I think I must be broken.

It used to be this way. I knew that I was. I was using a method of recovery which did nothing to solve the problem, I was scared of people touching me, so I would force myself to be put in situations where I was terrified. I did alot of shit which didn't need to be done.

And to my credit, I was so proud of myself for getting out of that. Granted, I had the occasional bad thought, but it was mostly away. Since starting work, its been relatively easy to not revert back to that, and I'm proud of who I became.

Now things are getting difficult, and the only thing I can conclude is that I'm still broken.

I froze up the other day. Panicked. Wanted nothing more than to curl up and hide from everyone. And I did...at the worst moment, just in the middle of an argument. It upset the person I was with. I just felt, at that moment, that being touched or hugged would actually physically hurt me. Its not that often I felt that scared, but my heart was thumping, I froze and just couldn't move.

Its been so damn long since I've shown weakness like that, that I forgot how hard it was to forget. It just keeps plauguing me, over and over. Something wrong with me?

And the fact that I'm arguing so much with certain people. I'm not looking for an idyllic life, and if I didn't argue, I'd probably go insane from the lack of mental stimulation, but these arent me prompting a battle of wit...They just keep going. And for some reason they hurt. They never used to. I could block out the pain of an argument faster than you could blink, but its like theres a big hole in my armour. Everything cuts. Everything hurts. Every comment goes round and round my head. Every argument ends with me in tears. Even thinking of it makes me cry now.

Im so damn broken! This isn't normal. I caught sight of how I looked earlier today and nearly cried right there. I look the same as i do every day. Yet today that was enough to cripple me with disgust.

I cant handle the self hatred again :/

No idea. Rant over.