I was pondering, as I do sometimes, where I am now.

Its as I was wrapping up Christmas presents in fact. My list, as per usual, was pretty long for the amount of people I wanted to buy for.

As I thought about it realistically, I cut a few names off.

And then a few more...

I really cling to the idea of Christmas being a time for love and for giving. I love surprising people with a present, though I hate when people get grumpy because they hadn't got me anything. That's not what it's about.

So my list has shortened, and those I spend money on has changed. Its almost hierarchical now, those most important get the better gifts. Which is almost a shame, but as I sat thinking about it, it's worked out pretty well.

You see, I lost a large group of the friends. And whether now, I have lost them or not, I'm not close with them like I was. It makes me feel really lonely sometimes, but then I think actually, sure, that might be true, but really I have the group of friends who actually care about me now, so it doesn't matter.

In fact I'm a little bit proud of how I've been using my loneliness. Where previously, I couldn't, for serious fear of some kind of panic, wander around the house without someone with me, or walk to a lesson on my own, I now do. I don't care. I can go into the common room and work my socks off, and then have time to chill out in the evening. I now hate working at home, but it means I'm actually doing better than ever before. A load of my notes are typed up, my essays are in on time, and I'm chilled about more of it.

Its odd what losing friends does to you.

But then this way, I get the enjoyment of handing out presents to my actual friends. The people who stood by me and helped me, and this is partially my way of saying thank you.

I'll probably do a soppy blog nearer the time, but it was just something on my mind.