For the past month and a bit, I've hidden in a shroud of self confidence. Its a mixture of bravery and denial of problems, which meant half my issues I didn't bother to deal with, and I didn't notice how ostricised I was becoming.

Started with not being invited to things.. Riversides, parties. I get that with parties, its more than fair because I don't necessarily know the people, but the smaller things? Just not wanted.

The constant talk about the times I missed gets me down. Its nothing that can be changed, but its whole conversations I'm excluded from.

Then I realise my friends don't seem to want to know me at the moment.
I have no hobbies
I have no outside friends.

I covered up my loneliness by talking to tens of different guys, flirting with them, but its not permanant enough. It helped me get past Ben, but it doesnt get me past lack of friends and reality.

I have work. I love work.  I miss my friends.

I cant seem to lose myself in anything at the moment. I'm exhausted. I just want to curl up and cry. Stop people being pissed at me or not bothering. Run away.

I'm gonna fail my results. I'm gonna end up doing my job on a permanant basis. I'm gonna end up a waste of space.

Cant look in the mirror right now. I've put on weight. My face is disgusting. My hair is disgusting. My legs are disgusting. Its so hard not to cry.

Blerghh. Depressing rant over.