the comments you made about my looks, they come back and fly around my head. All of our arguments, for some reason I remember them all. And then you start conversations with me now, which you never did, and then run away if anything gets vaguely confrontational. I wish it hadnt ended up like this.
I wish you knew this.

I don't know what to do! Why does it get so complicated so quickly. I didn't mean to get confused.
I'm not hurting anyone but I cant get everyone out intact, someones always going to be angry and when I think of it being one person that upsets me, and I think of the other that upsets me, and both of them hurt for a different reason. I have no idea. I didn't mean for complication. I cant judge if complication is the right word. Who do i ask? Everyone's judged me already. I want a hug. I need a hug. I need security and someone who doesn't tell me off but helps me. I don't need someone to say "Thats a bad idea", or "You should be careful", I'm looking for someone to help. HELP.

New Mumford song <3

The way it played out in my head was this.

Well you always knew he would end it, its barely surprising. He saw who you really were, you weren't careful enough with the walls, and now he knows the truth, You're unimportant, disgusting, and unwanted. You can't blame him for that. Just because you've been in this happy bubble doesn't mean there wasnt a truth outside that bubble, hiding from it doesnt make it untrue.

Meh. I know people get all huffy when I write stuff like this, but I'm going through an honesty purge and thats how I thought.

Now though, I don't want to show that. I don't want to be weak. I don't want to be upset about the things I've lost, and I don't want to go back to who I was. Its time for a new me, again. A reinvention, again.

I don't want to be the slaggy one any more. I don't want to be the one who everyone assumes will get with everyone.

I don't know where I'm going to go with this though. I just need to change. Because what I am damn hell isn't good enough.

I guess this is my last blog about Ben, before I start my rule of not bumming people out by talking about him :)
We broke up mutually. Apparently. It was a decision for both of us in which we knew it wasn't really working any more. It hurt so damn much because it was just after I realised how much I genuinely loved him.

I hate listening to teens go on about lost loves, because my logic is that of course they're not going to last at this age. And I knew with Ben it wouldn't last as long as he wanted it to. I just didn't expect it to end so soon.

Its the little stuff thats killing me though. The fact I know I wont ever get a cute answerphone message again. The memories of the sweet things he'd said. Being forced to watch pretty bad Japanese cartoons because they're his favouritest things in the world. No more dancing around the kitchen. No more random music. No more him playing me a song he made up to wind me up.

They're the things which have caught me off guard, and still surprise me with how much they upset me. I've turned into a right girl :)

This is it now though.

So I went to my first open day this week, and it was Exeter. To be honest, I completely fell in love with it. The course is amazing, the lecture was facniating, the campus is beautiful, and the town is awesome.

So now I have to pray that my AS results will result in a conditional offer, because I genuinely may cry if I don't get in now. Which sucks, 'cause I probably wont :)

Now though, I want to go. Not because I want  to leave sixth form, but my goodness, the independance looks appealing. I know that whatever I do I'll miss Mum like hell, but what a way to do it. I'm considering non-catered accomodation, which means I essentially have a room on a floor with several other people. Who I get to spend the year with. I get a course which looks facinating, they really know what they're saying and are passionate about it. Theres so much I like about it.

Thing is though, with looking at studying Theology, firstly the grade boundries are quite high. Jasper said that its a pretty uncompetative subject on the whole, but I don't want to lose out. Anyway, its usually met with 'What the hell is that', or 'Seriously?'.

I defend it to the death because it essentially works out to be my perfect course, a mix of English, Psychology, History, Philosophy and RE, and I even enjoy the stunned silence when I claim thats what I want to to.

The thing I wanted to complain about though, is how bigoted people are. I was asked why I was studying things that were made up. (Frankly, whether religion is objective is one thing, but even if their theistic views don't match up to what they perhaps should, religion creates a culture. One might say that God doesn't exist, but cannot say that Christianity doesnt.).

What truely bugged me was our Religion Day at school. Its schedualed for next wednesday, and I was asked to speak for a while at the beginning about my view on the topic of 'Is there any point to religion now we have science'.

Which, I have ranted about in the past- Religion works alongside science, I despise the view that it does not, when one blindsided religious person speaks his minority views for the majority. My point then of course was going to be that of course one does not erradicate the other.

This was the same view as the boy I was arguing against though, and when I told the teacher this, he told me in a surprised tone, "Well I wanted someone to argue that Religion made science pointless."

Hence why I shall not be speaking at the day...

However the more I thought about this the more it angered me. Because all it is doing is appealing to the same bigots to give them new grounds.

"Stupid nieve religious people who believe in God rather than facts", was once said around me. But thats what this ridiculous proposal will support. Find someone to act as the straw man- set up to fail.

I don't like it. It makes me very grumpy.

You're like my very own Jekyll and Hyde.

Jekyll, you make me so happy. Like you wouldn't believe. The only person who can make me laugh when i don't even want to. Just being around you sometimes makes me smile.
I can be grumpy and you just make me happy. I get girlface. I love how we can watch movies and fall asleep and that doesn't feel like we're missing out. I like how we can spend time together just by being on msn, and the cute answerphone messages you leave me.
I love how you get excited over Naruto, even if I don't quite get your facination. I love your mad guitar and bass skills. I love how adorable your smile is, how just being with you lightens up my day. I miss you so much, so often.

But then sometimes, you have this Hyde switch, where you just turn into this person so unlike you. You get angry and forceful and I get a little scared of you. You don't compramise, you fight for your way in the hope i'll back down by sheer force. You have a one track mind, and you want nothing but your goal.You don't care what you say, or whether it hurts me.

I know that some of my actions are selfish, and I make mountians out of mole hills sometimes. For that I'm sorry. Honestly, I'm working on being better.

Its not that I don't love Hyde. I love Jekyll and Hyde. It is not one or the other. I just wished it was more Jekyll sometimes, like it was the last time we were together. You make me happy.

Love :) <3

It only hurts so much because of how little it can hurt around you.

I feel alive, like myself, when im with you. Sometimes.

Othertimes you break me inside.

I hurt so much because of you sometimes, but so little (less than usual) other times.

I think I must be broken.

It used to be this way. I knew that I was. I was using a method of recovery which did nothing to solve the problem, I was scared of people touching me, so I would force myself to be put in situations where I was terrified. I did alot of shit which didn't need to be done.

And to my credit, I was so proud of myself for getting out of that. Granted, I had the occasional bad thought, but it was mostly away. Since starting work, its been relatively easy to not revert back to that, and I'm proud of who I became.

Now things are getting difficult, and the only thing I can conclude is that I'm still broken.

I froze up the other day. Panicked. Wanted nothing more than to curl up and hide from everyone. And I did...at the worst moment, just in the middle of an argument. It upset the person I was with. I just felt, at that moment, that being touched or hugged would actually physically hurt me. Its not that often I felt that scared, but my heart was thumping, I froze and just couldn't move.

Its been so damn long since I've shown weakness like that, that I forgot how hard it was to forget. It just keeps plauguing me, over and over. Something wrong with me?

And the fact that I'm arguing so much with certain people. I'm not looking for an idyllic life, and if I didn't argue, I'd probably go insane from the lack of mental stimulation, but these arent me prompting a battle of wit...They just keep going. And for some reason they hurt. They never used to. I could block out the pain of an argument faster than you could blink, but its like theres a big hole in my armour. Everything cuts. Everything hurts. Every comment goes round and round my head. Every argument ends with me in tears. Even thinking of it makes me cry now.

Im so damn broken! This isn't normal. I caught sight of how I looked earlier today and nearly cried right there. I look the same as i do every day. Yet today that was enough to cripple me with disgust.

I cant handle the self hatred again :/

No idea. Rant over.

The song White Wine in the Sun by Tim Minchin, is all about family.
How family at Christmas is the one happy constant, that they'll always be there for you when you need them.
I'm listening to it now... And whilst I love my mum and my dad, most of my extended family aren't like those described in the song. Its not like we're family.
But the song reminds me of Ellie. Probably a little because I'm listening to the version of his performance where we were actually there. But its more than that. The distance between us makes us stronger, even though I miss her. I can imagine her, like it is in the song. Some occasion where we meet up in years to come to just be happy.
And I realise I've made my own family. Claire, Ellie, Joe, Hoobs. My work family, and my extended family. Its a really nice feeling to know you're surrounded by people. And I can imagine, like in the song, if in years to come I felt alone, I could call on them.
I'm being soppy but I don't even care :)

I'm not sure how much I like change.

In school, Joe is leaving for Shuttleworth.

I want, so much, to not let him go. I genuinely consider him to be one of my best friends, up there with Fish and Mongoose.

Its changed with him... A year ago I don't think I knew his name. I was sure he hated me for months, after he snapped at me at Prom afterparty, after I'd slightly tipsily irritated him.Then he was my saviour in philosophy, making me laugh, being my friend. I wasn't afraid of him any more. Then, during the Rome weekend, he, Claire and I barely stopped laughing, or being stupid. Since then, he's been one of the best friends I've ever had.

Now he wants to leave, and I don't want him to... But then I do. I want whatevers best for him, and Shuttleworth will do so much more for him. I'm just gonna have to man up :)

Claire mentioned leaving also, and I'm not sure how serious she is about that, which scares me. I actually am so afraid of losing her.Again though, a year ago, we weren't that close. We had geography together, and were good friends from Wales and sleepovers we'd been together for, but in terms of how well I knew her, I barely did at all.
Riversides brought us together, we hung out more and more and more and just got closer. Both of us have said we can't work out how we became so close, but she's the best friend I could ask for.I'm scared she won't come to 6th form next year. I used to be mostly alone.

A year ago, I would say I have one friend who I truly trusted with everything, and that was fish. My next closest was a guy who I can barely stand to be around now, and I barely could at the time. I had lots of friends, but not so many close friends. Now, I've been spoiled by the amazingness of Mongoose and Ostrich, and I would be gutted without it. I'm not sure why I'm so nostaligic at the moment.

Perhaps because I was talking to Gaby and realised I loved how we'd become real friends, we trust each other and I adore having her in the group. We've changed so much from when I first knew her, only for the better. I wish I could spend more time with her. The problem is the bad change. The friend who annoys me no end now. The people who being in the same room with now makes me angry and want to leave. The person who I imagined becoming part of the closest circle of friends, who proceeded to do the unthinkable, and hurt my friend.

I genuinely want to persue a path of violence, but three weeks ago I thought he would be one of the people I would be so sad to miss. I don't like that kind of change. I've grown up, and I'm different. I can stand up for myself, I don't try to please everyone. But I am terrified I'll end up alone. Its a selfish fear, but a real one.

I don't know. The change at work I think i like, its more trust for me, the people, i love to bits.

I'm watching my sweetie change to become harder in the face of heartbreak, and I'm not sure how much I have an impact on that.

Yikes. Post.