If ever I said anything to you, you'd glaze over it, or just tell me I only said it because we're friends.

Well... We're not friends now, are we really? I wish now it wasn't like this, but it does allow me to say things I couldn't say before.

So I'm going to be completely honest about you. I'm not looking for anything from it, but now you can at least see I can be objective in what I say.


You're beautiful.

Didn't you always say you were too ugly to have a boyfriend? You have no reason to be self conscious around him at all. You never have.

You don't see it because you have blinkers on, which stop you from looking at yourself properly. You could look at anyone we see to be massively attractive, and so long as you analyse them enough, they all have flaws. Everyone has flaws.
When you look in the mirror, you ignore how beautiful your eyes are. How perfect your face is. How incredible your smile is. You just zone in on what you perceive to be an imperfection. Very very rarely is that imperfection actually imperfect.

Its really upsetting because it gets you down, and it really shouldn't. You're stunning, and I've told you that for so long and I really wish you'd believe me. I have nothing to gain from telling you this, but I want you to start believing in yourself.

But that's something else, I'm really proud of you too. You  used to claim you had no friends, and look at you now! You've got an amazing group, and I'm so proud of you for what you've done with your exams. You work damn hard and you deserve recognition for it.

I just want to give you some magic cure which will convince you I'm telling the truth, because I know you'll probably just ignore this too. But I hope more than anything you take in this, because you're gorgeous, and its time you realised that for yourself :)

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I messed up.
And I'm sorry that's not enough.

How can I bring up your blogs when we don't talk?

How can I go back to expecting you to open up to me when we're barely friends right now?

My blog usually is my cry for help.

I check yours everyday too.

I know you're happy elsewhere. I assume the ones directed at me are the method in which you end our friendship.

You were too scared to open up to me when we were close, I wouldn't expect you to now.

And no- I rarely used to bring up your blog around you. Its personal. I just watched you to work out myself if you were okay.
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I'll delete this later, because I know when I calm down I'll regret it, and I hate when people bitch like this.


But for now, You know what? I'm done with being diplomatic.

There are times when yes, I can rationalise it to sort out in my head and make it all okay.

There are other times, like now, when I'm pissy and grumpy and I'm damn well angry about this pointless situation.

1- You have no idea how much it hurts that you haven't bothered to talk to me, and expect me to talk to you first every time. If you're planning to argue that I didn't make the effort, how many times have you text me first? You don't make conversations when I try to text you, you post all over facebook about something that you invited me too, which I'm apparently now not invited, and then you tell me its because you have spaces you're just seeing who attends. Thats besides the point about whether I'm invited or not.
I'm upset- but I'm not angry. I love you. I'm sorry I've just ranted about you unnecessarily. But I've just spent half an hour in tears so you can suck it up that I want to blog about it.

2- You get drunk and go mental at me. For some stupid excuse, lets be honest. You hadn't told me you had an issue with me, and then you go mental. Fucking pointless. You know if you'd've spoken to me about it I'd've listened? And now, you wont even look at me. You wont talk about me, I find out you've been bitching about me. Practically a week before I'd written a draft blog about how I'd loved how I'd got closer to you and you really felt like a friend. I'm such an idiot.

3- You confused me. I genuinely don't think we have issues. But you've blanked me since we've come back to school. Every time I've spoken to you, you've got out of the conversation as quick as possible. I'm probably most upset about losing you, because I don't understand why, and we've been friends for so long.

4- You barely even need a paragraph. You know we're not friends over something we could solve in a second. But you don't need me any more, and you've made that clear.

I'm such an idiot. And I'm a lonely idiot.

My life has its ups and downs, just like usual.

I always now have faith that at every one of my downs, there will be an up to see me through.

Every now and again though something will catch me off guard. Like today, when I'm tired and exhausted and cold and not entirely dry from the downpour.

I get reminded ridiculously strongly that I've lost half my friends.

I miss them. Of course I do. And I know I could probably find a way to get them back. But I don't even think they'd want me now.

Even the ones I thought I was fine with...

I've been replaced. Its not something I'm bitter about, it just is as it is.

Don't get me wrong, my life has got so much good in it.

I just sometimes wish it had that little bit more again.

I promised Leila I'd write a blog a day for 10 days, to make up for the lack of blogging as of late. I've always said that I blog less when I'm happy because I have less to complain about, but I'll give it a go!

It will probably be a mixture of the letters I'd send to people - but obviously cant- and the general updates on what's going on with me. I didn't realise how many people use my blog as a chance to find out how I am when they're unable to talk to me.
As its late, I'm tired, and wish to sleep, this will start tomorrow- but that way, I get to do a full one plus another nine.

All my love xx
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